President Trump Visits Texas: A Report from September 2017

6StringMercenary
Aug 27, 2017 · 2 min read

“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.” — Hunter S. Thompson

As he promised on August 27, 2017, President Donald J. Trump spent one day visiting Texas to survey the damage caused by Hurricane Harvey and the torrential downpour of rain that caused flooding throughout the Gulf Coast.

I love the adherence to punctuation and grammar in this sign

Standing behind a podium on the tarmac at San Antonio’s bustling Lackland Air Force Base, President Trump’s opening set the tone for the whole trip.

“Boy, isn’t this a great change from all the heat?”

Pausing to smirk and twist his face into the shape of a collapsed Whoopee Cushion, he was offended by the quiet gasps and lack of cheering.

“Oh come on! You saw it on the Television — you did, I know you did — you saw all the illegals building rafts, hoping they could ride the storm all the way back to Mexico…or wherever…”

A hand wave. A smirk. Then the largely Latino-American crowd of Men and Women serving the United States started booing. And they refused to stop.

In Rockport later that day, President Trump once again showed his lack of intellectual capacity beyond a Capuchin Monkey by standing in the middle of a residential neighborhood and making an impossible promise with Governor Gregg Abbott sitting at his side:

“You see these damaged homes? We’re going to make them Great Again! I guarantee not a single illegal immigrant will be involved in the rebuilding of Texas! Believe me!”

Again bothered by the lack of immediate approval from those standing around him, President Trump simply shrugged, looked around for Melania without success (rumored to have locked herself in a FEMA restroom trailer, one place he would never look), and departed hastily.

Governor Abbott was taken by surprise when President Trump’s latest White House Chief of Staff approached him with two water-skis and a tow rope.

“Lock your wheels Greg, the President says we’re hooking you up to the limo and skiing you out of here.”

With Governor Abbott literally in tow and wondering if he would somehow sink past Chris Christie’s 15% approval rating by the end of 2017, President Trump avoided all local eateries and made a rapid retreat to Air Force One. Ignoring Governor Abbott’s pleas to be cut free from the car like they were questions from CNN, President Trump admired a $170 piece of choice Texas beef ready and waiting for him. Well Done, covered in Ketchup.

What else did you expect?

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