Don’t Be a Larry David
Heed the unintentional wisdom of the great Social Assassin.
Whether for better or for worse, we can use the ridiculous occurrences of Larry David’s life to improve our own selves. Avoid simple mistakes like giving up a cabinet to the guy who just moved into the office down the hall. Don’t hurl insults at the guy who’s in charge of fixing your mother’s headstone. And most importantly, if a child comes to your door saying “trick or treat,” for the love of God, just give the treat!
We certainly hope you can learn from Larry’s mistakes, and avoid such errors in any future endeavor.
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Always Check for Typos
This seems so simple, but one wrong letter can mean everything. Just ask Larry when he was put in charge or writing up Cheryl’s aunt’s obituary. After this, you’ll be sure to check over your resume or thesis for a second or third or fourth or fifth time. Every letter counts.
-MS
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Always Be Nice to Your Neighbors
As we all know (assuming that you are an avid Curb fan) Larry isn’t the best at forming meaningful and lasting relationships with people. I don’t know about you, but I truly believe you can never really know how someone can help you until the right situation arises.
In this scene Larry gets a call from a woman that he has been seeing, and she spills the beans that she has a boyfriend. She gives Larry’s address to her boyfriend (by accident, supposedly), and before we know it, he is already in front of Larry’s house. LD sprints out of the house and attempts to seek shelter in his neighbor’s houses. This doesn’t go so well with the first two (Ted Danson and Larry’s doctor), but finally he makes it into Jeff and Susie’s house.
Remember, always be nice to anyone you meet. You’ll never know when you need a favor from them.
-JD
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Never Insult the Stonemason, Especially If He’s Working On Your Mother’s Headstone
Mom and Dad taught us this one years ago. NEVER talk negatively about somebody in public. Why? Because the person you are gossiping about may either be in the room, or in Larry’s case, directly in front of your face.
Larry hires a stonemason to fix his mother’s headstone (last week’s piece will show you why). After calling him an “unbelievable a**hole” for saying Derek Jeter was the most overrated shortstop of all time (remember, Larry is a huge Yankees fan), Larry is greeted by a newly altered headstone which exposes him for killing the country club owner’s beloved black swan, Kyoko.
-MS
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Always Say Goodbye/Goodnight
This always bothers me, too. People tend to forget to say goodbye and will often just drift away from conversation, especially if they don’t know you.
In this episode, there are a few instances during which Larry is scolded for not saying goodbye. The most notable one, in my opinion, is when he leaves a game that he is playing with his in-laws. His father-in-law looks up from his deck of cards and says “don’t you say goodnight?”
-JD
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Never Date Two People At Once
How does Larry arrive at the point of polygamy? He first dates a wheelchair bound woman named Denise, but is unable to get a hold of her for a second date (Susie threw his blackberry into the ocean, and he loses all his contacts).
Strolling around town, Larry bumps into another wheelchair bound woman named Wendy. Larry has always boasted about the “bald community,” so he assumes there is some sort of wheelchair community and asks Wendy if she knows Denise (obviously she doesn’t).
Larry becomes enamored with Wendy, and asks her out on a date, assuming he will never be able to find Denise again.
But Larry forgets that this is Curb Your Enthusiasm…
-MS
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Never Give Up a Cabinet
I don’t know if anyone reading this has or has had roommates, but this is a touchy subject. Cabinet space is like Parmesan cheese at a restaurant. You really need just the correct amount or else things just don’t feel quite right. In this episode, Larry has a new office neighbor, Dino (a.k.a. “Big Dog”). Big Dog subtly coerces LD into giving him a cabinet in the communal office pantry, and actually takes over more than Larry had bargained for. This obviously doesn’t fly well with LD, and rest assured, a massive argument develops.
-JD
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Don’t Yell at Someone With High Blood Pressure
Even if you’re clearly in the right, always be careful with whomever you argue. You never know the point at which they might just drop dead from a heart attack, as happened to Larry’s nemesis Norm in this classic episode.
On a second note, never order crispy onions!
R.I.P. Norm.
-MS
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Always Speak Your Mind …or Shut Your Trap…Eh Use Your Best Judgment With This One
I go back and forth on this because I am someone who has food guilt. I will always eat something that is prepared for me, even if I’m allergic to it. I will do whatever it takes to not insult a host. Larry David, on the other hand, will do quite the opposite. While trying to find a new chef for their restaurant, Larry, Jeff and Ted sit down for a meal prepared by a highly regarded chef. At the end of the meal, he asks Larry what he thinks and LD doesn’t hold back. He decides to say “it was a little saucy.” Well played Larry. Well played.
-JD
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Always Go For Treat, Not Trick
Just. Give. The. Damn. Candy.
Child strangers will be coming to your door all night this upcoming Halloween. We’d advise you just to give them the candy. No questions. No asking for tricks. Just give the candy and be done with it. Otherwise, you’re likely going to get “BALD A**HOLE” spray-painted on your door.
-MS
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Other installments:
Week 1–9 Executive Orders Under a Larry David Presidency
Week 2–9 Most Absurd and Very Best Curb Arguments
Week 3–9 Best Curb Your Enthusiasm Celebrity Cameos
Week 4 — Are You Sure? — The 9 Best Larry David Stare-Downs
Week 5–9 Insane Moments that Are Honestly Too Insane for Curb Your Enthusiasm
Week 6 — A Tribute to Comic Shelley Berman, Larry David’s TV Dad
Week 8 — COMING SOON (September 17, 2017)
Week 9 — COMING SOON (September 24, 2017)
