10 Conversations Parents Should Have With Adolescent Boys
Reminders for Raising Sons Surrounded by Rigid Gender Norms
Young men are often socialized to strive for an unhealthy, toxic ideal of manhood, Here are some of the conversations that parents and trusted adults can have with adolescent boys to ensure their ability to treat themselves and those around them with compassion.
1. Teach him to respect his body & mind.
In recent years, there’s been a lot of energy around challenging unrealistic expectations for women’s bodies. While this work and progress is absolutely critical, we can’t afford to forget about the unfair physical standards we set for men.
“Only tall boys are attractive.” “Hot men must be muscular.” “Boys should have 6-pack abs.” These are a few of the common assumed standards for male attractiveness in our culture . Dispel these expectations, and work to inculcate a healthy body image in your adolescent son. As parents, educate your son like you would educate your daughter. Tell them they are beautiful beyond body hair, height, weight, and beyond their outward appearance.
Talk to your son about questioning unrealistic societally ingrained beauty standards. While actively having these conversations, make sure you avoid indulging in negative self-talk about your own body and always maintain that “all bodies are beautiful.” When young men grow up seeing people of all shapes and sizes accepting their form, they will learn to be more confident in their own skin.
While physical (sex) differences refer to biological distinctions with which one is typically born (like a body part or the ability to have a child), gendered roles like “being a real man” or “a real woman” are not physical; they are concepts that society promulgates. We are not born with them, but learn them.
When young men grow up seeing men and women of all shapes and sizes accepting their form, they will learn to be more confident in their own skin. This acceptance will reflect in how they view everyone’s body, beyond gender or sex.
2. Teach him that manhood doesn’t mean invulnerable pride.
Boys are not born inherently violent or prone to anger. Research reports that when people doubt the “masculine” qualities of boys or men, it affects boys’ sense of “male honor.” What are these “masculine” qualities? As young boys go through school, college, and the outside world, they are socialized to adopt behaviours ranging from toughness and emotional detachment to violence and assault. In a scenario where any of a boy’s “masculine” qualities is questioned, boys typically respond by demonstrating what they call “male behavior” even more aggressively.
So teach your young boys that we can’t always avoid situations that trigger pain or humiliation. We can, however, try to be prepared to react. We can recognize our triggers, rehearse self-talk, and practice self-care. Associating the idea of “manhood” with honor is dangerous when it leads to toxic behaviors, and it can become central to their identity and how they interact with the world. As parents, it is time to redefine what male honor means. We need to teach boys to use peaceful strategies instead of violence, celebrate respect for different lifestyle choices, and use healthy coping mechanisms to solve conflict in their lives.
3. Tell him that manhood and vulnerability are not mutually exclusive.
When we ask for help or show vulnerability, we can sometimes feel unsafe and on edge. Boys and men also experience assault, abuse, and exploitation, but they usually stay silent. This is because through societal indoctrination they are taught that discussing their fears will make them seem “weak,” “not manly,” or “girly.” We need to teach our young boys to ask for help.
According to Tony Porter, co-founder of A Call To Men, “It’s around age 5 that boys get the message that anger is acceptable, but that they are not supposed to show other feelings, like vulnerability.”
Teach him that vulnerability is what makes us human. Asking for help is a sign of self-awareness and a willingness to grow. There is strength in exhibiting what we are feeling, and there is emotional intelligence in accepting how we feel.
Asking for help takes courage — it is important to know where our strengths lie and where they don’t, and to be honest with ourselves. So, asking for help is not something weak and shameful. Remind your sons that it is a sign of strength.
4. Give him strong models for gender equity.
Anger is a normal emotion that every human being feels at some point. It becomes a deeper problem when boys ally anger and violence, thinking that violence is an acceptable way of expressing anger. Boys usually internalize these cues from a young age, both from the role models they observe at home and school and from the media.
Teach your boys that it is important to learn to express anger safely not only for others but also for our own mental and physical wellbeing. Teach your boys alternative ways of controlling their reactions, managing negative emotions, and developing healing coping strategies.
5. Dismantle the root causes of violence against girls and women.
Model equality within the walls of your home. When parents share responsibilities, it creates a subconscious impact in the mind of the observer: in this case, your son. Talk to your boys about how you share the household chores and activities. Break down why one parent does one activity and the other parent does another. Break down the reasons based on time, availability, mutual support, and interest — beyond gender roles.
Remind your son that it’s a sign of strength to help and support the women around him. Unfortunately, feelings of weakness sometimes translate to violence aimed at young girls or women. Our relationship with how we perceive power is shifting and ever changing . Teach your boys to focus on their power within — feelings of self-worth and self-knowledge. Help them reclaim the concept of a strong man as one who does not use violence against women and girls, and rather uplifts and respects the girls and women around him.
6. Speak openly about substance use.
As parents, we’re aware that our son may at some point be tempted into trying substances due to stress, boredom, and/or peer pressure. Have sustained, open conversations with your son about healthier ways to cope with or respond to this stress, boredom, and/or peer pressure. Make sure that he knows how recreational substance use has the potential to turn into addiction.
By fostering a relationship of trust and openness with your son, if he does get into trouble with substances, he will be comfortable turning to you for help. Help your son identify when his substance use has escalated to the level of addiction and when it’s time to seek medical intervention.
7. Talk about maintaining boundaries and safety in his friendships.
It’s important for your son to have secure and supportive friendships. Sometimes, however, a friend may subject your son to peer pressure. He may feel like he has no option but to partake in a risky activity, perpetuate a harmful attitude, or conform in some way unnatural to him.
Teach your son to unapologetically call out wrong behavior — especially within his peer group. When young boys learn to assert their support for the right behaviour in both public and private spaces, it not only molds their personal character, but also shapes the narrative of the collective community — to show zero tolerance for what is wrong: disrespectful language, sexist rhetoric, harassment, bullying, etc. Teach your boys to act with care and dignity, and listen, above all, to their own individual values.
8. Show him it’s beautiful for boys to care.
Societal norms teach boys and men not to be emotional, not to be expressive about their feelings. This doesn’t mean that they don’t have feelings or that they don’t care–it simply means that often boys express their feelings differently. Stifling boys’ emotions can also mean, even if they feel a certain way, they might not express it. Challenge the gendered notions surrounding care for oneself, and care for others. Talk to your son about self-expression and how he defines it for himself.
Feminist activist Justin Baldoni says, “I want my children to know that their emotions are welcome and being in tune with their feelings is a sign of strength. To know that while the world will tell them to focus on the strength of their bodies, that their minds are stronger.”
9. Tell him real men hear “no.”
Consent is as simple as respecting another’s space. As parents, we need to make it a point to address what this means in the context of sexual conduct, regardless of how uncomfortable it may be for us.
It will take hard work to fully teach your son what consent looks like. Teach your son to respect personal space and to always be aware of and respect both verbal and non-verbal cues. Discuss both the moral and legal implications of assault. Teach him that consent cannot be convinced- — this is called coercion. It is always better to ask if somebody is comfortable rather than to act on an assumption. Teach your son that hesitation is not a window for him to try harder, rejection is not a sign for him to try again, and silence is not a “yes.”
10. Remind him — as many times as you have to.
In a world where it’s easy to forget and difficult to fight the good fight: establish reminders. Remind your sons of pain, privilege, and the lucky chances they get in between to live their lives with freedom, autonomy, and agency.
Teach him about the struggles of women, queer folks, low-income populations, people of color, disabled people, and others and remind them to be humble and respectful. Listen to him and remind him that his burdens and their pain are real and valid too. Push your boys to constantly grow, learn, and evolve.
The empathy that these your son will exhibit will be born out of acceptance and understanding of his own emotional, intuitive, physical, sensory, and humane approach to life and relationships he encounters — an approach where there is no room for mistaking empathy and sensitivity as weakness. Remember that these conversations will at times be painful, awkward, and challenging. But most of all, they will be rewarding. As parents, we must aim for a reality where we allow our sons to redefine masculinity for themselves.
The authors of this piece, Sakshi Chandra &
, work on The BoyTalk Project, a program that engages adolescent boys in conversations about gender.