How White Supremacists Can Protect Themselves at the Next Gathering

***I usually use medium for business posts, informal studies, big ideas, etc. This is one of my rare political posts. Opinions are my own. You do not have to read. But if you do, please read to the end before judging or commenting.***

That violence broke out in Charlottesville is saddening, maddening, and downright deplorable. People have a right to free speech, and they should be able to exercise it without fear of consequences.

But, if you’re the kind of person who thinks the best way to prevent rape is to advise women what to wear and when not to travel alone, then you’ll understand that it really is up to you to prevent the violence at the rallies you organize. So here are some tips:

1. Don’t bring all those big guns. See, when you bring a gun around, it makes people think that you want to shoot someone. And when you also chant things like “Jews will not replace us” and “Let’s take our country back,” Jews and foreigners might get the impression that the “someone” is them.[1]

2. Work harder on your patriotic symbols. The swastika, for example. That was the symbol not just for an idea or a political movement or a culture, but for an entirely different land, country, and set of families. As the meme goes, you can’t be a patriotic American and a Nazi. We literally had a war over this.

And the “KKK” sounds like you are proud that your home team has an awesome starting pitcher.

3. Get some diversity. When the only folks marching with you are white males ages 18–34, it’s too easy to dismiss your chanting and fighting as white fragility in action, or male fragility, or both. Plus, including people of different backgrounds and experiences is a good check for yourself. (And if they are refusing to join you, maybe that says something.)

4. Take your victimhood in stride. You say that people hate your culture and the color of your skin. That you’ve been forgotten. Oppressed, even. That there are so many problems that the elites and the government just are not addressing.[2] I get that. I get that you want your voice to be heard. But… have you considered simply working harder?

5. Go old school. C’mon guys. You’re all about preserving our history and roots of the land and all that. But all those photos have you in polos and carrying tiki torches. I mean, I guess there couldn’t be anything whiter than that. But learn how to make a DIY torch. The fact that you don’t want to shows entitlement.

6. Go to school. I appreciate your desire to preserve our history. I really do. Another way to do this is to read it and internalize it. For example, knowing that most confederate monuments were erected decades after the civil war in order to intimidate blacks and civil rights activists, not to preserve your culture or history.

7. Celebrate your white and/or southern heritage. That said, you should go on ahead and celebrate your heritage, peacefully. Eat cornbread and black-eyed peas and sweet potato pie and southern-style grits. Go to a state fair. Use those tiki torches at a backyard barbecue. Invite others to join in with you, so they can taste, see, experience, and appreciate your culture. Maybe they will invite you to experience theirs. (Just so we’re clear, beating up people in parking garages is not a part of anyone’s culture or heritage.)

8. Park you cars far, far away. Not only will they not get wrecked if things get ugly, but you won’t be tempted to vehicular manslaughter. If you hate it when celebrities do it, you should condemn it when your own do it. Plus, if Soros can find buses, so can you.

9. Don’t be assholes. Should really go without saying.

10. Really take a moment to think long and hard about your life choices.

(Yes. Parody alert. I am not trying to condone of help white supremacy. I want these folks to think long and hard about what they are doing. Even if we can reach just one or two, it’s a start. Thank you for being thoughtful enough to read this far.)

[1] You might argue “But I have a right to bear arms! Owning and carrying a gun is my right!” True. I also assume that you have a right to your genitalia. Neither implies that it’s a good idea to wave them around in public or shove them in people’s faces.

[2] I mean, black people have been saying all these things for quite some time. But I wouldn’t be so bold as to suggest you believe them when they say it. Funny, isn’t it? How the objective truth of statements can vary simply with whether or not the person saying it looks like you.