A Yes/No Test for Narcissists: Should I Respond to This Thing?

The answer is probably no.

The author pointedly asked for responses from readers.
Yes! you should respond.

I would like to engage in a conversation with the author because this issue affects both of us.
Sure. Knock yourself out.

I can’t be sure, but when I read about this thing, I’m going to assume that the author was speaking directly to me and therefore it’s imperative that I defend myself against what I’ve perceived to be unfair accusations. After all, it’s not all ________ (men, women, christians, atheists, knitters, accountants, etc.)
No! you shouldn’t respond and also 100% of the time the author did not have you in mind while writing about his or her own experiences.

I haven’t personally had the experiences of this person because the author is unlike me in some fundamental way, but I think that they’re probably wrong.
No! You should do your best Keanu Reeves impression, specifically that scene in The Matrix where Agent Smith is interrogating Neo for the first time.

I read something so I should probably say something.
That is incorrect.

I want to just ensure that the author knows that she should kill herself.
Unnecessary! Just move forward with the reassurance that every woman writer in the world knows that people like you think this and she’s duly noted it.

I want to change an author’s mind about politics or religion, but I haven’t super read his or her opinions yet and also I’m probably just going to get really aggressive.
Bite your tongue clear off your face.

I’d like to argue about one minuscule detail in your very long essay and completely miss the point of the thing to assert the one place I think I’m better than the writer since I myself am not able to write well.
Oh goodness, honey, please fuck off so so hard, like you’ve never fucked off before.

I want to tell the author that she/he is cute/handsome.
Have you ever considered not doing that instead? Consider it now.

Though this piece is clearly humorous in nature, I did not think it was funny and would like to say as much.
Probably gonna go with DO NOT RESPOND, because there’s only one person in Mongolia who cares about what you think is funny — nope, just got word… he’s dead. :( And also he was a goat. So that confirms it. No one gives a steaming fuck.

Though this piece is clearly humorous in nature, I would like to respond as if it were as serious as the fucking Gettysburg Address.
I would like you to see a neurologist instead. Maybe a tumor has overtaken your pleasure center like some fucked up Phenomenon reboot?

I am not very informed about the topic but I have some regurgitated talking points that I’d like to throw up?
That’s called Thanksgiving. Save it for that fucking November-ass train wreck.

I would like to request that the author provide proof that his or her experiences are correct.
Nope, that’s not a thing.

I would like to request that the author provide proof of his or her thesis even though the entire essay sets out to prove it.
I’m actually not sure that you’re even able to read, son.

I’m a butthole.
Just assume no every time, then. Have you heard of a vow of silence?

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