On self discovery
And the constantly accompanying self doubt
We have all been to a party, or sat with a group of people, where we clearly didn’t fit in. You don’t listen to these songs at home, or you don’t share the same views/lifestyle with that group. But what if the person you don’t fit in the most with is yourself? What if you don’t fit in somewhere, but don’t know why, or where to go to escape it?
When I was 8, I promised myself to get over my fear of cockroaches by the time I am 12. When I was 18, I promised myself that I will truly know who I am by 22. Both of these promises were never met.
I thought that ‘knowing yourself’ meant just laying on your bed and answering questions about who you are, while Hotel California plays in the background. The whole thing would probably take a week, 4 hours if I really focused. Who do I want to be? A successful lawyer, and a loyal friend. What do I want from life? A good family and being happy. Done, ez pz. Back to Fifa I go.
No one told me that these questions can hit you in the middle of a walk home, in class, while buying groceries, or even while playing Fifa. No one told me that I actually had to define what “good family” and “happy” means. I most certainly didn’t know that it would affect everything I do in life. I mean, why would my answers change which concerts I go to, or who I talk to?
But above all, I missed the memo about how self discovery and self doubt go hand in hand.
I truly envy those who seem to have an idea of what they want their lives to be like. To be able to know where your end result is, even if you know that you are far from it, is such a blessing. It definitely beats feeling like you are behind in the race, but not really knowing where you are running to, let alone how to get there.
Your life becomes one long dance to a song you have never heard before. And every time you think you finally got the beat/lyrics to go along with it, the song switches. Every time the song changes, you keep praying that its one you kind of heard before, so that you can at least pretend to know what you are doing.
“One more song and I will finally get it”, you tell yourself. That one job/ relationship/academic program will be what finally ties it all together. Then you attain it, and right when you hold for applause, you realize that the song has changed yet again, and you are still missing the beat.
Sometimes you feel like your lifestyle is exactly what you want, other times you feel like a bigger phony than anyone Holden Caulfield has ever encountered. Sometimes God feels like your closest friend, other times He feels like a long-time ex you are trying to forget about. None of your decisions and realizations feel wrong or right, they just…feel.
And it is precisely that blank feeling that stresses you the most. What exactly is someone supposed to feel when they make a good decision? How do you even know that it is a good decision? Is happiness the measurement? Surely someone was happy when they decided on something that they later sincerely regretted.You want to do the right thing for your future self, but how do you know what your future self likes? 2014 Labib probably wouldn’t even recognize 2016 me.
You realize that these thoughts have been going on in your head all day since your decision, and that its now 1 am. You put Netflix on to distract yourself, and promise that you will figure out who you are tomorrow.
This piece has been saved in my drafts for months now, because every time I get to this part, I get stuck. I usually like concluding with some recommendation. A “hey, don’t worry though, I figured it out” message. I don’t. I constantly feel like I am one sneeze away from my whole life collapsing on me. I am still trying to figure out the constantly changing beat, and I am still missing it.
A close friend of mine once told about her fascination with Darwin’s first ever illustration of his evolution theory, and how he wrote ‘I think’ at the top of the page. “How can someone so revolutionary ever be unsure of how great they are”, she said.
And maybe thats it. Maybe self doubt is an integral part of moving forward. Maybe we are unfinished beings, constantly subject to changing how we think and feel.
Maybe, knowing yourself is nothing more than learning to be comfortable with the chaos and uncertainty. That its all about enjoying making up dance moves with each song. And that it is not about getting the dance moves right, but rather its about learning how to comfortably improvise your moves till the song switches.
…I think.
