How to keep your former wife as your best friend [frequency #1]

Because divorce does not mean the end of US.

Many see divorce as the end of the relationship between a woman and a man. Some see it as the beginning of a new life for both, but in separate ways. Pretty much no one sees it as a starting point of a new friendship and mutual help between the former husband and wife, a strengthening of their relationship in a whole new way.

“I will always be there for you.” she said. “Whenever you need help, know you can count on me.” photo courtesy of Pexels

This ain’t a love song.

If you asked some people about how many times they have fallen in love, you would get a lot of different answers, but somebody would eventually say: “I only loved once in my lifetime.” That means they have met their soulmate, the one person who matched them and despite what would come next, that love will always be the only love of their life. Beyond physical and emotional attraction, love is a matter of total connection to the other and this connection comes with the knowledge of each other.

Confidence, trust and disposition are characteristics of a healthy relationship and this can happen out of marriage too.

My wife and I were always there for one another, we helped and supported in hard times, enjoyed the good ones and tried to accomplish something together. But we had different visions of life and different goals for the future, except financial stability that was always impossible to achieve as a couple. When I met her, she already had three grown kids, so this implied a specific attitude from the two of us; a steady and regular income and also a strict check on our monthly expenses. Let alone having an advance esteem on what to save and what to spend and how.

I think this amount of responsability was one of the aspects that crashed me in the end. My wife came from a very troubled and suffered past, she had been abandoned by her first husband and her second died, the two leaving her with three kids to raise alone. She always knew the meaning of fight for survival. I was never married before and didn’t have kids, and also I had my personal dreams to make come true, but a family demands other kinds of accomplishments, so this basic divergence ended up dividing us.

Adding to this, our love just withered away. I have to admit that mine did first and hers followed; she was drawn to not wanting me anymore because I was not searching for her anymore and this led to a progressive separation. I tried to hold together our relationship in many ways, tried to start fresh and connect to her again as a woman, as my wife, but there was no spark anymore. So when we decided to part ways, it was for the good of the two of us; neither her nor I were taking steps forward in our lives, for we carried on living together, in the same house but each one with his and her own frustrations, all this generating negative vibrations between us and the kids perceived this. Our family life had been gradually destroyed. This situation led her to a deeper and deeper kind of depression, she gained weight and by looking at her, one could see she had aged ten years in a few months. As for me, not a day passed without me crying or having casual panic attacks.

“We must release our grip on each other.” she said. “This is leading nowhere, but to the end of us. If we do not let go of each other, we will die. You know I am right.”

Yes, she was. And thank God I listened to her.

Forever is a very essential time.

By the moment we split, I found my place and a job and got financial stability and the same goes for her. She works as a cook assistant in a restaurant on the beach and I visit her in between my shifts, from time to time. Since her monthly expenses are heavier due to the kids (only two, the third-the elder-being married and independent by now), I provide help when needed and she does the same for me when something goes wrong. We spend some time chatting, talking life and projects in front of a coffee or a beer and each time we meet, we exchange a big, warm hug.

“I will always be there for you.” she said. “Whenever you need help, know you can count on me.”

“The same goes for me.” I said.

After we split, I went back to writing daily, got my Medium and WordPress presence increased and engaged in courses to embark on business. I am planning my future and already started to live in it.

As for Persefone, my former wife, she is physically tired because of her job, but she took back her smile and her shape. I am so happy to see her like this. The kids grow and what I noticed even more, they are happier to see me too. They hug me and we talk a lot about school, what they like and what they are planning to do in the future.

Words save lives.

What is the secret to this peaceful situation? How could we stay fine with each other after all the problems we had during our married time? The answer to this is very simple: Persefone and I never quarrelled or shouted to each other. Not a swear word cut the air between us. We always sat and talked matters and problems, in an honest and thorough way. Sometimes the conversation grew heavy in tone and I felt very bad about what she said to me, but I knew that was the truth. I understood and realized all she wanted to say to me. We always made everything clear between us, honesty was the first element of our relationship and it is to this day.

When it came to the splitting, there was just another conversation and it happened to be the best one we had. We shed tears, of agony at first but in the end, when realization came, those tears expressed joy, the joy of having released an amazingly heavy burden from our shoulders.

I am very grateful for having met my wife and keeping her as my best friend. I hope you could face similar situations with the same open heart and mind as we did. It is hard, I admit it; it is difficult, that is a part of the game. But when you see that the right decision is also the one that brings more suffering, you will find the strength and courage to take it, because it is for the good of the persons you love. And that includes you in the first place.

If you are happy and at peace, others will be as well.

If you liked this article or found it useful, please comment freely below and leave a clap, if you please.

You can find a new #frequency every Thursday on my blog: alessandrotinchini.wordpress.com


Originally published at alessandrotinchini.wordpress.com on August 24, 2017.

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Alessandro Tinchini

Written by

Author. Scholar in Dance-therapy. I published “Day-job writers”, a guide for writers busy with demanding day-jobs. NaNoWriMo 2019 winner.

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