Hey guys! I need a little dating advice. Here’s the deal: on Saturday, I went out with my friend Tiffany and we went to this awesome Mexican restaurant. And there was this really cute waitress who I thought might have been flirting with me — but stupidly, I didn’t ask for her number or anything. But I feel like she WAS kind of flirting? And Tiffany thought so, too. So right now, as I’m writing this, I’m trying to figure out what to do. Do I go back? Do I ask her out? What do I say? Is it creepy…
I loved her, sure. But love doesn’t keep the water out of the bottom of the boat, does it?
(It ended and I moved away.)
Abiding by the unspoken contract written when you go and break someone’s heart, I was careful to not contact her. The days went on, the weeks marched by. I was so sure that I was important. That I was the love of her life. Wasn’t I? Months passed, and nothing. Once, I got a late night call from an unknown number. Convinced it was a drunk dial, I waited a full two days before calling…
There’s a craft to everything — building a shed, tying a lure, digging a hole; if you spend enough time on anything, you end up learning how to do it better. How to do it right. I’ve spent a lot of time making coffee for my Meg, and I know just how she likes it.
First of all, there are the beans. The beans are important.
When we first met, Meg had just moved to the city. She had been in the Peace Corps, and spent the last two years in the Dominican Republic teaching locals in small villages how…
Carbon Monoxide is created by the incomplete combustion of organic matter; it’s what happens when fuel is burnt in an area with restricted oxygen. Like a car engine. While not deadly to all forms of life, Carbon Monoxide poisoning can be fatal to humans. Due to the fact that it is a colorless and odorless gas, Carbon Monoxide poisoning usually sneaks up on the unsuspecting person — triggering headaches, convulsions, respiratory arrest and death before the victim is even aware that something’s wrong.
Last night was so fun!
Oleander is a beautiful flower that can be found in gardens, parks…
And what happens next is like something right out of the movies.
Do something. So this is what you do: As the bus pulls away with all of its passengers save one, you step up and pull her close, the blood from your forehead dripping onto the snow white breast of her ridiculous half ripped bird costume. Thunder cracks overhead — and incredibly, the heavens open up and it starts to rain. Okay, you say. I believe. She laughs. Your city witch. She pulls away to get a good look at you. You finally let her press some napkins…
There’s this secret about Life that nobody really wants to talk about.
Life can be great sometimes, sure: We’ve all Instagrammed a beautiful sunset here and there. And two weeks a year, we get to go on a vacation from our jobs and try to unplug and fly somewhere far away to pay a lot of money to sit on a beach and try our best to finish the last 100 pages of that newest bestseller that everyone is talking about.
But that’s not real life.
Real life is the day in, day out. The lights go on…
So I’m getting dressed to go to this party and I’m struggling to put this stupid pomade in my hair in a sad attempt to look slightly less like Guy Fieri when the light in my bathroom goes out and I still have to take a shit before I leave the house because I don’t want to go to this party with one in the chamber so I go and look in the cabinet above the fridge to get this one weird kind of lightbulb that my bathroom only takes because my apartment sucks and is old so I’m in…
After losing 90lbs and writing “How To Lose Weight in 4 Easy Steps”, I get a lot of questions about weight loss. It’s a little weird, because I’m not a nutritionist, or a personal trainer, or an expert on fitness —or an expert on anything, really. I’m a comedy writer who plays video games with Conan O’Brien on TV.
But hey, I’m always happy to help.
A question I get a lot is “How much weight is healthy to lose per week?” I get this question, on average, about 20 to 30 times a week. No joke. I really hate…
Your whole life, you’ve only ever lied to one person.
After the Love of Your Life finishes slapping you in the chest and tearing at your shirt and clawing at your face and screaming that she wishes you were dead and unceremoniously gets into her Uber screaming one last parting “ASSHOLE!” at you out of the window before pulling away, you go back inside the bar and sit down and wait for your birthday party to start.
You’ve always been enthusiastic about birthdays. This year is no different.
In 1926, J. Robert Oppenheimer — then just a student, not yet…
There’s this old knock knock joke I heard as a kid that I really love.
It goes something like this:
“There’s a boy.”
“There’s a boy, who?”
“There’s a boy who’s on a playground. He sees his classmates going down the slide, but he’s too scared to do it himself so instead he goes over to the jungle gym. On his way, he finds a penny and picks it up. He says to himself, “find a penny, pick it up, all day you’ll have good luck.” …
I’m Always Home. I’m Uncool.