5 BRUTALLY HONEST reasons you should buy a car from a dealership

Photo via raneko — Flickr

Ever buy a car? Wasn’t the process fun, convenient and downright enjoyable? Well believe it or not, there’s some people out there who think that you’re wrong. Yep, some crybabies are all sad that Michigan won’t allow them to sell direct to consumers. So before you buy the PR SPIN from Ellen Mosk, let’s take a look at the FACTS about car dealerships, and why they are as American as Trump’s ties.

  1. Going to a dealership is fun. I loved going to the dealership to purchase my car. The sterile environment of hard, white tile and drop ceilings mixed with the smell of rubber reminded of how insignificant our lives really are in the grand scheme of things. The bad coffee and dated magazines hearkened back to a simpler time, when information was not readily available and Starbucks was the plural of a Moby Dick character. The broken wifi and cheap furniture kept me humble, as if to say, “you don’t matter enough to deserve a non-polyester seat.”
  2. You don’t know what’s best for you. Face it. You simply are not smart enough to make a buying decision. There is nowhere you can go to get all the information you need, including makes, models, specs and pricing in order to make an informed decision. The dealership certainly knows what’s best for you, so it’s important to let them tell you how to spend a sizable amount of your own money. There’s just no point in being an informed customer, when a dealership will make sure you are getting the lowest price possible. And besides, where are you going to get those cool, glossy pamphlets with cool pictures and marketing jargon? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
  3. Paying for overhead is worth it. When you buy a car, you are not just paying for a car. You are paying for millions of dollars in bloated overhead, including costs for large swaths of parking lots, building costs (gotta keep the AC at 56 degrees in all dealerships, that’s a federal law), polyester chairs and soap to wash the cars three times a day. It’s just your civic duty as an American to pay extra for some pointless thing you don’t need, just like I pay for Oxygen on my cable bill and a highway expansion on I-75.
  4. The Internet is a fad. Apparently, some car companies want to sell cars on the web! Imagine that! Buying a car on the Internet is a great way to get hacked, or even worse, cyber bullied, probably. Buying things on the Internet will never, ever catch on, no matter how many times Al Gore says so. What’s next, getting a MORTGAGE online? Ha ha ha, good one.
  5. Car salespeople always make sure you get the lowest price. That’s a fact. They don’t have incentives or bonuses they’re trying to get based on the amount of cars they sell, or how many people they can up sell, so you don’t need to worry about getting ripped off. They always have your best interests in mind, no matter what.

Bonus: Without dealerships, we wouldn’t get our intelligence insulted by ads like this! Click here to lose 80% of your brain cells and an increased despair for humanity.

So, good for Michigan and the pro-business nerd for blocking one of the most innovative companies in the history of the planet from opening a store in the state that gave birth to the auto industry and potentially a factory as they try to revolutionize numerous industries. Allowing Tesla’s ludicrous direct to consumer model would do nothing but increase competition and force other companies to innovate or die. And there’s simply nothing American about that.