Gooey, chewy, moist and gluey.
So, I have about an hour till sunset and half an hour till i start preparing something to eat… a reasonable amount of time to write a little thing.
Today has been a decent day, saw a lot of videos about a lot of different stuff, studied a bit, played / practiced some guitar, and here i am.
But for the past two days, today included, my mind has been hard at work, bothering me with existential questions, questions that it knows it cannot (at least yet) answer. Mainly, and again, what am i doing with my life?
It could be that because I’ve spend a lot of the past hours alone, I’ve started to think these unsettling thoughts, but they’ve always been there, as apparent from previous writings. The thing is, it almost always boils down for me into the debate between rationality and emotions, between where i feel comfortable and what i think i should be doing, and sadly they are not aligned.
I left my job because of rational reasons mainly, I felt the need to do something else with my life, something that helps out more people, and gave me the means and time to do it, but at the same time, I had to pay a price, leaving the people i know and love behind, leaving the beaten path, and filling my time with more doubts and uncertainties than i began with.
I’ve mentioned in an earlier post that i started to be at ease with the idea of not accomplishing anything groundbreaking, but i am not sure that is true, or at least, i am not sure i am doing that, or reaping any benefit of being at ease, i am still worried and annoyed that i don’t study as much, and i am not that satisfied with my music practicing enough, neither am i fully comfortable with my social life.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not ungrateful or the complaining type, actually quite the opposite, i just fear settling for less when i am capable of achieving more. It’s the nightmare that is “The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.” that horrific quote, which haunts me days and nights.
It could be a typical thing for folks my age, but then again, when we get older, do we just stop caring, or get too busy or worse, feel it’s to late to do something about it? gosh, the overthinking!
Well, this has been an upsetting post till now, i am not sure if it will end on a hopeful note, but i think this mood of melancholy will be over tomorrow when i get busy with classes and start going out again. I just hope it’s the weather (It’s been showers all day).
So, what shall i name this? this is one of these posts that are easy to pick a picture for, but hard to come up with a name for…
While i went looking for a picture for this post, i came up with the title, it’s random, it’s sad, and it’s a mixed up mess, so it’s nice, although i came up with the name before thinking about what it meant, probably because i am hungry.
Also the picture just gave me an idea, that life is like riding a Ferris wheel, you have your ups and downs, but it’s all part of the fun, you wouldn’t get up if you weren’t for a while down.
Yet we do ponder and think more when we’re down, than when we’re up, and maybe that’s our problem, we should take the time to think when we’re happy, and see where that may lead our thoughts, to a higher place than before i hope.