Standup Meets Bagel
A Silicon Valley tragicomedy
One everything bagel, toasted until golden-brown, gently buttered with onion cream-cheese; it’s the most essential part of my weekday routine. It kick-starts the mental gears after a fitful sleep, and holds off the hunger until lunch.
I arrive at the eastern entrance of our office at exactly 10:12. I enter from the far side of the building and walk towards my desk, passing the micro-kitchen on the way, where I take one everything bagel from the holder in the center of the granite counter, slice it open with our specialty cutter, and drop it into the toaster. I then take exactly one cream cheese pouch from the communal fridge and place it out-of-view behind the unused hummus on the left side of the top shelf, making sure that even if there’s a surge in bagel demand, my routine will not be disturbed.
This takes exactly two minutes, leaving me with one minute to get to my team’s corner for standup at 10:15, which I usually walk into right as everyone’s getting up and forming a circle.
And then, the ticking begins. After six months of experimentation, I deeply understand every nuance, every nit, of that toaster. I know that if I turn the dial to three ticks past the “very light heat” setting and let it sit for 22 minutes, then by the time standup completes I’ll walk back to a beautiful…
