Overcoming Hurdles in Co-Parenting
My 7-year-old son, who was very athletic for his age, climbed to the top of a portable basketball hoop over a cement driveway. He was with his father, my ex-husband, and siblings for the weekend. The reason he was up there was to shoot a basket in the hoop. Chris, my ex-husband, had blocked me on Facebook, but a friend showed me the video on her page.
After my son made a basket, my ex-husband could be heard in the audio saying “Do it again!”
As soon as I saw the video, a chill ran down my spine. I couldn’t believe what I was watching. One look at the portable basketball hoop and the realization hit me: it wasn’t anchored to the ground. The weight of a child was enough to make it crash to the ground at any moment. My mind raced with the worst-case scenarios. How could my ex-husband allow this to happen? Suddenly, relief washed over me as my son’s grandmother sprinted out of the house and demanded he climbs down. But the questions still lingered in my mind — was he truly being supervised by his dad, and was he being kept safe? The answers were crystal clear: No.
These types of events happen repeatedly, including incidents with fireworks, sitting on top of his car on the side of the busy highway when it had broken down, and holding on to a car's bumper to ride a skateboard.
For months, I noticed a recurring pattern that my kids get sick after spending a weekend with their dad. I’ve come to realize that there is very little adult supervision when their grandmother is not present. Chris, my ex-husband, would fall asleep, leaving the kids to fend for themselves. This lack of supervision led to higher consumption of sugar and staying up later than usual. This disrupted the routine and triggered their immune system which I believe made them more susceptible to illness. It’s reminiscent of the pattern I experienced during our marriage.
It’s a challenging situation for me because I feel like I have no control over what happens to them during that time. My anxiety levels have been increasing significantly. It’s a constant fear that consumes me, and it makes it difficult to send them off to spend time with their father during his weekends.
I tried communicating my concerns to him but they fell on deaf ears. I would share my thoughts with several other friends to ensure I wasn’t unreasonable. In more extreme situations, I tried filing complaints to the Friend of the Court. All of my efforts failed. I have come to recognize that this is my problem with anxiety and lack of control when my kids are with my ex-husband on his weekends.
My ex-husband had openly admitted he is a big kid and that he doesn’t want to grow up. In those exact words.
Despite my efforts to ensure our children had a more successful week by getting adequate rest, finishing their homework, and having enough food, my ex-husband wasn’t interested. It was difficult to get him to understand the importance of these things, and it led to arguments and frustration. So, while it was exhausting to deal with the aftermath of their weekend visits, it was still preferable to the constant battle of trying to get my ex-husband to understand our children’s needs.
One way I have found peace in the midst of my anxiety is by surrendering it to God and allowing Him to handle it for me. In Matthew 6:25–27, Jesus tells us not to worry about our lives, what we will eat or drink, or what we will wear, because God takes care of the birds and the flowers, and we are of much more value than they are. He reassures us that worrying will not add a single hour to our lives. I remind myself of this scripture when I start to feel overwhelmed by my anxiety. I pray and ask God to take my worries and fears away from me and replace them with His peace. It’s not easy to let go of control, but trusting in God’s love and care for me and my children brings a sense of comfort and relief that no amount of worrying ever could.
The second way I have found peace is by recognizing that I could not change the situation. I just had to adjust. Eventually, I stopped trying and accepted that my kids would come back to me tired, hungry, grumpy, and on the brink of getting sick, with their homework unfinished. I started treating Sunday nights as downtime and made sure to have food and snacks ready. I didn’t make any plans and just focused on parenting when they returned. This often meant late nights spent doing homework, and my kids would get mad at me for being strict. They had just spent the weekend with the fun parent, and now they had to face reality and their responsibilities again. It was a tiring and draining experience.
Once I started relying on prayer and learned to accept and adapt to the situation, things became more manageable. It was less stressful than constantly trying to communicate with my ex-husband about all the things he didn’t care about.