How Would Tinder (or any other online dating apps) work in your favor?
Though I have passion in learning many things about love and relationships by joining webinars, watching videos or listening to podcasts done by licensed psychologists and life coaches, I don’t consider myself an expert in any of these. What I will write here are all based on my personal experiences that worked for me — it may or may not work on other people.
When I was new in this online dating world I had no idea what I exactly want in a man, I was fresh out of a long term relationship and I probably craved some attention from other men. I basically dove in head first without having an idea what I’m getting into. I am definitely naïve and a hopeless romantic searching for that Mr. Right. Few months in, after a hundred of swipes, after being stood up a couple of times, and after not receiving a text message at all after date no. 3, I was ready to give up but my curiosity and desperation to figure out why nothing had been working out started ringing at me. After two years of tough online dating, I’ll tell you a couple of things I did which made everything work in my favor. What’s my ultimate proof that it worked out for me? I am currently in a stable, mature, healthy and fun-loving relationship from someone I met on Tinder.
1. Are you enjoying the single life?
Who you are single is who you will be when you enter a relationship. Basically, the same person. If I ask you right now — would you date you? Listen to your own answer. If your mindset tells you that you will only be happy if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend or if you are in a relationship then it will never work out. Why? You will always seek some validation externally to fill that void within you when you should be the one filling that void yourself. Cliché as it may sounds but it’s true that happiness comes from within. If you are feeling miserable and bitter being single then nothing will change when you get into a relationship. It took me years to discover things about myself, on how to make myself my priority, on how I can make myself happy without seeking it from someone else, on what my flaws are and on how I’ll embrace them, on how I label and handle my emotions. Until one evening, I got home from work exhausted, opened a bottle of wine, started catching up on a series and at that exact moment I felt so happy in my own company. The most BS thing I can say is ‘love yourself’ or ‘just be happy,’ life is chaotic, it’s not perfect and it’ll be ugly but how will you turn things around to make things look positive and light? Self-discovery enters here. What I do personally to make myself feel happy and positive might not work for others so give yourself time to really know yourself, date yourself if you must, make mistakes and don’t feel bad about it. Most of the things I discovered about myself came from my own mistakes, it’s always a learning curve so don’t beat yourself up. Enjoying the single life is not an easy overnight process, it will take time and please enjoy that sweet time and follow your own pace. Believe me when I say that you will never be happy with anyone else (even with the perfect partner) if you’re not happy within yourself.
2. Do you know exactly what you want in your future partner?
Given that you are already having this awesome imperfect single life, your positive aura and energy is oozing all over you and you keep on attracting these people. But are they the right one for you? What then? First, you have to know what it is you’re looking for out of dating — casual? open-relationship? serious/long term? One night stand? Cut the BS and be true to yourself. It has to be 100% clear and stand firm on that. Now that you’re clear on what you’re looking for, what are the negotiable and non-negotiable qualities does your future partner has to have then? I’ll give an example: I was looking for a serious/long term relationship. I have a few negotiable qualities like it doesn’t really matter if we listen to different things or watch different genres of movies. I paid more attention thinking about the non-negotiable qualities:
- Do we have the same views on marriage/kids/family?
- Do we have the same moral values/moral openness?
- How do we value honesty?
- How do we view financial stability?
- How do we see commitment?
- How do we communicate in a relationship when there are problems?
- What are our own goals in life? (where do we see ourselves a few years from now?)
Most women are scared of talking about these things in the first date or first few days of chatting as they might scare the man off. My view on that is if the man you’re dating is mature enough then he will openly answer such questions but if not, then be thankful because you already know what kind of man you’re dealing with. Of course, don’t make the questioning feel so intrusive, make it light and fun. What I did was I shared a little bit of what I think about it (the questions above) then ask the man what he thinks — I just sat back and listened carefully to his answers. I was once scared of asking these questions and I ended up being a label-less relationship for a few months which felt so disappointing. It’s better to know the important things a few weeks in than spend months or years in uncertainty. Also, it would be easier to filter those you date when you know exactly what you’re looking for plus it will save you a lot of tears and heartbreaks, too.
3. The ‘Abundance’ Mindset
Don’t put your eggs in one basket. I used to be the woman who can’t date multiple men — my own definition of date meaning going out for lunch or dinner excluding sleeping with them. That’s just me though, if you can sleep with multiple people then just be safe. Anyway, so when I started seeing a couple of men my focus was divided among them. It becomes a bit complicated when you focus on the first man who sent you a message or gave you a bit of an attention because let’s face it, he is still a stranger to you and you have no idea what you’re dealing with yet. You’re expectations get too high and when this man doesn’t meet it you’d be very disappointed. Remember that men are born ‘hunters’, they like to chase and they value what they worked hard for. Train your mindset that you are an amazing and independent woman and there are billions of men out there waiting for someone just like you. When you go on a date, stop those internal questions of whether does he like you or would he like what you’re wearing, you’re make-up or would he like your personality? Just tune it down! Reverse it around and ask yourself — are you actually having fun on this date? Do you like this guy? Do you see some potential with this guy? Would you date him again? Focus on what YOU feel.
4. Standards. Standards. Standards.
A friend once asked me if she should lower her standards since she’s been having a hard time finding and keeping men. Again, if you know exactly what you want in a man and in a relationship it’ll be easy to stand firm on your standards (read: rational and realistic) and trust that the right man for you will willingly and happily abide by your standards. And for those who can’t? Buh-bye. Next! A concrete example of dating and standards as explained by my favorite life coach, Amy Young, is compared to food shopping. The dating world equates the big grocery store and the men are the fruits. You want a banana, you don’t want a strawberry or a peach or an apple. You.want.a.banana. So when you first entered the shop, all those near the entrance are strawberries, peaches and apples — you patiently went to aisle after aisle to look for a banana but it’s not there. Finally, after 30 minutes, you went all the way to the back and finally found a banana! You see with dating, not because it’s easy, you’ll settle for it. Not because you first saw strawberries at the entrance, you’ll already get it. You should be patient enough to navigate around the shop to find a banana. You have to be patient when it comes to online dating — you’ll definitely match with people you don’t even like but that’s the world of dating. It is part of the process and you have to deal with it. Again, as long as you know exactly what you want (a banana) then it’ll be easier for you to navigate through, filter those you meet and stand firm on your standards.
5. The ‘What Are We?’ Talk
To be honest — if you have to ask this question I guess you pretty much have your answer. Let me give you two scenarios: I dated this man for a few months, it was obvious that we liked each other a lot though he’s a very busy man so we don’t get to have dates quite frequently and it feels like I have to insert myself into his schedule and since we don’t get to date or hang out much it will get to a point where I will ask him when I’ll see him again to which he will provide his ‘I’m busy’ excuse. It came to a point that it felt like I’m just wasting my time so I already had to pull the ‘what are we’ talk. At that point, I knew what we are but I guess I just wanted to hear it straight from him. I’m still thankful though because he honestly told me he can’t fully commit to me which made me end things. Another scenario — I went on a first date with this amazing man and I knew right then and there that he was something. I let him initiate our dates to which he consistently plans on advance to which I’m impressed considering he is a very workaholic person. I continued observing his actions when we’re together. Everything feels light and he never made me question things or gave me a reason to have doubts about us. A month of dating and he asked me to be his girlfriend, his friends and family started knowing about me and meeting me. See the difference? Someone who really likes you will make you feel that they indeed like to be with you, period. But don’t get me wrong, some would take time before they make things official or exclusive but my take on that is wait at least 3–6 months and if things aren’t official/exclusive or progressing then it’s absolutely fine to discuss about the direction of the relationship. Be prepared for his answer and most importantly, have the courage to walk away if you don’t like his answer.
6. Don’t use online apps as the ONLY platform to meet people
I was an avid user of Tinder but since I also love travelling I used that opportunity to meet others too. Even an introvert like me started to love travelling and exploring other places outside my comfort zone that made my world even bigger when I started meeting other people. Start filling out your week with other activities outside of work — don’t be scared and just go out there. It can be a spinning class, check out this new hipster bar, go to events that you fancy or tag along with your friends. There are millions of things to do, you just have to be open and be positive about it. Doesn’t matter if you met a guy or not, what matters is if you enjoyed that event or that spinning class. Win- Win situation. I remember a colleague who thinks that her own Mr. Right will just fall right in front of her at the right time, she told me she’ll be patiently waiting for him while she sits back and relax. Although that can be true, it is also honestly ridiculous to have that mindset. You can’t just sit back and relax — you also have to do your part by going out there and just start meeting people.
I hope my entry was helpful and if you can add more tips then please comment below and would love to hear about it. :)
