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Career Advice For Ladies is Going To Get Our Asses Fired or Depressed

It’s insulting and it’s dumb.

I love when I read how women should act in the workplace, because WHAT? What in the total, whole, actual damnation?

Today I read a thing from Buzzfeed. Well, let’s back up. I read a conglomeration of comments from their Facebook users who wanted to give career advice to women, cause I guess that’s the world of discourse we live in. Anyways, I’ll play ball. Here’s the highlights:

  1. Change your vocabulary. Totes. People really respond to those who speak like a corporate-ese automaton who has a three-phrase toolbox.
  2. Don’t follow orders blindly. Great advice, bro. Bosses love a woman who questions their directives in my experience. Especially dude bosses.
  3. Don’t apologize for doing your job — but also apologize when you need to apologize. TL;DR Apologies are a complicated matter, but just get it right IS THAT SO HARD.
  4. Report every incident of bad treatment. HAHAHAHAHAHA You’re gonna get “laid-off” like yesterday. You’re already laid off. They created a RIF just to lay you off.
  5. Do the elbow-grease work cause people admire it but don’t let people think you’ll do elbow-grease work cause they think you’re in a support role. WTF SHOULD I DO WITH THE GREASE??

In the real world, there’s not a “right” way to be a professional and even if there is, why would you limit yourself to playing by someone else’s rules? At some point, I got the same advice that all ladies get — I was told I should straighten my hair and pull it back so that I’d be taken seriously. You know what? Ponytails/buns make my scalp hurt for reasons I’ve never fully understood and also my hair doesn’t want to be straight. It just won’t do it you guys.

Has my wavy hair gotten me a leadership position at Goldman Sachs? No it has not, and good thing too, because if I worked there I’d drive a stake into my heart by way of my vagina. Has it still allowed me a series of creative gigs where I get to write all day long? Sure has, son! Maybe I won’t be president but maybe I don’t wanna be. Unless it’s president of petting puppies. Furthermore, there’s not one type of workplace. Navigating office politics is a day-to-day trial, and all the advice in the world cannot save a person from the entanglements of it.

But beyond that, and this is really at the root of it, this advice-vomit makes it the woman’s fault for any professional failure. “Maybe if you had dropped “just” from your vocabulary and wrote every email as if you were Rasputin on a coke-binge, you would have gotten that promotion.” This morning I looked through the emails of my bosses, both men. They used softening language such as, “I think”, “What if we…”, “Could we”, “I feel like”, and curiously enough their ding dongs did not fall out of their pants by using these words. I just saw them talking and they seemed fine and still in charge of the place.

And yet, we get this shit all the time. “Ladies, maybe if you quit apologizing and just steam rolled the fuck out of everyone like Diamond from the American Gladiators people wouldn’t think that you all are cowering, pants-shitting non-leaders.” I don’t know any lady who walks around in a fugue state saying “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.” But we DO apologize if we’ve already asked for something and are asking for it yet again “Hey sorry to be a bug-a-boo…,” because otherwise we’re called bitches. YEAH we say sorry if we are interrupting a conversation “Sorry, Jim, let me jump in here,” because we are being fucking polite. And none of that is bad.

And also, saying sorry isn’t the reason. IT ISN’T THE REASON THAT WOMEN HAVE TROUBLE IN THE WORKPLACE. Our sorries aren’t the reason for institutional discrimination. Our justs aren’t the genesis of pay inequality. And we’ve been using our sophisticated interpersonal dealings since the beginning of time to improve our station from being dragged and dicked in a cave to being the Democratic nominee for President of the Goddamn United States of Fucking America. Why are we questioning it now??? So when you throw out these insulting smoke-screen “advice” nuggets, you’re really just fucking over your fellow woman. Ladies, do yourself a favor and do you. I’m behind you all the way, mama.