the PROCESS

The picture above, I saw while I was scrolling through Facebook. I realize that this could have a numerous amount of meanings. I automatically began to think of it from my own perspective. Recently, I’ve noticed that I have been experiencing an exhaustion because I’ve really haven’t found the time to rest. I went from experiencing the joys of graduating so leaving from Los Angeles back to the Bay Area for a teaching gig for the summer. I realized that I haven’t had the time to really soak in my accomplishments.

Ive noticed when it comes down to me, I get to thinking and not all of my thoughts are the best or the most positive.

I recently found out that I have been accepted into Graduate school at the school that I received my bachelors degree in English. The next step would be to get my masters in Education with hope to one day work in the school system and then become a college professor. I began to get discouraged because here I am, excited about graduate school but don’t have a definite place to stay, a job that was promised to me but not set in stone and I am trying to find my balance and trying to figure out what is the next step. I began to get discouraged. I began to think is getting my masters really for me? I have created a gofundme account to help me get to graduate school so I can’t back out now, but what is scary is the struggle, which explains the picture above.

I have a group of friends that I am drawn to and they all seem to be financially better off than me because they either have been blessed with a really good job or come from a financially well background. I began to ask myself if I wanted to struggle for the next two years knowing how hard it was for me to get through three. I’ve had nights I didn’t have food or a dime in my pocket and I became someone who always needed help. I became depressed because I began to watch my friends get blessed and they didn’t seem to serve the God I served or pray as much as I’ve prayed and I began to find some things to be unfair.

Do I have all the answers, no. I know what my next step is and I know what I have to do next and that means that I have to sacrifice and push through. I realize that the struggle is real and I am moving to a new level and in order for me to succeed I have to continue to sacrifice. If I want to not experience the struggle of the consistent cycle of being in the system, looking for the government to help my black ass, I have to sacrifice. I realize that the struggles of my family does not ha w to be own family but the fight that I fight to continue to get an education, the fight I fight to continue to teach and to write will be me and my family’s ticket out of poverty.

You have to be tired of the struggle but you have to be tired enough to sacrifice. Sacrificing your friendships, relationships, being around the familiar, just so you can get to where God wants you to be. Just so you can have what you have always desired to have.