To my present: WHY SO SCREWED?

devouryourthoughts via Pinterest

What does a person do when her life becomes a punishment? What does a person do when everything around her seems on the verge of falling apart? Well! most of the things have already fallen apart. What worse could life get that I am forced to write under a name I wanted to have but couldn’t, which makes it alias. The dream of having this name as my actual name is, thankfully shared with none. So I should be safe in this territory, or so I would like to assume. I am 25, with a masters degree yet I don’t feel the need to make myself employable. I am 25, born with a big heart but now I have no love to give because I gave it all without getting anything in return but some allegations and distrust. No! I did but I did not realise it because I was busy giving my love. Does anyone see how this writing is turning crappy? Can you see how it does not make any sense? Lacks cohesiveness? Looks like a piece of chaos? Yes, it is all of these and worse. That’s why I say, my present is screwed up. The reason that my circumstances want me to take for this is my past. Now what makes me wonder is, if my past is responsible for the mess that is happening today, then should my future also have to be equally screwed up beacuse my present will be the past to my future that will be my present tomorrow? OMG! It implies that the rest of my life will be screwed up and I will not be able to do anything because: past actions. I go to back in my memories to see if at all i asked for things that are happening today, but no I havent ever wanted this. I wanted to love freely, I wanted to inspire , I wanted to grow into a beautiful woman who wasnt known for her externalities but the tenderness of her soul. Yet, I see that I have turned into a piece of mess who nobody wants to clean. I have been given labels by people who surround me according to their understanding of me. I would like to stop though I haven’t finished the talking. I hope things change for better!