Ask A Punk: Proof I’m not the Oldest Punk in the World & A Question re: Digital Romance.
Sorry for the slight posting delay. This ol’ punk was getting some serious dental work done. Before I get to today’s question I have to tell you all about something a documentary called: “YOUNG AT HEART. I know this column is NOT about movie reviews… there are already tooooooo many of those on the internet, but I have to tell you about this one.
This documentary is about a ‘chorus’ for folks 70+ years old in Northampton Massachusetts (which is, coincidentally, my “home turf,” near where I grew up & went to school) …The hook is that these great old folks sing songs by The Clash, The Ramones, Sonic Youth, James Brown & Talking Heads. They have even toured Europe with this act. The film is incredibly well-paced and put together, but more importantly the people were totally amazing. It was funny, it was sad, it was genuinely moving. I was completely pole-axed by this movie, and I was glad that the theater was dark. Is it punk rock? Hell yes it is. What could be more punk than a 92 year old woman singing “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” giving a poke in the eye to the remorseless March of Time and even the Grim Reaper himself? I’m fairly certain Joe Strummer would approve. This movie will kick your ass… When it opens in theaters (sometime soon) GO SEE IT. Trust me on this one. Here is a link to get you started: Young At Heart Chorus
Now then… on to today’s question.
DEAR AAP: My boyfriend and I don’t live together. We live in a small city cheap enough to find semi-ok apartments at a decent price while working our jobs and going to school. I’m 27 he’s 28. I’m done with school, have my psychology degree and work at a group home for adults with various emotional and mental disorders. It’s a pretty good life, low-pay of course, but rewarding and living where we do, the cost-of-living is cheap anyway. I have a good circle of friends and some interests outside of work. My boyfriend is another story… He IS hard-working and kind, not a jerk or anything. He’s ok socially when he’s with people he knows, but doesn’t handle meeting new people very well. I know this is tremendous shyness, but to strangers, it comes off as aloofness and that sort of thing. Like I said, he works a couple of jobs and is taking various classes ..so he’s intellectually curious and has his own interests even if he doesn’t have a big bunch of friends like I do. Here’s the problem though — When we’re not together he spends a lot of time at home and online with his “online friends.” Sure, I grew up online too and have the normal Myspace and Facebook and chat accounts, have met friends (and guys) online and all… but he seems to spend way too much time online, I assume chatting with people, which I assume are mostly women/girls, and it bothers me. And even though I am a psych major and working in the field, I go out of my way not to take my work home and analyze family or friends, or boyfriends, but this behavior is starting to strike me as obsessive or compulsive or almost addictive…I’m not normally jealous or stalky or anything, but I’m tempted to pose as someone else and see what he would say to the ‘fake’ me in chat. I know it’s weird to say that. I know also that “normal” is something that is judged on a sliding scale, but how normal is it to have most of your social life with people you only know digitally? — LOGGED ON
DEAR LOGGED ON:
Ok. The short answer to the last part of your question is — Yes, it is becoming increasingly ‘normal’ to have most of your social life online. Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing for society…well, we’ll just have to wait and see… but come on! You’re younger than I am… You had the internet when you were in college (and probably even High School.) It is the great equalizer… You could be the most socially maladjusted & lonely kid in your school but still manage to have a rich, and detailed social life online… Who wouldn’t prefer that? and who says it’s necessarily a BAD thing? I’m a bit old, so the vast majority of my social circle are people I met the old-fashioned way: face-to-face, but there are some people I would consider friends who I originally met online and a few that I have never met in person. Would I prefer their digital company to a nice meal with real-time friends? No, I wouldn’t …but that’s just me.
I liked the way you tried to defuse my obvious conclusion when you described yourself as not the jealous or “stalky” type.., Notice I said “tried.” The idea of posing as someone else in order to spy on him is completely jealous and stalky behavior. And worst of all, there’s no real upside for you if you DO do it, now is there? Either way you’re going to poison your relationship.
The whole: “He spends too much time online with god-knows-who doing god-knows-what” is just a modern twist on “He’s off at some bar doing god-knows-what with god-knows-who” or instead of bar insert any of the following: “spring break,” “that sales convention,” “the gym”, “that tour bus” You get the idea. You are either insecure and jealous of the people he might be chatting with or (more likely) you’re jealous of the TIME he spends online instead of with you. Would you feel better if he was golfing 4 or 5 times per week or would you just be jealous of THAT instead?
You’re also assuming way too much. How do you know that the time he spends online is in chatrooms? You just said you “assumed” it was… Which could be the same as saying you’re imagining it all… You really should clarify what “on-line” means… Is he really in some porn chat room? or is he just playing WOW for 8 hours on a Saturday night? …Is he prancing around Second Life as a naked half-man/half-platypus? or just playing Halo on XBox live?
You say he’s holding down jobs and that he is kind and a non-jerk? Then give this nice guy the right to spend his precious downtime doing something he enjoys! Your complete lack of specifics makes me think that he’s nowhere near the compulsive/addictive side of the spectrum when it comes to online behavior. Has he missed any work? Did he blow off your sister’s wedding to update his FaceBook page? If not I say: lighten up on the poor guy… Otherwise (if he’s smart) he’ll find someone else who can appreciate his finer points… and yeah, he’ll probably find her online.
