Editor’s Note: The title of this piece was originally “Happy New Year… You Know You Are Persian If…”

I didn’t know if I should post this, but I realized that if you knew Arash you would know what a cool dude he is, and that all that is meant in these words is his love for Persians and his wonderful humor.

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You refer to yourself as a Persian, not an Iranian.
You refer to every other Persian as a FOB.
You refuse to drive anything but a BMW or Mercedes.
You refer to a BMW as a BMV.
You think Black Cats have talent.
You only hang out in droves of 12 or more.
Your wardrobe consists of black, black, and more black.
You think your uni-brow is sexy.
You celebrate when you receive your citizenship.
You wish Waffle House had “kaleh pache” on the menu.
You rap along to Raekwon in Farsi.
You own a fake Rolex, Omega, or TAG.
Your Armani pants don’t fit you, but you wear them anyways.
You think you’re the first one to come up with Persian Mafia.
You know the Persian Mafia hand sign.
You rewind the movie Clueless to show your friends the Mafia part.
You tell people your half Italian.
You find cow tongue appetizing.
You know Ali.
Your refer to your dads friends as Amoo!
You order hot tea at Chili’s.
You take dates out to chelo kabob.
You go to persian concerts for the falloudeh.
You actually like carbonated yogurt drinks.
You always taroff about who will pay.
Your cell phone has a stupid-ass ring.
You refer to your group as Khodemuni.
You name your pet Versace.
You can get a hook-up almost anywhere you go.
Your parents say your becoming americanized anytime you get into trouble.
You know Samad is funnier than Jim Carrey.
You’re parents have been here for 20 years but they still say “I like dat von”.
You hug and kiss relatives you have never seen before in your life.
You curse at yourself in Farsi, in chivalrous self-deprecation.
You have sudden and strange cravings for “doogh”
You drink so much chayee your lips are consistently burnt.
You wear a gold “Allah” necklace or have a Quran in your house even though you are not Muslim
You have to constantly remind your American friends to take off their shoes when they enter your house.
You know all the local Persian restaurants within a 30 mile radius of your house.
You have to explain to all your friends that being Persian and Iranian are the same thing.
Your Facebook screen name is or contains an image of Yellow Cake with icing.