Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 7 Recap: Enter The Bone Zone

#PettyIsComing to Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 7 “The Dragon and the Wolf.” Littlefinger, how do you plea?


Remember that time we all predicted the ghost of King Bobby Baratheon would bring down The Wall? (Image via @bighurtrocks with artwork added by Brandon via Instagram user @catpizzas)

Season 7, Episode 7: The Dragon and the Wolf

King’s Landing

The Unsullied, apparently having walked out of Casterly Rock unharmed, are lined up for a battle at the gates to King’s Landing while Jaime and Bronn wax poetic about the importance of cocks in war. It’s mostly funny because it’s the cockless ladies doing all the war thangz. Then the Horse Bois come rolling in screaming ready to fuckin FIGHT, but nothing else happens and we never return to them so what the fuck? Methinks they’re just squaring the fuck up for a maybe-necessary battle. But I’m happy to see Grey Worm (aka Greg Worm aka Gregory Frederick Worm).

The Dragon Pit

Dany shows up fashionably late to the Meeting of Most of the People Left Alive in This Show, pissing off Cersei. But not before we get to see some of our fav couples reunite: Ser Bronn of the Fucking Blackwater and Tyrion, Podry and Tyrion, Brienne and Jaime, Brienne and The Hound, The Mountain and The Ho — OH SHIT, THE MOUNTAIN AND THE HOUND. (*hyping intensifies* … *hyping detensifies when nothing happens*) Ah, the heart warms at all the people that other people probably should’ve killed a while ago. Anyway, after everyone takes stock of who else is still alive, Tyrion gets down to busin — wait. Shut up, Drunk Uncle Euron. You’re embarrassing us at Thanksgiving.

Anyway, long story short, The Hound trots out a wight that tries to eat Cersei, and Cersei is SHOOKETH, perhaps for the first time ever on this show. (For full dramatic effect, both the FrankenMountain and Jaime do Absolutely Goddamn Nothing when a giant mobile corpse charges Cersei. Earn that paycheck, guys.) Jon does a Home Shopping Network demonstration for all the ways you can use your Personal Living Dead Creature, and Cersei’s like “OK got it, cool, yep” as long as Jon bends the knee. Welp. Jon is a shortsighted doofus and says “nope bitch I already did” so Cersei says “BYE THEN” and leaves. Oh and four day old bowl of Spaghettios Euron Greyjoy turns into a wilted flower and runs away.

Tyrion goes after her to convince her she’s being stupid, and also that maybe her fourth creepy incest baby will survive longer if it’s not eaten by zombies first. He walks in the room alone, stuck between a Mountain and a Hard Bitch. But she doesn’t kill him for reasons to be revealed later.

Back outside we see some s e x u a l t e n s i o n with Jon and Dany, and despite Jon having totally fudged it back there, Dany seems pretty cool with the whole arrangement. And later, her hole arrangement. (Sorry.) And Dany tells Jon about how Her Dragon (does she know which one? We barely do) died for our sins or something. But really, does it even count as incest if you can’t have kids together? (Answer: yes.)

Cersei trots out and declares that the deal is, in fact, on again — more than that, the Lannister army is heading north too. Everyone leaves, relieved and hyped for an epic battle.

Until Jaime readies his battle plan and his sister is like “Lmfao no the deal is, in fact, off again, what did you expect?” Oh, okay, there’s the Cersei we all know (and love?)! Jamie’s pissed and says he made a promise to fight The Great War and he’s gonna do it. Cersei calls him a traitor and queues up The Mountain to execute him, but Jaime calls her damn bluff and rides off into the snowy sunset.

Cersei revealing her true intentions by calling Jaime “the stupidest” Lannister is a masterfully crafted character moment from probably the only major character left that the showrunners haven’t ruined with bad writing. Cersei gets to assert her superiority over someone else again, and it happens to be her brother she’s in love with. There are no limits to her ability to step on everyone else, and it’s depicted so well here that I almost want to don a Storm Trooper Queensguard suit and kill for her.

Notable quotables:

Everyone: “Sit down, Euron”
Euron: “Why?”
Everyone: “Your outfit”

Cersei: “I ask this only of Ned Stark’s son.”
Jon: “Lmao ok ‘Ned Stark’s son’ *air quotes* totally agrees” *snickers*

Euron: “When winter’s over, we’ll be the only ones left alive.”
Dany’s eyes: “I’d literally rather die.”

Tyrion: Dany will make the world better

Cersei: LOL IDGAF bout none of that fam

Tyrion: …..*leaves on read*

Dany: “My dragon died for this.”
Jon: “Yeah, um, I’ve been meaning to ask… which dragon was it?”
Dany: “Idk. Not Drogon?”

Jon: “Tyrion’s right, we’re fucked.”

Dany: “Not yet, let’s wait until we’re back on the boat.” *wink*


Laugh track: [plays]

Euron: “Fuck this, I’m out.”
Euron: “Don’t try to stop me.”


Team Dany argues over how Dany and Jon should travel to Winterfell to announce their relationship — I mean, their alliance. Hem, hem. Someone suggests Dany travel there via the Kingsroad, but Jon says he and Dany should travel together by boat so they can bang — I mean, to show unity. Hem, hem. Jorah agrees that Dany shouldn’t take the Kingsroad because her Targ hair could get her killed, but thinks she should fly to Winterfell on Drogon because he doesn’t want Jon to, um, unify with her. Tired of suggestions that will not result in sex with his aunt, Jon’s like “Look do whatever you want but this -” *points to his dick* “- is going by boat,” and Dany’s like “Well, when you put it that way, Jon and I will be traveling to Winterfell via boat.”

At some point either before or after the above, Jon walks in on Theon, who is in the throne room at Dragonstone for some reason. A touching moment ensues. Notably, Jon tells Theon that blood be damned; Ned was his father (and you carry him with you right *taps heart* here!). Just a real cute scene between one guy whose father is not Eddard and another guy whose father is not Eddard.

The cuteness gets weird fast as Theon suddenly grows a (metaphorical) pair and beats some guy to death and then steals all his friends as recruits in his quest to save Yara. Now, okay. Full disclosure: I (Lauren) was kinda fine with this; it was clear (to me) that Theon found his strength because Jon finally set him free. However, I will acknowledge that it was super weird when, at the moment when Theon should have lost the fight and died with his soul at peace, he instead got kicked three times in the space his penis used to occupy and started laughing and then made what I’m pretty sure was an impossible comeback. I also heard some guys at the office declare that this scene was “so fucking stupid,” so I mean, that settles it.

Brandon here now to say this: the moment Seafaring Meatball kneed Theon in the crotch and they exchanged looks of “WWWHHHAAAAA” and “Oh. OH YEAH. THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT” we all knew how it would end. He got a boner from not being able to get a boner and I don’t know what was lost or gained from having seen it. Okay, see ya later

So then Theon washes off his bloody face with salt water, so maybe pain DOES make him stronger now? Like a masochist Incredible Hulk? Four knees to a genital-less groin should probably still really hurt, but look we’re not a doctor so whatever. Just bring Yara back.

Notable quotables:

Jorah: *looks thirsty*
Jorah: *looks sad and thirsty*

Jon to Theon: “He’s your dad even if he’s not REALLY your dad. He’s my dad though. Just so we’re clear. I’m his real son and you’re his spirit son. Me — real, you — less real.”

Bran: *hits blunt* “Ok check this out”


At the Stark stronghold, Littlefinger seems to be doing his best impression of leading a witness (OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR) as he tries to convince Sansa that it is Sansa’s idea that Arya is there to kill her and be the Lady of Winterfell. Which, LOL Arya has never wanted to be Lady of shit beside These Hands.

But YO when Sansa tells whoever to bring Arya to the Great Hall and they start to read the charges, I was LADY OF THE SHOOKETH when Sansa accused Littlefinger. He begs and pleads and cries and then Arya slits his throat like it wasn’t SHIT. And for her, it really wasn’t.

Notable Quotables:

“I’m a slow learner, but I learn” — Sansa
“The lone wolf dies but the pack survives” — Old Ned Stark poem recited by Sansa and Arya

Meanwhile, everyone’s favorite Maester School Dropout rolls into Winterfell to peek in on Bran Sybil Trelawney, the Professor of Divination at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Professor Trelawney provides the necessary amount of Weird and then says that Jon ain’t a Snow, but a Sand, since bastards born in Dorne are given the surname Sand. Sam then takes a sip from the well, actually, and tells Professor Trelawney that well, actually, Johnny’s Hand (band name) isn’t a Sand at all, because his parents were legit married in Dorne, which he learned when Gilly told everyone a few weeks ago when Sam definitely wasn’t actually listening but whatever, we needed to arrive at this plot point so shut it. Professor Trelawney then takes this new knowledge that somehow didn’t exist in any of the three eyes previously and goes back and watches the wedding take place and can now (for some reason) hear what Lyanna was whispering to Ned all those years ago in the Tower of Joy: “This is my baby. And his name is JOHN CENA *hype music plays loudly*”

No, just kidding, Jon’s name is Aegon Targaryen. And he’s currently fucking his Aunt Daenerys.

The Open Sea

While Bran is narrating Jon’s Origin Story®, the camera cuts to Jon knocking on Dany’s cabin door with his Cold Tent® for a little sea bang. #seabang. Tyrion does his best impression of Jorah from outside the door while Harry fucks his Aunt Petunia outside of the cupboard, but beneath her stairs.

House Snark apologizes for this (Image by Brandon)

Eastwatch by the Sea

Coldemort rolls in riding his new Icy Boi looking like a kid whose mom made him ride the pony at a birthday party and Not Drogon Two melts…? the wall? Not Drogon Two’s wings are rotting for some ass reason, which doesn’t affect his ability to fly for some ass reason (Sean is super upset about this) (I’m not, but it’s still kinda funny when you think about it) (yes you are you’re VERY UPSET you’re crying haha crybaby) and blows what looks like regular ass fire except IT’S BLUE. Wow. It’s revolutionary. I am literally falling out of my chair someone call the ambulance. Blue fire. Wow.

Also, Not Drogon Two flaps his wings like a butterfly on acid or some shit and the Night King looks like a fuckin dork. One direwolf this season because the CGI budget went entirely toward turning Not Drogon Two into an angry moth that shoots magic out of its mouth. Which reminds us, where tf has Ghost been? Frolicking in the far-off kingdom of Overbudget, obviously.

Tormund and Beric are not shown burning(…?) to death in blue fire(?), so they probably lived. Again. Yawn.

Whatever, the music was cool!

BECKY POPPING IN HERE TO SAY I WAS HYPE AS HELL OVER THIS SCENE BECAUSE ZOMBIE DRAGONS ARE LIFE SO SUCK IT, LAUREN. Ok see ya. BRANDON POPPING IN HERE TO DEFEND LAUREN BY REMINDING BECKY HOW GOOFY NOT DROGON TWO LOOKED AND SOUNDED. Alright I have plans with Greg Worm so I gotta go too. BECKY AGAIN TO SAY: ZOOOOMBIEEE DRAAAGOONNNNNN. Okay really, but what were we saying? (Hi this is Lauren) We were saying Gregory S. Worm, but you can call me Greg. I’m here to explain that last night Brianna typed “Greg Worm” instead of “Grey Worm” and it was the funniest thing that has ever happened to anyone.

Greg Worm: “Please, call me Grey. Gregory Worm is my father.”

When the Night King drop the most…ice? Fire? Magic? album of all time (Image by Brandon)

House Snark Awards

This week’s House Snark awards go to…

Bran Snark Award for Bore: The CleganeBowl That Wasn’t.

Sandor compliments The Mountain on his ugly face and they don’t even fight? What am I supposed to do with these $80 Standing Room Only tickets I bought for the CleganeBowl Get Hype?

Sansa Snark Award for Sass: Bran…uh…Raven.

Bran: “Jon is on his way to Winterfell with Daenerys now.”

Sam: “Did you see that in a vision?!”

Bran: [holds up scroll explaining that Jon is traveling to Winterfell with Daenerys]

Arya Snark Award for Savagery: Arya Stark. And also Sean Adams.

Arya Goddamn Stark does not have time to watch your ass bleed out, Littlefinger. Places to be, faces to steal.

When part of the gang was discussing the equivalent Harry Potter characters to our Thrones folk here, Sean declared that the Harry Potter ghost Nearly Headless Nick would be played by Ned. Tell me that isn’t savage and I’ll send Arya and Sean after you.

Ned Snark Award for Gone but Not Forgotten: No one of consequence died in this episode.

BITCH YOU THOUGHT we were gonna put Littlefinger’s dumb shit name here? How bout this instead?


#ActualRodent #RealisticallyCGIdCentipede #ConfusedShrew #BoyBye #HisTearsAreLikeTheFinestWine

Jorah Mormont Award for Thirst: Jorah Mormont.

“Why have we stopped?”

“My queen, our ship has run aground. Ser Jorah was so thirsty that he drank a good portion of the sea.”

Honorable Mentions:

Brienne screaming “Fuck loyalty” was the best thing she or anyone else on this show has ever said about anything ever. This show props up these virtualistic ideals like honor and vows and shit like they fucking matter and someone finally said “Nah, fuck that. Life ain’t that black and white.”

Sam being like “Oooh… okay…” in response to Bran’s “I’m the three-eyed raven.” Like… maybe dial down the weird a little for your houseguest, Bran. Sam is ALL OF US. (But also… did Sam lowkey leave Gilly and Little Sam (old Sam, now) outside again? That’s pretty much his signature move.)

Shout out to the band Mastodon, whose members have repeatedly been featured as extras in the Wight Army, including this week. Because they just actually look like rugged northern zombies.

This Week in Emoji:


A Meme

Hot Pies!

Each week, we’ll rate the episode on the Hot Pie Scale, wherein we will assign a rating based on a number of Hot Pies it deserves out of a possible five.

Brandon: 🍰🍰🍰

I give this episode 3.73 pies. The dramatic build in the Dragonpit, coupled with…every single moment that involved Cersei being on screen is what kept this episode from floundering. The ending was fine, I guess, but we all saw it coming. Whatever.

This Pie Is Still Cold In The Center But Whatever I Guess I’ll Eat It.

Lauren: 🍰🍰🍰🍰

I thought this was the second-best episode of the season, which is akin to telling your only sister that she’s your favorite sister, but still… I didn’t hate it, and more importantly, if “The Spoils of War” was this season’s standard for a 5-pie episode, then “The Dragon and the Wolf” rightfully earns 4, imo. (Apologies for the world’s longest sentence.) I can count on one hand the amount of legitimately good character moments that happened this season, and this episode contained most of them. *shruggie* I liked it.

If The Best Pie Available Is A Store-Bought Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie, This Episode Is What That Pie Tastes Like After Sitting In My Fridge Overnight.

Becky: 🍰🍰🍰🍰

I AM VERY GENEROUS. Look, I know the writing to get there was trash, but I love Arya and Sansa together, and I missed them so much, and I’m so happy to see them being adorable again. Look, I know the writing to get there was trash but I JUST AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THE ZOMBIE DRAGON OKAY, it’s like two of my most favoritest things combined, and it destroys a centuries-old gigantic fucking wall with literally zero effort, and it’s piloted by a dude with pristine frosted tips. Look, I know the writing to get there was trash, but I am so relieved to see Jaime finally break Cersei’s spell and go off on his own, and I really hope he survives because he deserves it. Look, I KNOW the writing to get there was TOTAL UTTER trash, but it’s fucking FINALLY confirmed, i’s dotted, t’s crossed, Jon is a mothafuckin Targ and now he just has to find out so he can stop banging his very attractive aunt because it’s quite weird. Look, I know that the writing to get there was THE ACTUAL WORST WRITING IN THIS SHOW EVER, but Confused Shrew Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish is FINALLY OFF MY SCREEN FOREVER, GOODBYE, AMEN. I’m pleased.

I Saw the Baker Pick a Fly Out of the Pie Filling Before Baking It But I Let It Go Because The Pie Was Really Tasty After All.

Sean: 🍰🍰🍰

Last week, I gave a very low score to this show, partly because of the Arya/Sansa story. This week, they did what many people on this blog suggested they might — pull our chains yet again and reveal the whole feud was to throw us off for the big reveal. I won’t dock this week’s episode because of last week’s sins, but that sort of storytelling swerve is cheap and nonsensical.

The only way this story works as presented is if Bran, Arya and Sansa had it in mind from their first reunion discussion, when they discuss Littlefinger and his manipulations. If that’s the case, why would Arya and Sansa have a fraught, threat-laden discussion in Arya’s room? It wasn’t to throw off Littlefinger’s expectations, it was to throw off ours, which is bad storytelling. All that said: watching Sansa, Bran and Arya dismantle Littlefinger was almost worth it. I love how all three of them were in on the plan, not just the girls. I’ve always held that Sansa needed to be the one to destroy Littlefinger, so I’m glad they didn’t botch that like they did with her story with Ramsay.

Cersei is just a joy to watch. I worry, though, that the show is getting down to the end of the line and sorting all of the good guys on one side and the bad guys on the other. Now even Jaime is on the Stark side. We’ll have precious little of the moral quandaries that made the show so great.

The Crust On This Pie Is Stale So I’ll Just Eat Around It.

Brianna: 🍰🍰🍰

Nothing surprising happened but I’m pleased that Jaime is now apparently switching sides slash running away from Cersei and the demon she is allegedly pregnant with.

I’ve Eaten The Same Pie For Like Seven Weeks Straight But I’m Not Quite Sick Of It Yet.

Carol: 🍰🍰🍰

Ommegang’s Game of Thrones Beers, Ranked:

  1. Valar Morghulis
  2. Bend The Knee
  3. Three-Eyed Raven
  4. Valar Dohaeris
  5. Iron Throne
  6. Seven Kingdoms
  7. Take The Black Stout
  8. Being burned alive with wildfyre while a dragon bites you on the ass and Euron wears his jacket in front of you
  9. Fire And Blood

Episode and Season Post-Mortem:

Brandon: I’ve never felt a disappointment with an entire season like I do with season seven. Season five had its own awful mistakes that needn’t be mentioned here because they’ve been talked about at length already by scores of critics and fans alike, but it had a semblance of a story everywhere except the Dorne plot that at least forgave how poorly some of it was executed. This season was a mess. The decision to shorten the final two seasons will be what ultimately undid this show as the best show on television and reduced it to cheap thrills that everyone kept watching because there was already too much investment that was earned over the course of the first four seasons, and that’s a huge bummer. A seven episode season was somehow simultaneously boring and fast, dragged out and rushed to move things from one place to another. Everything this season was done out of convenience to the story, which felt like it was reverse engineered by the writers to backfill what they already had in mind for the ending.

As far as the episode goes, I’ll keep it brief: I outlined what I liked in my Hot Pie Rating. What I didn’t like was Littlefinger’s nonsensical story this season coming to an end the way it did. Did Arya, Bran, and Sansa hatch this plan when they all reunited in the Godswood? Why’d Arya and Sansa fight in private then? Did they just ask Bran now what the fuck was happening? That dude has been rolling around Winterfell in his chair for the better part of this season and you’re just now asking him? Everything was slopped together, much like Arya’s Braavos story arc last season. The writers take big ass liberties with the fact that she’s one of the most popular characters on the show and they nearly crossed a line for most this season (they already did for me last season, but whatever, I’m just some dude recapping episodes online and shouting with food in my mouth).

Lauren: I feel SAD! Sad that this is the last #HouseSnark recap of the season, sad that a story with so many layers and so much to reveal has been reduced to a shell of what it once was, and sad that George R. R. Martin is so convinced he’ll finish the series that he won’t even give the CREATORS OF THE TV ADAPTATION enough information to do this story justice when, let’s face it, this could very well be the only medium in which it ever gets completed. What an ill-formed, spiteful little creature. You’re no son of mine, George.

I also feel mad. Because if my attitude toward George is the equivalent of how Tywin feels about Tyrion, well, David Benioff and Dan Weiss are the equivalent of how Cersei feels about literally everyone who isn’t her reflection.

But the anger will fade, as always. I’ll watch next season, of course, AS ALWAYS. My attitude toward this show is how Dany feels about Jorah: like, he’s sorta my friend I guess, but I don’t REALLY care about his terminal rotting flesh disease. Oh, he’s cured? That’s cool. I guess.

Becky: I’m gonna strongly disagree with Brandon here and hope he doesn’t read this far down into the recap because he’s too vain. I found zero redemption in season 5. Nothing about it was good. It brought a terrible dorne plot and Sansa’s deeply undeserved and unexplained trauma to our screens. For me, yeah, Sansa and Arya were a big disappointment throughout the season. They both acted irrationally and unbelievably. We were asked to accept a lot from all the characters with little evidence our faith would pay off. Not enough people died.

But, look, the plot points are where I want us to be near the end of this series: We’ve got Jon’s parentage locked up, we’ve got alliances breaking and forming in all the right places, we’ve got a whole pile of Starks back in Winterfell, and we’ve got a zombie dragon. I’m down with all that. Yeah, the points in this finale were all fairly predictable, but some part of me feels satisfied by having all the pieces in the right places on the board.

It’s very clear, as soon as the show ran out of book-material to go on, that these writers don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. But once you accept that fact, you can enjoy the show like any other plot-driven mess on TV. And that’s what I intend to do, for my health and for my sanity, until the goddamn Winds of Winter comes out.

Sean: Jaime’s story is not quite as satisfying on the show as it is in the books, due to how things have been altered (Jaime never discovered Cersei’s several infidelities, and is less prone to examine how she’s been a toxic influence on him). Her destroying the Sept of Baelor and all the people inside was absolutely something Jaime has been presented as being not okay with, but he was still fully on her side — resigned to it, even — until the threat of zombie apocalypse.

Dany and Jon getting together, Jon being revealed as a Targaryen, the ice dragon bringing down the Wall: all of these things are largely predictable, if you’ve been watching all along. It’s like Anton Chekhov famously said: if you introduce a giant wall of ice protecting the realm of men in season one, it must collapse by season seven.

Now that doesn’t mean they’re necessarily bad or badly done — but it also means they’re not necessarily as exciting as we’re supposed to think, either.

I could do without the aunt/nephew love scene, which the show’s ambivalence toward feels almost like endorsement. But whatever, those are attractive humans who aren’t related in real life, so fine. Trot out your “Flowers In The Attic” fanfic if you must, I guess?

I get it: they’re young, attractive people with not nearly enough boning in their stressful, violent lives. But do we buy them together as characters? Did the show earn it, or are we taking it for granted that they’d want to bang? Was there ever a chance that they wouldn’t? Couldn’t they have been that thing … what’s it called, you know, when you like a person and they aren’t related to you, but you don’t want to fuck them … friends? Friends! Yeah, that. Any chance of just the two of them having grudging respect, professional admiration or even a personal rapport without sex?

I’m currently leaning towards “them boning was as inevitable/obligagory as the wall falling.” No real sense of urgency or drama about it. Their pairing is the story going through the motions — kinda like that boring sex choreography, amirite? They both just kinda laid there. (Lay there? Lie there? Shit, where’s Stannis to correct my conjugation?)

That might sound more critical than I mean it to, but — especially since we all already put the pieces together about Jon’s heritage long before this — if they were expecting us to be cheering for them only to have the rug pulled out from underneath our feet, well, that is not the case. It’s more “ew” and then “duh (see also: ew).”

Brianna: That scene with Jaime leaving Cersei and riding out of King’s Landing and the music with the gentle snowfall ALMOST erases Bran talking about how Jon is a Targaryen (AEGON TARGARYEN) while we see him and DAENERYS TARGARYEN fucking.


Predictions for Next Season:

Brandon: Flash forward to a train station. Jon (Aegon), now slightly older (he has like four gray hairs) looks at his wife, Daenerys, and her large bob hairdo and three wrinkles on her face. He kneels beside his son and tells him, “Viserys Jorah Targaryen, you were named after two of the worst characters I knew.”

Lauren: I don’t want to hope. It’s too early to Dream of Spring :’(

What I want to happen: insane, mind-blowing shit that is too awesome for me to imagine, but also makes perfect sense. And Dany in her Night Queen coat as the NQ, of course.

What will happen: Jon/Dany (interchangeable) will have to kill Dany/Jon (interchangeable) to save the world, but not before Dany mystically gives birth to The Incest That Was Promised. The baby is part dragon, part direwolf, and 100% perfect in every way with no nuance. He is The Prince That Was Promised, and he has three heads. Because he’s super inbred.

When the White Walkers come to collect what they Were Promised, the baby wargs into all of the WWs at once and makes them stab themselves with dragonglass or milk of the poppy or whatever the fuck David & Dan claim kills White Walkers these days. Then he pulls off his face to reveal that he’s Bran, who is actually Arya, because *SURPRISE* Arya killed Bran for Plot Reasons. The Others were created because Flashback and Rhaegar and Lyanna fell in love due to Sloppy Loose End. Everyone says a bunch of stupid shit and the fans are bummed. The credits roll and… WAIT THERE’S AN EPILOGUE. YES. FINALLY SOME ANSWERS!

*The camera zooms in on Jorah. He has obviously traveled a long way. He’s smiling at something in front of him. The camera pans out to reveal an old, broken water fountain. It has not worked in years. It is wearing a blond wig. “Dracarys,” Jorah whispers, and the fountain springs to life. Jorah breathes in deep. He takes a sip. He sips for what feels like years, then takes a step back. Wipes his mouth. Smiles. His thirst has finally been quenched.*

Sean: Jon’s gettin a dragon of his own to ride, obvs. (I’m talking about the literal dragons, you pervs, not Daenerys. Get your minds out of the gutter. That’s his aunt, have some respect.)

If Tormund survives, I want him and Jaime to meet and discuss Brienne, largely due to an interview between Jaime and Brienne’s actors where Nickolaj Coster-Waldau said Jaime would be “disappointed” about their pairing. I don’t ship Jaime and Brienne but I kinda love them as a tragically unresolved whatever-they-are. Unromantic more-than-friends? Significant living-moral-compass? Platonic soulmates?

Also, Jon is clearly gonna get a flaming sword at some point in the final season. (And by that I mean herpes, because Daario was gross.) (Haha nah but seriously he’s Aegon Azor Ahai Skywalker Targaryen.) Maybe he’ll kill Dany somehow to ignite the fire sword, like in the myth? I don’t even remember if that’s in the show or just the books. But I wonder if Melisandre comes back for the big war and is involved somehow with providing Jon a flaming sword.

Brianna: I just can’t wait for Jaime to kill Cersei and for Tyrion to find out he is a Targaryen/his family members love to incest each other.


House Snark is:

Becky Jones sometimes remembers to tweet and Instagram at @beckysjones. She lives in Sweden and once hosted a GoT podcast called The Rains of Podcastamere with Sean Adams.

Brandon Meehan is still using the name Brandon IsHandsome on Facebook because he’s an idiot. His Instagram is @sirbrandonmee but his calling is Snapchat, where he’s just @brandonmeehan. He has a crush on Lauren Bailey.

Brianna Meeks goes by @peachyascanbri on instagram and twitter. She lives and writes in Atlanta, GA with her ukulele, Yoko Ono and her shih tzu, Baxter. She spends way too much time on the internet and is currently ruining her chances at home ownership by buying boozy brunch.

Lauren Bailey is @portico801 on Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat. She is deeply offended by Euron’s pleather tuxedo and still can’t believe it was covered in perforated stars. Like really. This is a very high-budget television show.

Sean Adams writes for and also does other things with words. PennLive used to do a GoT podcast called the Rains of Podcastamere and he’s still super proud of thinking up that name. (Or maybe Becky thought of it?) Aw fuck, Becky was the one that thought of it. Anyway he’s on Twitter @Sean_C_Adams.

Carol Hood drinks and she knows things. She’s @carolhenny on the Twitter.