The Ridiculous Plight of the Seven

#PettyIsComing to Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 5 “Eastwatch”. We wish you good fortune in the wars to come.

*****SPOILERS OBVIOUSLY. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND WATCH IF YOU DON’T WANNA BE MAD*******

COMING THIS WINTER: Some Dudes In The Snow With Weapons (404 Error: Big Woman not found) (Image via io9 comment section)

Season 7, Episode 5: Eastwatch

The Reach

This episode picks up where we left off last time, with Bronn coming up for air after saving would-be Dragonslayer Jaime. Jaime spouts some “OMG I HAD IT BRONN” nonsense and thus completely and totally severed the love I (Carol) once held for him, as he went from being a shiny sparkly badass knight to Cersei’s thot in shining armor. (Don’t worry though, Sean still loves him enough for all of us.) On the other hand, Cersei’s destruction of the once mighty Jaime Lannister has made me like her more and more, and I’m quite sure that says something about my attitude towards men, but whatever. #misandry (not to be confused with #missandei but not too far off from #melisandre, I guess) (shruggie)

Bronn side eyed him and was like “Listen, I do want to get paid but also you are the worst and you’re gonna get us all killed and bitch do you see what she did with ONE dragon? I will not be around when she unleashes 3 dragons on King’s Landing lmao nope.”

Tyrion surveys the carnage as Daenerys gives the Douche Tarly/Lannister army a choice: “I mean, you can bend the knee if you like or…” And the entire Tarly house chose to be burned by Drogon rather than bend the knee because for white men, the only thing worse than serving an evil queen is serving a queen who likes Black people, or, in this universe, the Dothraki. Tyrion is horrified by all this because like all people in Westeros, he’s fine with seeing people get cut the fuck up with swords and shit, but being set ablaze by a dragon violates some unspoken rule of decency while dying or some shit.

Also, Dany — can I call you Dany? — maybe don’t use “burn people alive” as your entire platform? Our early polling shows that it doesn’t go over well with your target demographic, Humans ages 0-Death. More on that later.

King’s Landing

Back at King’s Landing, Jaime is still shook AF from his dragon encounter, and the surprises keep coming for him. Cersei W. Bush, though, just says they can use the Iron Bank’s backing to buy more people to have killed by Dany’s dragons. (Well, dragon. She has one dragon and two peripheral dragons.)

Later, Bronn leads Jaime underground to where they shoot priceless artifacts (dragon skulls) with big stupid weapons (ballistas) from close range (no more than ten feet) to what Jaime thinks is a training lesson because his one-handed ass couldn’t do much fighting the week before. Instead, Tyrion walks in looking mostly at the ground because he knows he’s been a Very Bad Dog for killing their dad and he and Jaime have an awkward conversation.

DEADASS THE LOOK ON JAMIE’S FACE WHEN HE REALIZED BRONN HAD TRICKED HIM INTO MEETING WITH TYRION. (Image via Google)

Meanwhile, pregnant Cersei W. Bush refuses to ever be shook. She stares through Jaime’s body with soulless eyes, telling him they’ll beat Dany because if they don’t beat her, the terrorists will win. Jaime is happy to be an Uncle-Dad again. They share a romantic kiss and I’m about 88% sure this is going to end in murder suicide before we ever see the baby get borned.

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me can’t get fooled again.” (image via HBO screencap with artwork added by Brandon)

Davos is on his own secret mission to find Gendry, Robert Baratheon’s bastard whom Davos set free in a rowboat in season three. Gendry is still doing his thing making swords and armor, just for the Lannisters now, and he hates it. After making a very on-the-nose rowing joke, Davos tells him he wants him to come with him and Gendry is like “Fine” and grabs his shit, ready to peace out before Davos can finish speaking. Also, he grabs his Warhammer (the same weapon his father famously used in battle) and later uses it on two jamoke City Watchmen who maybe recognize Tyrion while Davos distracts them with sex crabs (no, not that kind). The Onion Knight onions, hard. The end.

Dragonstone

So I (Brianna) would like to express some ALL CAPS EXCITEMENT that Drogon let Jon Snow’s Targaryen ass PET HIM ON THE FACE. DROGON KNOWS. But Dany doesn’t know, who just stares and tries to figure out what’s going on. What the fuck did she think was happening when she rolled up on Jon? Why did she come in for landing in that fashion? Then Jon Snow’s crazy ass petted the dragon and even Dany was like

Just pettin this big ass flying fire kitty why what are you doing? (image via Google, artwork added by Brandon)

But after it was all okay, she definitely lowkey creamed her pants. Since we’re here (Brianna, Carol) we need to take some Black lady appreciation time to talk about how fleek Dany’s lacefront is. Aight cool.

Anyway, Drogon the dragon definitely knows he belongs to Jon. He smell dat Rhaegar-my-daddy blood. Then he flies away and Dany asks Jon “Hey what was that shit about you taking a knife for your people” and Jon is like “Oh, Davos says all kinds of crazy stuff!” Then that white man who is all in love with Dany and lowkey old man fine comes back and they have a completely unnecessary reunion.

Varys is SHOOK. He is already over here thinking about how to betray Dany which reminds me how the lady in red told his ass that he’ll be dead soon. So let’s go ahead and check that writing on the wall. Also, didn’t Dany say “hey if I’m ever a psycho burning people alive, plz tell me before you betray me”? People around here are goddamn forgetful.

Gendry is back for some reason and he immediately clowns TF outta Jon Snow. But let’s pause and examine something: they bring a smith to a Dragonglass factory, in desperate need of anything that can defeat The Dead/Undead (you ever notice how they’re referred to both ways?), so naturally he says “I’ll come with you to die north of The Wall. It’ll be fun. You know, fun, that thing our dads used to have together?!” Then Jon is like “OKAY!” and the writers prolly high-fived each other for undermining themselves. Welcome back, Gendry!

Then they all get ready to leave and Jorah mopes his ass over to Dany because he’s going with them too for some reason and he holds Dany’s hands gingerly and then Jon busts it all up because if he doesn’t scream at somebody about the Army of the Dead every three minutes then he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

Then Dany tells Jorah “Go north, and don’t come back until you have my trap full.”

Winterfell

Arya: You sure do like being Queen in the North

Sansa:

Littlefinger:

The Citadel

The Maesters, led by Maester Slughorn, don’t want to use their Maester powers for good and warn everyone about the White Walkers. Sam tries his best to make them listen, but they blow him off and he storms out right before Maester Slughorn says he doesn’t have the heart to tell Sam that his dickhead dad and Dick(On) brother just got crisped.This was the 368th recorded instance of someone in Westeros acknowledging dragons, but not White Walkers. So, Sam decided he’s got 15,782 steps…er…shits, ummm… REASONS why to steal some scrolls and get the hell outta Dodge.

BUT WAIT. Did y’all hear Gilly also talking about how High Septon Whoever The Fuck annulled Rheagar’s marriage and married him to someone else secretly in Dorne at the same time??? She might’ve said “Ragger,” but WE KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT, GILLY. THIS MEANS JON IS NOT A STARK BASTARD OR A TARGARYEN BASTARD. HE IS A TRUE BORN TARGARYEN SON WITH A CLAIM TO THE THRONE AND DANY IS GONNA SHIT HERSELF.

Eastwatch

Tormund wants to know who Jon brought to go on this stupid mission they’re embarking on. Unfortunately for Tormund, that does not include “the big woman.” There was a lot of penis posturing, but then Jon was like YOU HAVEN’T SEENT WHAT I’VE SEENT and that line has literally been working on the masses since season three, so they all decide to go together.

Which one is Dumbledore (image via io9 comment section)

House Snark Awards

This week’s House Snark awards go to…

Bran Snark Award for Bore: Beric Dondarrion.

Blah blah blah, Lord of Light, who fucking cares, bro? We never remember who you are until Sandor is like “brother stfu.” Go light your sword on fire and DO SOMETHING.

Sansa Snark Award for Sass: Samwell Tarly.

Sam snarked at the Maesters like fuck while trying to get them to assert what power they have to help the realm. He also got snarky (though a bit too screamy) at Gilly while she was giving us some useful, but mostly inconsequential information.

Arya Snark Award for Savagery: Ser Davos Seaworth.

Tyrion: Last time I was here, I killed my father.

Davos: Last time I was here, you killed my son.

Me:

Ned Snark Award for Gone but Not Forgotten: DickOn Tarly.

Look, his dad got burnt too, but who gives a shit about that dickhead. DickOn, you made us laugh with your penis name and the penis-like shape of your head and neck. You told us all how smelly it is when dudes die. You were a real one. BYYYYEEEE!

Jorah Mormont Award for Thirst: Jorah Mormont.

Will this fucking dude please just die already thank you goodbye

Honorable Mentions:

Davos is the Uncle Denzel of Westeros.

This Week in Emoji:

🐲🔥👑🤔😒🦀♿📚📜🏇👶☃️

Hot Pies!

Each week, we’ll rate the episode on the Hot Pie Scale, wherein we will assign a rating based on a number of Hot Pies it deserves out of a possible five.

Brandon: 🍰🍰🍰

This episode shined in its character moments, which is a nice thing to see when the pacing of the story itself is so strange and haphazardly thrown together. The looks on Tyrion’s and Jaime’s faces, for example, or in the interaction between Cersei and Jaime, were brilliantly done. The plot points? Eh, not so much.

Someone Else’s Pie They Couldn’t Finish So I Took The Last Few Bites For Them.

Lauren: 🍰🍰🍰🍰

Soooo… I liked this one. There were some subtle character moments (Jon petting his son I mean Drogon, Sansa showing that she’s learned what it truly means to be a leader) and that’s the kind of thing I’ve always loved about this show. With the obvious exception of last week’s episode, I thought it was the best episode of the season so far. But that’s not saying much, and damn is this Band of Misfit Brothers thing Corny.

Sometimes You Get A Plastic-Wrapped Apple Pie From McDonald’s And It Just Hits The Spot, Okay?

Becky: 🍰🍰🍰

Some really cool developments. Needs more murder. I really missed Gendry, you guys. A Pie I Never Really Loved But Hadn’t Had In A While So It Was Nice.

Sean: 🍰🍰🍰

Okay gang, everyone reading this was right, and I was wrong — I absolutely never thought we’d see Gendry again. The show can get away with being a lot more tidy than the books. Gendry also being a super-bad Hammer Bro is also a little convenient, but again, put him in a gang with Jon, Jorah and the Hound and send them to fight ice zombies, and it turns out I’m willing to forgive a lot. However, I will NOT be forgiving if Arya is out-sneaked by Littlefinger. This had better be part of her plan or some shit. I don’t care how Machiavellian you are, getting the drop on a face-swapping ninja by HIDING AROUND A DAMN CORNER is some fresh bullshit. This Isn’t The Pie I Wanted But I’ll Just Scrape The Coconut Off The Top Of It It’s Fine.

Brianna: 🍰🍰🍰

All of our favs are suddenly leaving where they are and/or coming together. We’ve got lots of favs at The Wall, we got others at King’s Landing, and still others at Dragstone and Winterfell, respectively. This episode was a good follow up to the massive fire that was last week. It was solid. I’m Not Really In The Mood For Pie But If You’re Cutting A Piece, I’ll Have One.

Carol: 🍰🍰🍰

Predictions and Observations:

Brandon: The next episode looks like it’s gonna focus on this ragtag group trying to wrassle them a wight for some dumb fucking reason. The action looks like it’s gonna be dope though, so let me predict this, which I don’t want to but feel I’ll have to: Tormund will be the one to die. Jon obviously won’t, Gendry just returned, The Hound just got his redemption arc, Beric is already dead, and Jorah just returned, to no one’s pleasure and everyone’s disappointment. If it’s not Thoros of Myr who bites it, I think it’ll be Everyone’s Favorite Free Man.

Observation: Jaime is last seen sinking without his hand as episode four ends, but when Bronn pulls him out of the oceanlake in improbable fashion, his golden hand is back on and secure. How’s that now? Also, later, Tyrion announces he’s hatched a plan to meet with Jaime to convince him of the Army of the Dead because maybe Jaime will listen to him, but being that Jaime and Bronn resurfaced on the other side of that lakeocean, and no one ever mentions either of them after seeing them both nearly be consumed by dragonfire, it’s more than a little odd that Tyrion says he’s going to meet with Jaime when he shouldn’t have any reason to believe there’s still a Jaime to meet with.

Lauren: So, confession: I read the leaks. I always do. I can’t handle suspense, and it’s not like I can count on the books to answer my questions *shruggie*

It’s an interesting thing, reading the leaks. Don’t worry, I won’t spoil!! But I will say that reading a summary of the entire season is SO different from seeing it unfold onscreen. I’ve been waiting for Gilly to come across “Ragger” in her readings for five weeks. FIVE. WEEKS. And it was just as wonderful as I thought it would be, but like, come on, would Sam really not guess that she meant Rhaegar Targaryen? And further, if she can sound out Rhaegar, SURELY she can sound out the other, WAY SIMPLER name that was SURELY there — Elia? And, since this is the fucking heir to the throne we’re talking about, SURELY there would be a bit more information, like the illegitimatization (that’s not a word lol) of Ragger’s children Rayness and EggOn? No? COME ON GEORGE — I MEAN GILLY — HAND OVER THAT BOOK!

Anyway, SEEING things as opposed to just knowing they’ll happen is so different, and it’s why I’ve never cared about #spoilers. In fact, I welcome them. Jon and Drogon?! Be still my heart.

But, yeah, in conclusion, I’m not allowed to make predictions. 😇

Becky: At this point all I want is for Jorah to die and I’ll be cool with this season tbh.

Sean: Who’s gonna bite it beyond the wall? At least one named character, I’m guessing, in addition to however many redshirts went with them (unclear on that). I hope Tormund lives, but I think it’s very likely Beric and Thoros bite it. Thoros is surely out of usefulness at this point, and we need to get rid of Beric so that either Dany or Jon can be the REAL Azor Ahai/The Prince Who Was Promised.

I also think Jorah might die, though possibly not this soon after healing from S’mores Syndrome. But believe this, fam: when he DOES die, he will tell Jon, “Take care of Daenerys for me,” as if he can bequeath his claim of loving her to Jon. Because he’s a goddamn creep, that’s why.

Is Cersei Really Pregnant, And If So, Is the Baby Really Jaime’s? Probably, and possibly. I’m holding out hope that Jaime finally realizes that Cersei was unfaithful to him (it’s a major break in their relationship in the books) but regardless, there’s no way in hell that baby survives until birth. At some point, she’ll do something Jaime just can’t forgive.

I’m a little over the Winterfell feuding family thing. After all the shit they’ve been through, alone, I really don’t think siblings — even ones as different as Sansa and Arya — would be at each other’s throats so easily. So I’m REALLY hoping that this is finally Littlefinger’s end, and that Sansa and Arya are playing him like a fiddle. Please, old gods and new, hear my prayer. I’ve been good, give me this.

Brianna: I am not super good at predicting because I am enjoying the journey rather than the destination, but I think either Drogon or one of the peripheral dragons will be called to Jon to help beyond the wall. And then maybe he will be proven to also be Unburnt ™ like Dany. Also I have long maintained that Jaime will kill Cersei, but now I especially think it’ll be even more Shakespearean tragic that he will have to do so cause she’s (allegedly) pregnant by him again. Prophecy said you’d have three kids, bih.

Carol:

Where They At?

Last week, Sean Snow adeptly summarized the Valyrian steel weapons we know about. Let’s expand on that and more, here.

Weaponry!

Dragonglass

What is it? Also known as obsidian, dragonglass is some mineral type shit that comes from volcanoes IRL and the books, and maybe in the show. It’s possible that it was once part of the process used to make Valyrian steel, which also probably involved dragonfire, but the point is that it’s goddamn sharp ass rocks that have some kinda fire juju going for ‘em.

Where is it? Well, the island of Dragonstone obviously sits on a giant ass mine’s worth of it. The only other instances we’ve seen of it in the show have been a little satchel of it that Sam initially found at The Fist of the First Men that Jon brought with him to Hardhome. That sack burned in the hut that caught fire.

Why is it important? It can be used to kill White Walkers, but also, according to a line of dialogue from Jon in episode two of this season, wights. Wights are otherwise only able to be defeated with fire (any kind of fire, not just dragonfire). Regular weapons can fuck them up to the point of rendering them useless if their limbs are cut off, but the best defense against them is fire of any kind, or dragonglass.

Valyrian Steel

What is it? Valyrian steel is any kind of steel that’s been forged using dragonfire and secret, super-sexy techniques lost in Old Valyria when it exploded. This can include weaponry or armor, and they’re super durable or sharp or something. Basically way better than whatever regular stuff YOU might have.

Where is it? As Sean explained last week, we know of a handful of Valyrian weapons. Let’s go over them again!

  • Longclaw: Jon Snow’s sword given to him by Jeor Mormont. Last seen with Jon, who was ordered by Jorah’s way cooler dad, Jeor, to never lose it again. On a Scale from Sweet Margaery Staying Up Late To Listen To Your Bad Day At Work to Joffrey Talking About His Fantasy Football Team, how cunty is its name? Well, as Sean pointed out, the cuntiness can be anywhere from 30% to 80%. So, we’re looking at a range of Lysa Arryn Asking To Speak To The Manager to Robyn Arryn Badmouthing The Waiter While The Waiter Is Clearly Within Earshot.
  • Oathkeeper: Brienne’s sword bequeathed to her by Jaime after Tywon Lannisters had Ned Stark’s (RIP FOREVER) longsword, Ice, melted down and re-forged into two swords in the season four premiere. Last seen with Brienne in Winterfell. How cunty is its name? Not very! A little tacky, but not particularly cunty. I’d give it a Ser Dontos The Fool Purposely Slipping On A Banana Peel For A Cheap Laugh.
  • Widow’s Wail: Jaime’s half of the re-forged Ice that once belonged to Joffrey himself. Last seen on Jaime’s person in King’s Landing, which is important since he should have fucking lost it at the bottom of that lakeocean in The Reach, but whatever. How cunty is its name? The CUNTIEST. As cunty as it gets. On the scale, this is Joffrey Successfully Cloning Himself And Then Getting Into An Argument With His Clone About Which Hillary Clinton Conspiracy Theory Is The Most Plausible.
  • Heartsbane: Sam’s sword, originally belonging to his Cunty Dad, Randyll. Last seen definitively with Sam when he stole it and headed for the Citadel at the end of season six. There’s no reason to believe he doesn’t still have it, but we haven’t actually seen it since. How cunty is its name? Heartsbane is a bonafide cunt name given by a bonafide cunt man. This is easily the second cuntiest sword on this list. I give it a Janos Slynt Hiding With Gilly While The Night’s Watch Fought The Free Folk At Castle Black All Night. (Oops, that actually happened!)

That’s it for swords, but ALSO Arya now has the catspaw dagger that Littlefinger tried to slyly give Bran in last week’s episode, but, you know, chaos is a ladder. It was last seen in the most recent episode, still worn on Arya’s person.

Alright, why is Valyrian steel so important? It kills White Walkers, OBVIOUSLY. Remember in Hardhome when Jon was getting rekt by that White Walker, then he swung Longclaw and it just obliterated that icy fucker into dust?!

Characters!

Ghost: Jon’s direwolf, who we haven’t actually seen since episode three of season six, when Jon walked out of Castle Black and left his Ikea rug in the snow for Dolorous Edd to wear. But Sansa of the House of #Snark points out that not everyone in Winterfell can wait around for Jon LIKE GHOST.

Robyn Arryn: Last seen in season six crawling around The Vale looking for a breast to feed on. No one cares about him though because he’s shitty.

Kinvara: Red Priestess who appeared in Mereen last season to tell Tyrion some shit while Dany was away with the Horse Boys. Haven’t seen her since, and we probably won’t again!

Illyn Pane: This is the dude who took Ned’s head, the Lannisters’ personal executioner. He was on Arya’s list, but the actor who played him fell sick with cancer, and out of respect was written out of the script and removed from Arya’s list.

Ser Pounce: The kitty who mostly just belongs to King’s Landing (Arya was friends with him in season one and then Tommen introduced him to Margaery in season four), Ser Pounce hasn’t been seen pouncing in a while, which means he probably got called away to Hogwarts to be Minerva McGonnagall. (Book lore tho: Ser Pounce could very well be Rhaegar’s daughter (aka Jon’s big sis) (RIP) Rhaenys’s kitten, Balerion, who — MORE BOOK LORE — was named after Balerion “The Black Dread,” aka the biggest, baddest dragon of all time. Until Drogon. (Maybe. Drogon’s like five.)

Lady Stoneheart: A fucking awesome-as-hell character from the books that has been left out of the show for no good goddamn reason.

Griff: A character introduced out of nowhere in the later books who becomes suddenly kinda important, and has likewise been left off the show. Unlike Lady Stoneheart, that’s probably for the best, because it’s a real WTF moment.

Euron Greyjoy: who cares, hopefully he fell overboard and drowned.

Gendry: Whoops! Found him!

House Snark is:

Becky Jones sometimes remembers to tweet and Instagram at @beckysjones. She lives in Sweden and once hosted a GoT podcast called The Rains of Podcastamere with Sean Adams.

Brandon Meehan is still using the name Brandon IsHandsome on Facebook because he’s an idiot. His Instagram is @sirbrandonmee but his calling is Snapchat, where he’s just @brandonmeehan. He has a crush on Lauren Bailey.

Brianna Meeks goes by @peachyascanbri on instagram and twitter. She lives and writes in Atlanta, GA with her ukulele, Yoko Ono and her shih tzu, Baxter. She spends way too much time on the internet and is currently ruining her chances at home ownership by buying boozy brunch.

Lauren Bailey is @portico801 on Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat. She is deeply offended by Euron’s pleather tuxedo and still can’t believe it was covered in perforated stars. Like really. This is a very high-budget television show.

Sean Adams writes for PennLive.com and also does other things with words. PennLive used to do a GoT podcast called the Rains of Podcastamere and he’s still super proud of thinking up that name. (Or maybe Becky thought of it?) Aw fuck, Becky was the one that thought of it. Anyway he’s on Twitter @Sean_C_Adams.

Carol Hood drinks and she knows things. She’s @carolhenny on the Twitter.