God’s Opinion on Trumpcare

7 min readMay 9, 2017

An exclusive interview with the Big Man Upstairs.

The election of Donald Trump has confused me. It’s confusing that the people who voted for Trump are the ones who will be hurt the most by his presidency. It’s confusing that 53% of white women were OK with voting for someone who bragged about grabbing women by their reproductive organs.

But the most confusing thing is that God let this all happen. And so I took the time to ask God some questions.

Me:

Hey God. Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to talk. I’ve just been really, really confused about Trump’s presidency. Can you help me out?

God:

Anytime son. How can I help you?

Me:

Well first of all, I’m confused about the AHCA bill aka “Trumpcare” that the House of Representatives just passed.

Here are just some of the effects of Trumpcare:

Funding for Medicaid is cut by $880 billion
Medicaid provides health care for the most vulnerable people in our society like:
a) Low-income children
b) People with mental and physical disabilities
c) Special education students
Pre-existing conditions are no longer covered (affecting 52 million Americans under the age of 65)
Thanks to Obamacare, insurance companies could no longer deny coverage and/or raise prices for people with preexisting conditions. But under Trumpcare, looks like insurance companies will be allowed to charge higher premiums for preexisting conditions such as:
a) Being raped (Therapy for women who were raped in the past will no longer be covered.)
b) PTSD
c) Being pregnant
d) Having a C-section
e) Being a victim of domestic violence
f) And many more…
Elderly people will now be charged 5x as much as younger people for health insurance. (Obamacare capped it at 3x)

In the Bible, you repeatedly talk about caring for the widows and orphans. In fact, you mention taking care of the widows at least 76 times and taking care of the orphans at least 41 times.

For example, you commanded:
Learn to do good;
Seek justice,
Reprove the ruthless,
Defend the orphan,
Plead for the widow.

Because the Bible was written before women’s rights, widows and orphans were socioeconomically the most vulnerable members of society. Once their husband/father died, widows and orphans were at the mercy of the generosity of others to live day-to-day.

Wouldn’t you consider low-income children, people with physical/mental disabilities, rape victims, and elderly people to be today’s version of widows and orphans?

God:

You need to stop reading the Bible so much.

Seriously.

Everyone has a right to change their mind from time to time. You bring up the Bible as if I’m the one who said I’m the same yesterday, today, and forever. Get over it.

Truth is, I the LORD your God no longer give a f*ck about widows, orphans, rape victims, the elderly, the disabled, the downtrodden, etc.

Recently I’ve been getting into Joel Osteen, Paula White, and other prosperity gospel preachers and I’ve decided that from now on, I will operate in the way they say I should. Meaning, everyone I love is going to become filthy rich.

Thus I, the LORD your God, shall be thy Sugar Daddy now and forevermore. Amen.

You complain about the $880 billion cut to Medicaid. And yes, these cuts will screw over low-income children, people with physical/mental disabilities, rape victims, and elderly people.

But look on the bright side. The wealthiest Americans will now receive $275 billion in tax cuts.

You see, the wealthiest Americans are already wealthy because I love them. How dare you criticize me for wanting to bless them more? They deserve to be blessed.

On the other hand, those born with preexisting conditions are cursed. Never mind that my own son Jesus claims that this is not the case, he was just joking. People with preexisting conditions should passively accept their lack of health as my will for their lives.

Me:

But God, don’t you think it’s kind of inhumane to leave 24 million people without health insurance? Just so we can give the wealthy a tax break? After all, medical bills are the biggest cause of US bankruptcies.

It’s because our system is screwed up in favor of pharmaceutical and medical device companies. For example, a hip replacement is almost 6x more expensive in the United States than in Spain. Lipitor costs 20x as much in the United States as it does in Switzerland. And the cost of an Angiogram is 30x higher in the United States than in Canada.

(An angiogram is an X-ray test that uses a special dye and camera to take pictures of the blood flow in an artery. It helps with the detection of coronary artery disease, blood clots, and aneurysm. I had no idea what it was, but I had to cherry pick it just because the “30x” looked sexy.)

The reason these pharmaceutical and medical device companies can get away with charging such high prices is because they spend $78 million a year paying off Congress members to pass laws that make the pharmaceutical companies more profitable.

For example, as aforementioned, we are not allowed to import Lipitor from Switzerland which is 20x cheaper than in the United States. In theory, it’s because the all-loving, not-at-all-driven-by-profit, morally-upstanding FDA is deeply concerned about our well-being and wants to “protect” us from harm. (Thanks FDAddy!)

Then, the Congress members who screw us over leave office and get hired to work for the very pharmaceutical companies they helped make more profitable. Like Billy Tauzin, who left Congress and took a $2 million annual salary as the CEO of a pharmaceutical lobby after voting against the importation of cheaper drugs from first world countries.

You see, God, I’m not a hater. I don’t have a problem with people getting rich at the SERVICE of others. I have a problem with people getting rich at the EXPENSE of others.

Getting rich at the service of others implies you invented something useful, wrote a beautiful song, or invested in a young entrepreneur.

These Congress members are straight up getting rich at the expense of others.

In the Bible, you explicitly criticize people who get rich at the expense of others. In fact, you speak out against it over 100 times. Since these politicians are screwing all the American consumers over while lining their own pockets, does this imply they are not doing Your will? Or does the fact that they vote against gay marriage absolve them of all sin?

And your preexisting condition comment (where you implied sick people should just accept sickness as Your will) seems to go against the Bible, too.

In the Gospels, there is a story of four friends who carry their paralyzed friend to Jesus in order to be healed. However, there was a huge crowd of people surrounding Jesus and they could not get Jesus’s attention.

Did these four friends passively say, “Oh well, I guess it’s not God’s will” and give up?

Nope.

They drilled a hole on top of the roof of where Jesus was standing and lowered their paralyzed friend through the roof.

Jesus didn’t criticize these friends. In fact, he was impressed by their faith and healed the paralyzed man on the spot.

They did not passively accept the paralysis as a preexisting condition, they made up their mind to fight against it by any means necessary.

God (angry):

STOP READING THE BIBLE!

Yes I used to believe these things. But after reading Ayn Rand and spending more time with my beloved son Paul Ryan, my mind has clearly changed.

I am no longer a defender of the poor and a comforter of the weak. From now on, I am the God of the wealthy. I am the LORD of those who deserve tax breaks, yachts, and more vacations to Europe.

You want to throw Bible verses at me? I’ve got one too.

You need to submit to authority. All those senators who voted in favor of pharmaceutical and medical device companies were put in power by My will. Stop preventing me from blessing them with more money.

Me:

But God, by that logic, Martin Luther King shouldn’t have fought for Civil Rights. He should have passively laid back and accepted the authority of the segregationists as Your will. And by that logic, the leader of North Korea must have been given authority by You too. And so people should just submit to the authority of Kim Jong-Un.