a moment of honesty with myself….

photo by 9th sage

i had a conversation with myself today. you see, its hard to take look in the mirror at yourself and be honest with what you see inside of it. it gets even harder to stare at the parts of yourself that you’ve known along have been the reasons your life feels like a broken record full of hardship, loneliness and self-sabotage. i’ve spent a lot of my life asking myself, “why me?” the answer is the second word in that question, me. lately, i’ve been doing a lot of self-reflecting, & i’ve grown to realize i’ve been in my own way this entire time. i’ve been at war with myself, all while wondering what’s been attacking me.

i feel the problem, more times than not, is that we don’t want to accept the honest truth that we are the creators of our own circumstances. playing the victim & blaming everything else is easier for us. we can’t keep doing the same things & wondering why things aren’t getting any better. taking that long, hard, look into the mirror made me realize that i need to do a lot of inner work before i even begin to blame anything else for why my life isn’t the way i want it to be. i’m the reason why it isn’t the way i want it to be. everything i yearn for is on the other side of fear, doubt, self-sabotage &lack of self-love.

we can’t keep pushing people away & then questioning where they went. we can’t keep denying the one’s that care about us most the chance to love us & help us in the ways we need most. we can’t keep projecting our own lives & insecurities onto other people all because we don’t know how to let go. we can’t keep praying to god & the universe for things & doubting them as soon as we close our mouths. we can’t keep having the same mindset & perception(s) that created the problems we have in hopes that they’ll be the solutions. every time we do these things, we blind ourselves & block every blessing we long for. i don’t want to keep being my own demise. for too long i’ve refused to learn the lessons that i need to for my life to move forward, & for too long i’ve been in a never-ending cycle of the same experiences all because i refuse to see the signs. i’ve blinded myself, & for the first time, i’m learning to see again.

a lot of us make the mistake of not letting our inner self guide us; we think we know it all. we know nothing. we don’t know how to let go of control instead of just being. there is growth in going with the flow & trusting the process. living day by day with so much doubt will kill you before you even get the chance to die. i know that its up to me to do what i have to do for me so that i can heal myself in ways i’ve neglected to do so. we are all healers, but we forget to use our own powers on ourselves. we forget to take care of us. we get so jaded with everything around us that we forget who we are & how grateful we need to be for being alive. we doubt so much that we never use our gifts, our passions, to their full potential all because of something as nonexistent as fear.

i’m starting to see that its time to stop wasting my own time. i cannot control everything. i have people around me that care so much about me & want to love me, but my doubt & fear make it so hard for them to do so. i have the power to heal & inspire but i refuse to take care of my own self so that i can grow. i have such a brilliant mind & gifts that i refuse to fully take a chance on because, instead of trusting myself, i see every negative thing 20 miles down the road. i feel i’ve finally come to a point where i have accepted that i create my own problems, most of the time we all do. i finally see that i have to trust the universe, trust god, trust the process, & trust myself, & change my mindset &perception if i ever want anything in my life to change.

i feel i’ve come to a point in my life of awakening. the life that i long for starts as soon as i get out my own way & begin to fully practice loving myself unconditionally. i think for the first time in my life, in this moment, i’m proud of myself. it isn’t easy being this honest with the person you are, but its one of the most important things you could ever do for yourself. i feel i’m ready to truly evolve & be the man i was created to be & create the life i stop myself from living everyday. there is a lot to be grateful for in this life & we can’t appreciate it all if all we dwell on are the things that go wrong. maybe we are the reason & there isn’t much else left to it. more than anything, i’m at peace with the fact that i found the strength to be honest with myself so that i can begin to walk in the light that’s been inside of me this whole time, & i hope that after reading this you all can start walking in yours. thank you for reading. i hope you love yourself more & more everyday, peace.

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