Today, a dose of downtroddenness given to me from a place unknown.
When depression strikes, it’s important to remember you are not alone, you play an important role in someone’s life and the your social systems, and you can always go for a walk.
After 11 hours of sleep, I couldn’t get out of bed this morning. I laid in bed nearly all day, watching Game of Thrones recaps and a second viewing of The Big Short. Typically on Mondays, I am up and out of the apartment by 9am or 930am, heading to the gym to get in an hour, before returning home to shower, lunch, then head to a productive space in the neighborhood (a cafe or library). This is the life of unemployed me for now, and I like it– aside from the tinge of my savings being depleted and needing to find a place to work sooner than later. NYC is a very expensive place to not be making money on a near daily basis.
I have had episodes in the past like the one described above, although I have never paid close attention to them. Later in the evening I went for a walk and picked up a few things at the grocery along the way. I examined what had just happened. It seemed like depression of some form. Feeling ashamed of my unproductive day and feelings of mental weakness, I didn’t try to tell anyone about it. Close friends were either calling me or sending me messages all day about the many other things in life, but I couldn’t bring myself to answer, let alone have the strength to reach out and try to express what was happening with me.
The walk helped, as did the coffee I poured myself when I got home, and the Philip Glass – Glass: Solo Piano I listened to as I decided to start this blog. I did send a message to a close friend that read simply, “some days I have depression. Today was one of those days. I couldn’t face the world. :/ Don’t think I’ve told many people about that outside of a councilor in the past, but today, I just felt the need to tell someone.” She is someone I am currently working with to try to set up some better life habits and achieve goals, such as getting back into school to finish my bachelor’s degree. It has been very productive and meaningful for me to have her as an external motivator, as I never had a disciplinarian or a responsible parental figure to help set up good frameworks of structure growing up. The friend I sent this message to is currently in Europe on business so she won’t get my message until she wakes up (I sent it about 1am her time), so I won’t get a response for a few hours, but it still felt much better to have someone to tell, whom I felt wouldn’t judge me in any harsh way. Context. She has context.
Depression is a rarely talked about subject for me, and I’m guessing for many out there. It hardly ever seems like the right, or most comfortable time, to bring up in a social setting. Also, no one wants to have friends feel sorry for them, or view them as some wounded bird of a human. However, I have to imagine it’s very important to rise and do something during these bouts and to get some thoughts out of your head and onto paper (or a screen), or better yet, to tell a safe trustworthy person.
Going for a walk, writing, and coffee seemed to help out a ton with my predicament today. How do you handle your times of downtroddenness?