A Reminder That Other Countries Are as Fucked up as We Are

Maybe We Ain’t Exceptional, But We Sure Ain’t Worse

As you’re reading this, I want you to picture me, the author, as a bald eagle with Abraham Lincoln’s human body adorned with the Statue of Liberty’s toga and Reba McEntire’s boots. Because I’m American’ing out.

Y’all, right now we are out on the front yard fighting. Republican got fucked up on Natty Light because his foreman won’t get off his ass and Democrat ran out of Xanax and is sick and fucking tired of Republican’s jawing.

So Democrat decides to take a drive to “clear her head” and slams the screen door so hard it shook the Willie Nelson picture above the tee-vee. As she’s storming off to get in her Camero, Republican is right on her heels, saying “You better get the fuck back here when I’m talking to you!”

So there, on the front lawn with the neighbors peering out of their mini-blinds like Goddamn self-righteous pugs, we get into it. All of our fucking issues come spilling out in a drunken, pissy mess.

“You’re a dumb redneck,” Democrat says.

“You’re a naive, entitled brat,” Republican says.

Meanwhile, Green is hunkered down by a tree trying to talk to the leaves about their pain. Independent can’t be bothered cause he high as fuck.

So we’re having it out about the most personal of issues, our ecstatic screams echoing throughout the trailer park. But guess what? Everybody else is fighting, too. Our neighbors can take their embarrassment and shove it. England — a giant rain bucket that speaks a version of English without syllables — is coming at us like they didn’t just vote to cut themselves off of the EU like a flobbedy skin tag. The good people of France had to steal Kim K’s jewels because their unemployment rate is 900%. Poland just slapped every single ovary in the face with a rosary. Australia’s Prime Minister turnover rate is higher than the guy manning the ball pit at a Chuckie Cheese in Tallahassee. And that’s just to name some of the healthier political climates!

Just because we are on the front lawn doesn’t mean that other countries aren’t inside their house, gritting their teeth and spewing hatred over silent dinners. It don’t mean they don’t have a daughter with an older boyfriend who screams, “I hate you!” every other hour. It doesn’t mean a divorce isn’t imminent.

We’re America. We’re loud about our problems. But we ain’t alone.