Jessica Really Wants You to know She Likes Spaceballs, Will Ferrell, Attention

Jessica, an adult woman who is sort of hot but not hot enough to like herself, wants you to know that she likes Spaceballs. She allegedly “laughs her ass off” when she watches it and to underscore that this is indeed the thing that she does, throws her head back and guffaws exorbitantly to demonstrate what she looks like when she watches Spaceballs.

Jessica also likes Will Ferrell and would like to misquote some lines from Anchorman right now, despite just having heard that you yourself don’t think it’s as funny a movie as she does. She would like to use these botched lines to make your funny bone a funny boner! But you know it was going to happen regardless, like the ascent and fall of every major empire. Jessica quoting Anchorman is an inevitable, immutable certainty and you cannot escape. Jessica quoting Anchorman is fated.

After her performance, Jessica would like you to know that she is not really into romantic comedies. She thinks 27 dresses should have been called 27 ISIS-es. She prefers horror movies. Or comedies! She wonders what comedies you even like. “Remember Tommy Boy?” Jessica asks, with a look of thrill on her face that makes you wonder if her life has been very happy prior to this moment. “Not so much right here ….” Jessica begins. Jessica thinks that you probably don’t remember that scene from Tommy Boy. Also you suspect it is the only scene in her arsenal.

Jessica is not really having a conversation with you. She is just telling all weirded out bystanders that unlike you, a human woman who likes dumb woman things, she is someone who enjoys laughing. She can take a joke! That’s probably why she’s been one of the guys all these years. Because she does not shy away from a good joke, especially one made by Will Ferrell or pre-controversy Adam Sandler. No siree. She says to one of the boys who she hangs out with who you’ve never seen, “Would you believe that I love Mallrats?” They don’t believe her. How could they?? All the women they’ve known prior to her really do not like Kevin Smith movies. Unless you count Jersey Girls. Idiots.

Jessica feels really great about this interaction. She feels confident that she has firmly differentiated herself from you. You aren’t one of the guys. You do not like Spaceballs. Shame on you. Your boobs are irregular and made of canadian milk bags and your vagina is the swamp that Trump drained. You are dumb.

Next up: Trevor really wants you to know he’s a sensitive guy and cried during Lion King.

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