Trump: “Now, Go Over There, and Fire the Shit Out of Them!”

Financial advisers were sitting nervously on one side of the large table, opposite a couple of very well-dressed administrative assistants. All White, except for one Black man and one Mexican woman. A girlish woman, in her mid-twenties, looking like she had just come out of a cat-walk, opened both doors to the conference room with a theatrical gesture and announced at the top of her lungs: Misterrrr Donald Trrrump!

Looking rather concerned and mumbling words no one could understand, he went straight to the biggest leather chair, which had previously been warmed up by an assistant. Everybody stood up. Not one said a word.

  • Okay, let’s get to it, Trump said.
  • Well, Mr. Trump, I’m really sorry to have to report some serious financial losses throughout the business, due in part to the difficult times we’re living in, also in part due to the most recent bankruptcy, and in part to the word of mouth about all those small businesses we’re not paying…
  • You mean to say all those businesses who gave us unsatisfactory products and services, don’t you?, replied Trump with a stern look.
  • Well, yes, that’s one way to put it, Mr. Trump, like, say, the painters and others who’ve been in Court for the last two years trying to get paid, and a dozen former students who want their money back from the… uh… the… uh… the Trump University. They say you fucked them.
  • Trump’s face was all red and puffy: — And it wasn’t even fun! These stupid, stupid morons. Do they really think they’re going to make millions after spending thousands? I mean, do the math. Do the math, man! Stupid, stupid people. Promise them a second bathroom, and they’ll suck on anything!
  • You can all sit down now, said Trump, before warning: I won’t stay here for two hours listening to this. I’ve got people to fire this morning! Yeah, that’s it. Put them on the street. Make them feel the pain! Anyway, I know we’re in some sort of trouble. I was even refused a $10 million loan this morning. Fuck, I wanted to give Melania some new shoes, and dresses, and you know, the whole damn thing. I’ve seen it; they’re terrific. The shoes, they’re terrific. So, in less than five words, tell me what I can do to solve this

The Chief adviser tries a joke:

  • Solving what Sir… Melania’s shoes?
  • Yeah, that’s it. Keep it up and you see THAT shoe here (lifting his right leg)? You’ll get it right through your arse, okay? Remember, nobody ever really joke. If you think I’m joking, I’m not really. So you’re not really. But hey, I’m joking… Now, tell me about a financial solution…
  • Well, yes, Sir, yes, well… How about getting rid of the plane? Or the helicopter? Maybe you can sell a couple of buildings… or a couple of holes… Problem is, you’ll have to take your name down, but maybe you can negotiate something. Or you could fire more people, especially the little people. I know you love the little people, but this could help you save a lot of money… You know, the darn studies, the healthcare, the off time, the sick time, the pregnancies…
  • Oh yeah, isn’t that terrible? Terrible. And they keep asking for more. The nerve they have! I don’t want to hear about the plane, or the helicopter. And by the way, that was way more than five words! Are you out of your mind? Me, giving up my plane? That’s my fucking name that’s flying over the head of the little people! Give me a number. Tell me how many people I’ve got to fire. And keep all those bills and requests for payment in your drawers! I don’t want to see that shit!

Suddenly, Trump stands up, looks at the ceiling for a second or two, and joyously says:

  • I’ll tell you what just happened. I just had a terrific idea. Not a terrible idea. A Te-rri-fic idea! I’ll run for president! How about that, you dirty morons? I’ll run for president! Sure, I’ll have to put some money in the game, but I will only hire the minimum number, at the minimum quality, and I won’t spend a dime in advertisement. Just my beautiful face downstairs, and the little people and the little journalists will go nuts! It will bring in millions of dollars! Just imagine the kind of publicity I’ll get from this! Just imagine the money that will flow to the various parts of my empire! Think about that! I already have good friends, great friends, everywhere. I’ll have more good, great, friends, even more everywhere!
  • But Sir, I’m afraid this could get you into a lot of complications! Just hiring campaign people… and what about your income tax… you’ll have to show it…
  • Poor bastard, you have no idea. You don’t know a thing about celebrity status, don’t you… Hey, I’ll just offer a couple of jobs to some of the contestants on the TV show. They don’t have a damn clue about what to do with their lives anyway. They’ll just follow the line… My income tax? Are you crazy? I don’t have to show a damn thing to anyone if I don’t want to! Like a fool, I’m going to show everyone that I’m broke! No, I am a star. I will be a star, and people don’t question their stars! Okay? It will be terrific! It will be the show of shows. The press, this gang of low life insects, they will eat in my hand! Or, what’s his name, you know, that ugly face who ruled over Iraqdistan…
  • You mean to say Iraq, Sir…
  • Yeah, yeah, that’s what I said, Distan…
  • Name is Hussein, Saddam Hussein.
  • Fuck! Hussein Saddam Hussein. Gee, man, where the fuck were you born?
  • No Sir. My name is John Smith.
  • I’m telling you, it’s already terrible that we have a president with a name like that. I don’t mean Smith, I mean, the “husse” thing. So, what’s his name anyway?
  • Who, Sir?
  • You don’t know much about the world, do you? I’m talking about the fucking genius who used to reign over these retards in Iradistan!
  • Saddam, Sir.
  • Yeah, that’s it. Sadman. That sad face, when he was shot. He said “It will be the mother of shows”. My run, it will be the mother of all battles! The press, they will give me free publicity! Anyway, it’s a bunch of dishonest pieces of shit.

Everyone in the room stood up: Yeah, lock them up! Lock them up!

But the one Black man in the room did not chant that, and he corrected Trump:

  • Uh… Sir, he was hanged…

Trump fell silent and looked intently at the Black man. Everybody got a bit nervous. He then offered a large smile and put his hand in his hair.

- Ah! Look at my African-American here! No, no, my friend. He was shot. A lot of people said that. A lot of people wrote that. No, no, he was shot. I’ve seen the video! He WAS shot!

  • So, listen you all. Make the arrangements right now. I’ll give you a couple of days. Make it happen. And fast. I’m going to run for president! And I’ll announce it right here in this building. The Trump building! The Trump Empire! The Trump candidate!
  • You are serious, Sir…
  • Well, of course I’m serious! But no, I’m really joking! But only half-joking. But think about it: I’m not really joking. In fact, I’m not joking at all! I will run, and it will bring in fucking lots of money! If people could vote for Palin, they can vote for Trump! For Christ’s sake, Trump at least can read some newspapers… and can name them…

Looking at the Mexican woman, Trump says:

  • OK, Gonzaloo….
  • Me, Sir? My name is Gonzales…
  • That’s not important. Gonzaloo, Gonzales, you’re all the same. I love the Latinos… You all eat the same green stuff… Funny people.
  • But Sir…
  • You see? Look at her! She’s shocked! Come on, don’t be so politically correct! Anyway it’s called SARCSCAMISM.
  • Sarcasm, sir?
  • That’s exactly what I said. Scam-ism. Hello? We didn’t clean these little ears today, didn’t we? Listen. It’s very important that you listen. I will be using a lot of scamisms when I announce my run. And one of them will be about you, about your people. Okay? It’s nothing against you personally, don’t worry.
  • That’s quite the vocabulary you have there, Sir…
  • Yeah, I know. I’m educated. I have a lot of vocalubary. But I have got to get the attention of the media all over the map. But, really, between you and me, it won’t really be sarcasism, but I’ll say it’s sarcasism after the low-life press picks on it. The point is to get the big titles in the newspapers and on teevee. That’s the way it works. I’ve got to get their attention. So I’ll put in a couple of sarcasisms about you, about your people. Okay? Okay. I don’t know yet. But I’ll have to come up with something. But don’t take it personally, Okay? It will be scamism. Although you know, between you and me and the walls here, it will only be half sarcasism…
  • So, what’s the plan, Sir?
  • The plan? There’s no fucking plan! We’ll go as it goes. We’ll take it one day at a time. We’ll take it as it comes. I’ll be running, I’ll be saying things, the low life journalists will all pick on it, and I’ll make a ton of money, and when it’s all over and the suckers will be in, and it will be over, I’ll take a vacation. And I’ll deserve it. Book that trip to the fucking Kingdom, that north part where I have a golf course. I’ll make the announcement. You’ll see, the cash will flow in. Get Melania over the phone right now, tell her she’s running for First Lady!
  • That’s funny, Sir. But First Ladies don’t run, Sir…
  • Oh, you’ll see, she WILL run. And you know what, look at her! Shit, man, look at her! You know what, she could actually get elected! Okay? Everyone. Book the damn thing. Find me a couple of spokespeople. Tell them they’ll have to practice having their face at the camera and saying something intelligent once in while. And find me a slogan! With the words America and… I don’t know… make it happen. Make it great, guys! We will be making Trump great again! I’m telling you. This will be an exciting thing for a ton of idiots who are just waiting for a chance to get out of their basement and yell at people. And personally, I wouldn’t even mind if they would throw a couple of punches! Trump will be great again! We’ll run, we’ll make a ton of money.

Turning to one assistant, Trump tells her:

  • Now, go to these little people over there and fire the shit out of them!

And that’s how Donald J. Trump became a half-joking candidate for president of the United States of America. Unfortunately, the “sarcasism” was turned on its head: the idiots he wanted to amuse actually voted him in, and he is now stuck in a role he actually never wanted, a role he never thought he would have to play. There was only one thing left for the amateur to do: make sure he would lose the election… while still making Trump great again.