WAS THIS REALLY WORTH IT?
“Float like a butterfly, Sting like a bee” -Muhammad Ali
One of my favorite quotes by Muhammad Ali is the famous, “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.” I believe that it is very influential to my life experiences. That is why I chose to dedicate this blog/essay “Was this Really worth it?” to Muhammad Ali.
Was it Really worth it
A school, A city, A sight unseen
I’ve only been to Disneyland and Universal Studios, it wasn’t as it seems.
Hugging my baby sister tight hoping that I could prolong the time a bit
Yeah brother this is really happening, but will it all be worth it?
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Laying in my bed on my first night away my mind playing tricks on me
I am hearing my baby sister yell my name, this is my new reality.
Trying to sleep but the roommate, “I am flossing my fucking teeth shit!”
Angry and pissed standing face to face, will it all be worth it?
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Have to move out of my current apartment and voluntarily reposes my car
Ready to move back, God said, “You asked for this, you ain’t goin far”
My best friend became my girlfriend, this was a dream come true
Distance killed it and ruined a friendship over insecurities, is this worth it?
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Wanted to meet more people not realizing the more people you know
The more drama that follow
I did what? Man I could have stayed in my room and away from this shit
Man Malik is this even worth it?
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Began to hate myself to the point that the lack of confidence allowed me to be unable to stand
Started to look at myself as angry, depressed, perverted, big, fat black man
Mind continues to pray tricks on me, my vision my mistakes will hurt it
I get on my knees and God begins to tell me, its going to be worth it
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The last year brings forth the biggest test
But as I got tested, I prayed and fasted at my best
I cut off things and people and although it felt scary for just a bit
As June 11th approaches, the tears flow down my face I guess it was worth it
Growing up in Oakland, CA I always knew that I desired more for my life. I always wanted to succeed. I would sit in my bedroom and watch numerous episodes of MTV Cribs, The Hills, Laguna Beach, and The Fab Life. Multiple times my mother would walk into my room wondering why I chose to watch these “White shows” the sad part about it was this had become my escape. These shows allowed me to escape from my reality of living in East Oakland in an apartment building where you can hear kids fighting, parents yelling at their kids or fighting in the parking lot with their spouses. I always knew that I would be greater than what I was because I knew that I wanted to be somebody and I wanted to do something with my life that would hold great value to my career and well being. From that moment on I told myself that I was going to move to Los Angeles, go to college and get a job and create a group of friends that were just like me. I can say that I did move to Los Angeles but when I moved I didn’t get my ideal of a job right away or the friends that I saw as a family right away. My experience was rather miserable, which leads me to the question, was it really worth it?
As I reflect on is this really worth it, I now begin to reflect on my journey and how the process was for me. Graduation is around the corner and I will be preparing to walk the stage with my colleagues to receive my Bachelors of Arts degree in English. When I decided to move to Los Angeles, I moved because of a song called, “In Your Eyes,” by Peter Gabriel (Glee version). In my mind I began to imagine the beautiful beach the way that I seen Los Angeles in my head. When I got there it was a completely different story. Although moving to Los Angeles for the sake of the song was not the smartest move to make but it reminded me of the dream that I always had to move to Los Angeles as a kid. I always wanted to be with the cool artsy people that I watched on MTV my whole life and to be with the people that I followed on Instagram. My mother could not understand why I would wanted to go to a school that no one has ever laid their eyes on. When I drove out to L.A. for the orientation, I was blown away and scared at the same. Blown away because I was in Los Angeles and the fact that I get to spend the next few years in such a beautiful city that I always desired to live in. I was scared because in order to have this, that means that I would have to leave my family behind. Leaving my family behind was one of the most heart breaking things I could ever do, but was it all worth it?
Going to school in Los Angeles was different from when I first visited. I actually had the opportunity to see the living and lifestyle of the people that lived around the campus. I met my good friend Luis and I remember wanting to be cool and wanted to do something so I wasn’t stuck in my bedroom all day and night, but I remember being scared when he would show me around because it was different then what I was used to. I would text my mother all the information (just in case). I realized that I was in great hands but I did not understand why someone so different from me took such great interest in me. I realized that this guy was sent to me to get me acclimated with the L.A. lifestyle. But was it worth it?