9 Executive Orders Under a Larry David Presidency

8 min readJul 31, 2017

A limit on free samples. Banning the Happy Birthday song. Enforcing Patient-Dental Hygienist Confidentiality.

In honor of the return of Curb Your Enthusiasm for its ninth season, we decided to publish a limited series called 9 Weeks of Curb. Every Sunday night for the nine weeks leading up to the week before the season premier on October 1st, we will publish a “9 best of article…” where we reminisce on some of the best moments from the legendary comedy’s previous 80 episodes.

For the first week, we’ve come up with 9 EXECUTIVE ORDERS THAT A PRESIDENT LARRY DAVID WOULD CERTAINLY ENACT ON DAY 1. We will include video footage, in addition to our opinions on the legitimacy of said orders.

Catch us next Sunday night on August 6th, for the 9 Best Curb Arguments.

Jonathan & Michael

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EXECUTIVE ORDER 001: One shall not obtain more than two samples at an ice cream parlor.

Episode/video link: (Season 6, Ep. 3 — The Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial) https://youtu.be/q8jzHOEHtes?t=17s

Blurb: Larry & Jeff go to a local ice cream shop and the woman in front of them takes her sweet (pun intended) time when choosing a flavor.

Our thoughts:

JD: In my opinion, sampling is an integral part of the ice cream experience. I will definitely find myself sampling and then never even committing to a flavor. Too much ice cream for one cup, everybody is lactose intolerant anyways.

MS: This isn’t quite black and white. It really depends on the speeds of both the customer and the scooper. Therefore, I don’t think this could be fairly enforced.

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EXECUTIVE ORDER 002: Stop & chats, and chat & cuts, are outlawed.

Episode/video link: (Stop & Chat — Season 2, Ep. 10 — The Massage) — https://youtu.be/5f2LJXz-l2k / (Chat & Cut — Season 8, Ep. 5 — Vow of Silence) — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vd7XO18qxJg

Blurb: This is a combination of two great LD moments. The epic Stop & Chat occurs when Larry and Jeff are walking down the street and one of Larry’s many acquaintences recognizes him and stops to have a conversation. Larry keeps on moving instead. The Chat & Cut occurs at a dinner party, during which LD finds himself in line for food. A woman appears out of nowhere, begins to talk to the man in front of Larry. LD weighs in on this interaction.

Our thoughts:

JD: Does this also and apply to Lyft and Uber drivers? That’s a large part of their job. I do love watching a good old fashioned chat and cut though.

MS: Larry is 110% right here, period.

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EXECUTIVE ORDER 003: Parents are required to tell their children that the tooth fairy is not real no later than the tenth birthday.

Episode/video link: (Season 5, Ep. 3 — The Christ Nail) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-kLWPEAAT8

Blurb: Sammi wakes up in the act of her mother Susie putting money under her pillow, thus exposing that there is no tooth fairy. An epic argument ensues, in which Larry proclaims, “it had to happen eventually…kid’s 11 years old already.”

Our thoughts:

MS: I’d even go younger — maybe 8. I probably found out in 3rd grade the tooth fairy wasn’t real, but it wasn’t from my parents. Like the “birds and the bees,” this conversation is best had with Mom and Dad around the kitchen table rather sooner than later. It’ll save a lot of trouble.

JD: Yep I agree. I think that surprise should be unveiled as soon as the parents oust Santa.

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EXECUTIVE ORDER 004: Happy Birthday is banned.

Episode/video link: (Season 4, Ep. 2 — Ben’s Birthday Party) https://youtu.be/bQlvPoUSK8k?t=1m48s

Blurb: Unsurprisingly, LD hates the birthday song. Ben Stiller does not take a liking to Larry’s choice to not sing the song. Click to 1:48 to see the song, then to 3:05 to see Ben confront Larry about it.

Our thoughts:

MS: This is a slippery slope because this sets a dangerous precedent for banning any sort of celebratory music. What’s next? Wedding bands? Bat Mitzvah DJs?

JD: I don’t know anyone that likes the Happy Birthday song, especially when it’s sung awkwardly well my a group of waiters at an Italian restaurant. Everyone looks at you, there’s parmesan flying everywhere, and they always dim the lights. You can’t see what you’re eating.

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EXECUTIVE ORDER 005: The initial plan is considered the final confirmation. No exceptions.

Episode/video link: (Season 8, Ep. 5 — Vow of Silence) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-5JngGHp5s

Blurb: Larry and Richard Lewis argue about why lunch plans fell through. LD argues that the initial plan meant a confirmation, while Lewis argues a firm confirmation close to the lunch must be made.

Our thoughts:

MS: I strongly disagree with Larry here. The plan is absolutely NOT the confirmation. In Richard’s words, “a plan is a plan. A confirmation is a confirmation.” I’ve lost count of the number of times plans fell through last minute due to poor communication around the time of said event.

JD: Richard Lewis knows what he’s talking about here. I would even assert that we need double confirmation. Does it have to be in writing though? I think it depends on the parties involved.

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EXECUTIVE ORDER 006: House tours are illegal.

Episode/video link: (Season 3, Ep. 8 — Krazee-Eyez Killa) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WrxIqKy_kI

Blurb: Susie & Jeff move into a new house and LD makes his way over there. He walks in, chats with Jeff and Susie comes downstairs to say hello and offers a tour of the house. Larry wasn’t interested and things escalate rather quickly.

Our thoughts:

JD: I’ve always wanted to take a tour of houses in a neighborhood in which they are all identical. Could you imagine? “Here’s the kitchen”. Yeah we get it. I know where the towels are too.

MS: Bedrooms. Living rooms. Bathrooms. We get it. It’s a waste of time.

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EXECUTIVE ORDER 007: Rolling up elastic sleeves is a criminal offense.

Episode/video link: (Season 4, Ep. 4 — The Weatherman)_ https://youtu.be/5oX-8TbQhk0?t=3m36s

Blurb: Larry goes to the dentist to get his infamous plaque checked out, but has to receive novocaine for the treatment. He doesn’t care much for the standard over the face gas approach so the dentist offers to give him an injection in his arm instead. Rather than waiting for Larry to roll up his sleeves, the dentists rolls up the sleeve in a hurry, which renders the clinging nature of the sleeve useless.

Our thoughts:

JD: 100% agree. A good wrist cling is essential.

MS: This is classic vandalism. As Americans, we have the freedoms to choose whether to roll or to not roll our sleeves. I get where Larry is coming from, but he’s wrong on this one.

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EXECUTIVE ORDER 008: A “Non-recommend” recommendation is an appropriate means of communication.

Episode/video link: (Season 6, Ep. 10 — The Bat Mitzvah) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vkmrDvKPdps

Blurb: Larry recommends a director to Richard Lewis, but does so via a voicemail message. LD doesn’t particularly care for this director, but his point doesn’t come across clearly enough in the message.

Our thoughts:

JD: Definitely appropriate. With the right New York sarcasm, this can be used as a surefire way of handling two tricky situations, the first being the overall recommending someone to a friend process, and the second being the fact that it is someone you don’t truly align with.

MS: Another slippery slope law, and it’s particularly dangerous because it’s over the phone. How are we supposed to know Larry put “quotes” around his “recommend” on a phone call? This law will damage the means of telephonic communication as we know it. This certainly isn’t the only time either, that a phone call caused serious damage on this show.

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EXECUTIVE ORDER 009: Breaching ‘patient-hygienist confidentiality’ is a penal offense.

Episode/video link: (Season 4, Ep. 4 — The Weatherman) (NO LINK)

Blurb: Larry is at a dinner gathering, and is confronted by Marty Funkhouser about his tooth plaque. LD argues that it breaches “patient-hygienist confidentiality,” which Jeff proclaims doesn’t exist. “There is no patient-hygienist confidentiality.” Susie responds, “it’s unethical, maybe not legally like a doctor or a lawyer, but it’s unethical.” You know this is serious business when Susie is siding with Larry.

Our thoughts:

MS: This is a severe ethical breach, for sure, and probably a legal one. I agree with Larry.

JD: Totally agree. I tell my hygienists things in confidence, similar to how I interact with Google.

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Next week (August 6th): 9 Best Curb Arguments

Other installments:

Week 2 — 9 Most Absurd and Very Best Curb Arguments

Week 3 — 9 Best Curb Your Enthusiasm Celebrity Cameos

Week 4 — Are You Sure? — The 9 Best Larry David Stare-Downs

Week 5 — 9 Insane Moments that Are Honestly Too Insane for Curb Your Enthusiasm

Week 6 — A Tribute to Comic Shelley Berman, Larry David’s TV Dad

Week 7 — COMING SOON (September 17, 2017)