Foot- in- Mouth Disease

Signs, Symptoms and Treatments

I came across a Facebook status of an old high school friend where she told of how she’d recently approached a woman at a VIP function and told her that she looked like a much prettier version of former Olympic swimmer Susie O’Neill; only to be informed by the woman that she was, in fact, former Olympic swimmer, Susie O’Neill.

This story illustrates a classic case of Foot-in-mouth Disease; a debilitating, under diagnosed and nauseating illness (nauseating both for the sufferer and those around them). It’s suffers are left shells of their former selves, outcasts, social pariahs with nothing to comfort them but their own painful regrets. Please note that I will be using the terms disease and illness interchangeably. This is because I don’t know the difference but there probably is one, meh, semantics.

You think I’m exaggerating don’t you??? Well if you want proof just look at our beloved celebs who have fallen victim to the illness. Look at poor old(anti-Semitic) Mel Gibson, obviously so overcome by the need to fill uncomfortable silences that he blurts out the first thing in his head; unfortunately his go to conversation savers often involve personal insights regarding ‘the f#*king Jews’, his adversity to stem cell research, or whichever racial slur is on the tip of his tongue.

Or we could look at our favourite American pieman Jason Biggs and his misguided Malaysian Airlines jokes. I doubt he looks back on that decision as a wise and witty one (oh, alliteration is fun). I am in no way condoning or supporting the verbal diarrhea that spilled out of these people’s mouths; I’m merely asserting that they must, surely have been suffering from Foot-in-Mouth disease at the time.

This disease can strike down anyone at anytime and while most people will have caught at least a mild bout at some point in their lives (for example, asking someone when the babies due when they are not pregnant); there tends to be more chronic sufferers.

To determine whether you might be susceptible to Foot-in-Mouth disease please read the risks factors, symptoms and prevention and treatment sections provided below.

Risk Factors

· A previous history of Christian education and enforced church attendance which has left you with a heavy dose of catholic guilt; which despite your current heathen attitudes still sends you down a spiral of self loathing at the sight of a confessional.

· A deeply ingrained fear of offending people which increases exponentially per person present in a social situation

· A tendency, or manic urgency to avoid awkward silences; this is commonly achieved by filling them with whichever rambling story pops out of your mouth. Usually it’s a impassioned diatribe about killer whales and how their brains are the same as humans but with extra emotional bits, so they are super family oriented and more emotionally intelligent than us and we need to respect them and Sea World sucks and yes, I have watched Black Fish.

· The inability to control the tendency above, despite being fully aware that the target of this verbal assault is about to be either, excruciatingly bored, bewildered or terrified.

Symptoms… How to know you’ve caught the disease

· You think it’s a good idea to post a parody song about God’s loophole (heterosexual anal sex) to a facebook inbox group you thought would appreciate it, only to find out that it was the wrong group and half of the group members were not only strangers but also practicing Christians. For a full understanding of this misdemeanor please see link below.

· You’ve just found out your cousin has called their new baby Oliver, and you’re experiencing feelings of extreme discomfort as you recall a conversation you recently had with his pregnant wife during which you unequivocally stated that there were too many children called Oliver and everyone just needs to give it a rest for a decade or two.

· You’ve realised there is no trail off or redirection quick enough to cover up a ‘Yo mama’ joke (which itself is an indication that your brain is not functioning properly) to a friend whose mother has passed away.

Prevention and Treatment

This would be the point where a good psychology student would tell you that practicing mindfulness daily will help you with impulsivity and improve your ability to think before speaking. I am not this type of (hopefully) soon-to-be psychologist. Instead, here are some more practical everyday tactics you can use to avoid contracting Foot-in-Mouth.

· Try to avoid expressing a strong distaste for oddly spelt child names until you’re positive the pregnant person you’re talking to hasn’t already chosen the name Nayho’me (pronounced Naomi)

· Before ranting about the atrocities effected by organised religion, check that your audience are not missionaries and/or their father is not a Christian minister (this is particularly important if you have chosen to rant whilst on the Camino de Santiago (a religious pilgrimage)).

Actually here is a list of things it’s probably best NOT to rant about to anyone who is not an immediate family member or close friend.

• Religion
• Religion (in case you feel an overwhelming urge)
• Cosmetic surgery (cause you never know)
• Ethics concerning touching clients (specific to psychology but if you’re of the pro-hugs persuasion expect to find yourself feeling like an opportunistic pervert by the end of the conversation)
• Coal Seam Gas (unless you are well informed one way or the other)
• Anything you feel passionate but know nothing about
• Actual anything you feel passionate about
• Susie O’Neill’s physical appearance

If you relate to any of the risk factors mentioned above it may be for the best to avoid ALL conversation and social situations (stay in your room, disconnect the internet; you can’t offend anyone there).

Good Luck