D2: The Mighty Ducks (1994)

As much today as in the 90s, it’s quite rare for a sequel to live up to the expectations set by the original. It always seems like a rehash of gags, exposition, character types and plot does little to raise the bar or tread new grounds of storytelling. More often than not, it’s just a complete copy and paste of the first movie in a new locale.

There are the rare occasions, however, when the sequel actually outshines the original. The Godfather: Part 2 is the first one that comes to mind, and I believe this against-all-odds hockey-centric kid’s movie is of the same caliber.

I’m obviously talking about the legendary D2: The Mighty Ducks.

The first part of the formula that Disney gets extremely right in this film is raising the stakes. Abandoning much of the cutesy bullshit from the original film, D2 brings to the table a more interesting and higher-stakes story concept that involves an international event instead of a quaint, small-town regional championship. This time, Coach Bombay and his quacktabular members of the Ducks dynasty are off to the City of Angels to compete in the Jr. Goodwill Games. Rather than just representing their small-town underdog pride, they’re representing AMURRICA against a star-studded stable of racist stereotypes.

The memorable staples of team Duck are all in attendance for this go around: Charlie Conway, Goldberg, Fulton Reed, Adam Banks (cake eater), the Frenchies, and the annoying-as-all-fuck Les Averman. This time, though, they’re joined by a host of stereotypical representations of popular American cities. There’s Miami native Mendoza who dances to mariachi music, a Texas cowboy with a southern twang and an affinity for his lasso, an Asian figure skating extraordinaire, Julie “The Cat” Gaffney from Maine who is a goaltending legend but spends most of the movie warming the bench, and prototypical bully-with-a-heart-of-gold Dean Portman (a.k.a. one half of the BASH BROTHERS).

The film wastes no time in setting up the fact that Gordon Bombay suffered an injury during his brief stint in the minor league hockey circuit and is forced to return home to Minnesota with his tail between his legs. Fortunately, another mystically wise old man named Jan, brother of the first movie’s mystically wise old man Hans, convinces the glum Bombay to turn his sour grapes into passion fruit and start coaching a gaggle of moronic kids in hockey again.

The kid from Dawson’s Creek’s mom, Bombay’s love interest from the first movie, is now remarried and the members of the Ducks team have mostly lost touch. Bombay receives an offer from an equipment manufacturing company to coach Team USA in the Jr. Goodwill Games in exchange for an endorsement deal. With the dollars in place and a few rollerblading montages later, the Ducks are back together again with the addition of their zany new teammates and an attractive female tutor.

Speaking of montages, there is no shortage of those beautiful pieces of 90s film technique during the movie’s short run time. They include:

• Rollerblading all over the city to gather up the Ducks players, doing dangerous tricks and having way too much fun along the way.
• That painfully lame ass linedancing scene with the Texas boy lassoing people.
• Bombay’s corporate photo shoot where he officially becomes a sellout cake eater.
• Four horny Ducks players creeping on women trying on clothes in Beverly Hills.
• The birth of the knuckle puck during a street hockey match with Kenan.
• The best reason of all to use a montage: training for the big game!

The villainous Icelandic assholes are the antagonists of the film and they strut around with a cold, contentious impudence that reminds me of Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. Their coach is the typical, militant try-hard who goads his players into submission with merciless training regimens and sadistic obsession with savagery on the ice. Stopping at nothing to get what he wants, he’s a big fan of playing dirty.

Like any good Disney film, the Ducks win in the end and send Iceland home like a bunch of stinky losers to suck a big cold tit in their motherland until the next Jr. Goodwill Games, winning in a shoot-out. Bombay is even dubbed “The Minnesota Miracle Man” by the game’s announcers.

In his final douchey moment, the Icelandic coach says “You lost it for me” to his star player, Stahl, in a bitter display of poor sportsmanship. Stahl, however, digs a dagger through his heart with a well-timed “You lost it for yourself! Let’s go shake their hands.” What a good dude.

All is well in Ducks land with this most recent win under their belt and we’re even treated to a fantastic b-roll shot of Ducks flying in a “V” formation through the air as the team flies home together on a plane.

Then, as if we weren’t happy enough having just seen such a fantastic film, we’re treated to a camping trip montage of the Ducks players singing “We Are The Champions” around a campfire while the credits roll in the foreground.

Yep, D2: The Mighty Ducks has it all.

Originally published at 90smovies.net on February 17, 2015.