Any Given Sunday: The 2016 Glover Park Co-ed Softball Tournament Preview
Hello friends. It appears another tournament weekend is upon us.
Frankly, doubt crept in early that we would even have a season, let alone 13 games of spirited competition at Stoddert Field. In the words of Outkast, “You can plan a pretty picnic, but you can’t predict the weather.” Rain poured mightily (and as Ian Darke might say, “With great ferocity.”), dampening our spirits, our field, and our softball Sundays for over a month.
Many, many thanks to Commissioner Ryan Foley, for his swift re-scheduling prowess and mastery of all things softball planning. Also, a big thanks to our umpiring crew (Mark and Gary) for putting in some very long days…and as always, putting up with our crazy antics.
Yes, the time has come for the poet laureate, yours truly, Commissioner Gordon, to devise yet another tournament preview. Leaning heavily on pop culture icons, the league personalities themselves, and guilty pleasure hobbies, the composition of the GPCSL Tournament Preview has been a labor of love.
Aye, “the course of true love never did run smooth.” While I have found myself having the “always ready, always there” reputation in my earlier years of commissionerness, this year took a different turn.
……
In the end, however, the league showed its grit and perseverance, and that a caring community can carry the load. After all, as I’ve often said when it comes to all of the volunteers and helping hands that touch our league, it truly takes a village. This can not ring truer today, and I thank you all for your contributions toward what is the league we love so much.
Onto the fun. No more bad 80s song references. No more dorky Game of Thrones and Pokemon allusions (Snorlax for LYFE). Most importantly, no more WWE. This time, I turn to a series of icons respected nationwide to help tell the story of the GPCSL season and tournament outlook: the quarterbacks of the National Football League.
Any Given Sunday: The Glover Park Co-ed Softball 2016 Tournament Preview
Remember when the “NFL Quarterback Club” was a thing? In the early ’90s, the gridiron was dominated by wizards of the playbook. Precision passers, improvisational playmakers, gifted craftsman, and an old surefire gunslinger or two. QB play was elite, and the bar had been raised to heights the NFL has yet to see again.
The modern QB landscape of the NFL today can be best described as…interesting. From fiery personalities to stoic professionals to “how did he get a job in the NFL?”, every franchise hinges their hopes on the guy calling the shots in the offensive huddle.
Which current NFL QB embodies the spirit of the teams of the Glover Park Co-ed Softball League? Read on and find your answer.
DISCLAIMER: To the newcomers, and for my fear of being on the receiving end of a spear tackle from that big dude on Gary’s, if you haven’t figured out, this tournament preview isn’t meant to be taken seriously. I’m just here for jokes, folks!! I love you all.
The Breakfast Club (Teams 7–10)
If your favorite GPCSL team finds themselves between the foul lines before 10AM on Saturday, welcome to the Breakfast Club. I’m just really proud of that nickname, as it’s a Gordo Original (TM). Sleeping in a little instead? “Don’t You Forget About” these guys.
#10 Larry’s Kids
Ryan Fitzpatrick
Ah, the well storied travels of a journeyman professional. Ryan Fitzpatrick has had his successes in the NFL, but unfortunately, those have come in the throws (pun intended) of a regular season. Still, he remains a respected veteran where-er he goes, and it appears his legacy has been solidified since the beginning (“Did you know he went to Harvard?”)
Enter Larry’s Kids. A storybook franchise whose figurehead is arguably the patron saint of Glover Park Co-ed Softball. Hell, he’s the Patron saint of Glover Park Co-ed Softball too. The Kids themselves have had their reputation minted since the ’80s (“Did you know Larry’s Kids is named after Larry Thomas? He’s still on the team too!”).
The Kids and Fitzpatrick are intertwined. Fun, competitive, but always with the propensity to give you a smile. Smiles don’t win the big one, but they endear you in their hearts. Also: beards.
Onto the real stuff: this team is certainly in a very big transition phase. The established vets of Larry Thomas, John Rice, and Mark Gomersall have carried more than their fair share of the load this year, and remain frisky as ever heading in to their 8am showdown Saturday morning. The curious thing: their youth. Rick Thomas and newcomers Xavier Martins and Chris Romick are bruised and battered. Still, despite the many hard-fought battles during the regular season, the team has managed to find the same bad breaks they’ve endured year after year. A very rough regular season campaign showed signs of life (and flashes of fielding brilliance from league favorites Smalls and Vorassi), but the team enters Saturday hungry for their first win of 2016 and some bagels (I’ll bring the shmear!).
Aaron Rice remains their healthiest, most reliable talent, but can the man on top of the order, and league legacy himself (Father John is still getting it done!) lead the charge in shocking the world? The promise of talent, the emergence of new leaders, and the tease of late-season glory are reminiscent of the Fitzpatrick cycle:
As for The Kids, I don’t think anyone’s buying.
Prediction: Larry in plaid Sunday morning.
#9 Gary’s Old Town Tavern
Matt Hasselbeck (and Andrew Luck)
Riddle me this: how does a team retire 3 of its stars last season, yet somehow get older?
Fresh off a heart-breaking end to their 2015 season, Gary’s had a long offseason of recovering, rebuilding, and soul-searching. Based on their regular season finish, it did not do them much good. The truth is, how do you replace such legendary talent? It seemed clear that they were on the roster (Leon, McElhaney, Zutz, Burton), but something happened.
The Colts are a franchise that placed its future in Andrew Luck, and with it, eschewed a Peyton Manning. Luck become the immediate face of a team, and saw early success. But still, the injury bug carried a mighty sting. In the early onset of his career, Jon Leon was more than a utility man, he was an everywhere man. Now, it’s been a struggle to get him on the field. His resiliency and hunger can not be denied or doubted, and that is why we’ll see another out-of-body performance from the (still) young specimen.
There’s a lot to love about the established old guy. Some people are just happy to be on the field and play at a high level — Hughes is still a strong technician, while Big Ben Peden still makes the ladies swoon with the long ball. JK, crafty and fiery as ever, certainly does not have the range he once possessed, but still is a maestro of the mound.
Gary’s Old Town Tavern now embarks on a mission as a team whose veteran moxie must now carry them to tournament success, if not survival. Still, such veterans have certainly had many a glorious moment. Much like Hasselbeck, perhaps their most memorable moments are ones they’d like to forget. Suffering mercy-rule losses in championship games leave painful scars. Almost as painful as this moment:
The long-tenured roster boast many a player that leave people saying “He’s still around? Wow!” — the wow is not so much indicative of just being on the field, but more so making a serious impact and coming through in the clutch.
There’s no denying the Gary’s spirit, but will and determination may not be able to overcome the durability and depth issues that plague this squad heading in to their 9AM date with a significantly younger Beech Bums crew. Speaking of date, we can only hope a certain gold-glove right fielder can keep a certain Beech Bums leadoff hitter that has a propensity to go the other way in check. A spirited run, a shocking victory or two, but an early exit Sunday for the guys in green.
Odds: 4th and 26
#8 The Beech Bums
Jay Cutler
Ah, the promise of talent. Young, plucky, lovers of the game.
The Beech Bums certainly have the speed, smarts, and wherewithal to build a strong tournament run. Their kryptonite? Same as old Smokin’ Jay: consistency.
You know what you’re going to get out of proven commodities in Fogarty, Brown, Walter, and elite superstar Jeff Hart. Then throw in the “effectively wild” Chris Daffner, and a new slate of impressive female talent (Karam, Rupp, Steitz), and you’ve got something special. The question is: can all of it work together to win?
Cutler has had the skillset quarterbacks and offensive coordinators dream of: a strong arm, athleticism, awareness, and a propensity to building strong receiver chemistry…but some weeks (and seasons) have left the experts scratching their heads. No QB may take more “weeks off,” while on or off the field, than Cutler.
Still, the Bums have always been winners off the field — Cutler is no different. The internet has fallen in love with his “here for the party” persona, and likewise, the GPCSL enjoy the boys and gals in baby blue. Plus, they’ve now got a dude on the team named Stro. That’s cool.
Editor note: Between the Ohio thing and the ginger thing, I really wanted to make Andy Dalton work for this one, but Smokin’ Jay is just too good.
Prediction: “Dooooooon’t caaaaaaaare”
#7 The D2s
Drew Brees
The gaudy passing statistics. The comeback story. The beyond adorable children. The strange birthmark on his face. Drew Brees is as lovable as he is an inspiration to those who have ever been told “You’re done!” or “You’ve never had it!”
An underachiever in San Diego, it appeared the team was ready to plan for an immediate life after Brees, drafting a then bona fide college talent to take over the QB’ing duties. This was the exact thing that lit a fire under Brees, igniting a monster year before falling to a frightening shoulder injury.
His fate was sealed, however — jettisoned out of San Diego, a hard luck franchise, whose city had been ravaged by recent natural disaster, turned to the underestimated talent as the hero and savior of New Orleans.
The rest, as they say, is history. A magical Super Bowl run lifted the spirits of a city, and the Bayou rejoiced. Even in the years after championship glory was achieved, the QB lit up a once power-outtaged stadium and city with his record-breaking offensive output.
And so we turn our heads to the D2s. A long-storied GPCSL franchise, the team achieved never seen heights, capturing a 2014 championship that delighted the hearts of all who bore witness. A dynamic offense, a flashy defense, and wiley veteran of a coach finally swiped the right SmarTrip card to championship glory. Plus, how can you overlook the “Mothers Row” and all of the adorable kids by the D2s dugout?
Much like Brees, it has been downhill since they took the crown, but the team continues to entertain with power threats up and down the lineup (Kellman, Bransford, Rahn, Baker), dynamite defenders (Enrico-Hunt, and of course, The Most Electrifying Player in GP Softball: Dan Moses), stoic-yet-maniacal management in the form of 17-year league favorite Nick “The Greek” Coston, and of course, girl power that makes the Spice Girls jealous (Brown, Koets, and newcomer Ryan).
How does a team rebound after its two MVPs from their championship run sit on the sidelines this tournament weekend (Dudzinski [Foot] and Reid [Domesticity])? Nick’s success (keeping a tight roster of top performers) may be his undoing, sacrificing roster depth for talent. Brees battled through seasons of uncertainty (suspended coaches, non-existent defenses) with little to show for. As for the ‘2s, will the spirit of glories past power them though the odds? Expect big performances from Kellman and Hunt, especially in light of an absent Dan Moses (you will be missed, friend), but unless lady luck and lights-out pitching from Nicky C silence the doubters, it could be a mid-day Sunday exit for the 2-crew.
As Nick Coston hangs up (or leaves on the pitching mound) his cleats, his legacy has been cemented as one of the most meaningful, valuable people to Glover Park Co-ed Softball. His witty banter, cigars, jovial nature, selflessness, and inexplicable outburst (one per year, only!) will certainly be missed. Love and thanks, Nick — you’re the Commissioner/family man/chef/exotic dancer I aspire to be.
Prediction: Wrangler. Real. Comfortable. Jeans. Especially on a hot Sunday afternoon.
The Pro-Bowlers (Teams 3–6)
You’re good, real good, but if you’re making the trip to Honolulu, it’s probably because the guy better than you decided to take the game off. Aye, that’s the luxury of being a #1 or #2 seed, but your contributions in the #3–6 field are worthy of recognition…and at least a later start time.
#6 The Justice League of America
Peyton Manning
…And so it came to pass, the stoic gunslinger, master of the playbook, and football mastermind who knew the game both inside and out for decades and decades, had his last championship glory and rode off into the sunset.
For JLA, no one is leaving anytime soon. Literally. You would need to drag bodies and body parts off the field, as it will be the only way to get the members of this team away from the game they love.
The passion and dedication remains ever present in a resurgent Robert Furst. The team itself has taken these past few tournament runs as a case study — roster depth, a strong rotation of talent, and putting said talent where they perform best looks like a great formula for success.
In light of this, the team has shown it still is human…even Ed Novak himself, who will be missed by league and team alike on the field this weekend. Various injuries, surgeries, and wear and tear have plagued this squad, but they come in to the weekend mostly fresh and sporting a convincing depth chart for a strong run.
As the curtain began to close on Peyton Manning’s Hall of Fame career, he understood that it was time to “hand the ball off” to the younger talent. The ones with the fresh legs. The ones he knew could carry him to one more shot at championship glory. Enter 2 more Contes, the speedy Rob Benedict and Rose, a resilient Peter Silva, and my new favorite GPCSL power couple, Joe and Whitney, and it seems the ball is certainly being handed off…but not before we see mainstays Tiff, Robert, Conte 1.0, and Stewie bring their all in a main event level classic against the Near Misses at 10am.
What this team will need is an X-Factor. With Ed out, an extra pitching arm and hustle player is needed to spell the ever-crafty veterans that have brought them to past glories. Enter my X-Factor pick from last year, BJ Talley. He’s slated to be here this time around, and he’ll certainly be critical to JLA’s tournament run.
While Manning’s arm became less threatening, he knew when to revert to his gunslinging ways, uncorking clutch passes when the perfect moment arrived. Don’t ever count out the big bat of reigning MVP Sara Kryder, or big play potential of Jamie Peterson.
If you asked Peyton mid-season if he would lead his team to a championship this year, he’d always say yes, but to the rest of the world it looked crazy. Crazy is a common occurrence in our world lately, and who could deny that JLA has the pedigree and wherewithal to get it done once again?
They’ve already cemented Saturday’s 10am bout with the Misses as the “can’t miss” spectacle of Saturday morning, and it will surely set the tone for the weekend of the many in attendance from the league this weekend. No Franco, no Ed, no Portnoy, no Lomardo? No problem, say the mighty squad formerly known as the lazy lawyers. Someone will step up and answer the call…but will it be enough at the right time?
Odds: (Nationwide jingle) “Not enough for final round.”
#5 The Capital Assets
Carson Palmer
The Assets. People forget this team, yet there is no GPCSL without them. The efforts of Nick Promutico and Ricky Davenport are tireless in making our league the wonderful, beautiful place it has become. Nick literally lays out the ground work for every successful tournament weekend. When you see him this weekend, give him a thanks, a hug, maybe a Diet Coke or Root Beer too.
At the same time, this team has amassed a serious amount of talent. Will Bennett remains a top-3 player in this league, sporting a threatening bat and elite glovework at SS. Newer talent in Scherf, O’Rourke, Rexrode, and the leagues biggest Man U fan Josh Montague have shored up a veteran squad that has benefited from the consistent production of Shelley, Darren, Oliveri, Kenny, and Shandra.
What happens in Arizona seems to stay in Arizona. Palmer was essentially left alone on the West Coast to re-evaluate his career and life choices, only to emerge a dominant leader in their very competitive division. As the NFL playoffs reared their head, to the shock of many, there was Palmer, sitting atop the heap, the leader people dreamed of when he was drafted oh so many years ago. Can he stay healthy? Will the team persevere despite the lack of respect?
Back to the Assets. Every year they’ve threatened to spoil someone’s tournament party, but lately the league has been more aware of it…that doesn’t mean they haven’t devised a new way to work themselves in to the championship picture. Look for another spectacular plate performance from Shelley and some stalwart pitching from Nick Promutico to complement a potentially MVP-worthy performance from Bennett.
Prediction: Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky good. This team has ruffled feathers and busted brackets in the past with their tournament performance. With a strong pitching performance from Little Nick, contributions from the young blood, and timely hitting from Shelley and Ricky, it’ll take a lot to stop this crew. I say boom or bust — final four or a very early exit.
#4 The Weekend Warriors
Kirk Cousins
…and why wouldn’t you? The Weekend Warriors have truly shown the past few years that they are a perennial contender. Sporting a dazzling shortstop and hitter in Matt Williams, the loveable long-timers (Ryan, Mitch, Gretchen, Tim, K2), and some great complementary pieces added to the puzzle, including that dude who swings the bat like a cricket bat, Ethan, and Jack, the team has worked hard to get into the #4 slot heading in to Saturday.
No one saw this climb — but the truth is, they’ve been waiting in the wings for some time now, similar to Mr. Cousins. While the hype swirled around other teams and players, the Warriors churned out gutty victories and some all-around classic battles in recent games (and tournaments!). Is this the year they make the next big leap into Final Four contention?
I like their chances, but the team will be missing a few pieces this weekend…that’s why I believe another tournament X-Factor will play big into the Warriors’ success: Randall Kempner. A QB in his own right (you should see him run an offensive drive), his Texas gunslinging ways translate well at 3B and the field. Add in some female bat action (Lacey, Hannah), especially some spirit to make up for a recovering Jenni “Pants,” and this team can piece together a winner…as long as they get the right bounces.
Expect some things we haven’t seen before from this team — stronger emotions, highlight-reel catches, and more than just Mitch (aka Leeroy Jenkins) with tenacious running on the bases. As long as the wit and wisdom of Ryan Foley (along with Gretchen) right the course and keep them from running into trouble too quickly.
Cousins met his maker when he encountered his first playoff foe…a team that, by any stretch, was better than his. Tournaments are not about winning the war on paper, and they know their bracket opponents quite well. They may not take the taco, but their games will be some of the most entertaining we’ll see all weekend.
Prediction: Better than past years…maybe.
#3 The Near Misses
Tom Brady
Talk about a change in personality. The Near Misses, since the dawn of GPCSL time, served as flagship team of the league. The founder’s crew. The fun guys. The “Ready to Play” gang. Bring out the beer and the Jack, perhaps they’ll play some softball too.
Last year, it all changed. Before you realized it, the team had spent years building a top-tier softball machine. All the guys in this lineup hit. All the gals in this lineup hit. Zak Adams has no “off” switch. Ken Vorrasi, the league’s only extravert shortstop, has a fiery energy and spirit that compliments his hustle and grit. Mix in the perennial favorites (Lynch, DeCarlo, the cat-like reflexes of Matt Foley, Shanny and Pete), and the team has shifted its focus to winning in its purest form.
This change is a hard one, and often, comes with its misunderstanding. I mean, look at Tom Brady — the young backup who was just excited to get on the football field was adored by fans across the country. Then, something happened: winning. Brady now is the target of the ire of many a professional football fan. They say he’s cocky. A jerk on the field. Unapologetic. Is it true? Don’t know the guy, but many say, regardless, he’s earned the right to be that way. And I guarantee you he doesn’t care what us peons think.
The Misses are still dedicated as ever to the overall softball cause, and are always willing to pitch in to help the league, but when it comes to game time, it’s all business. They may not be solely in the business of making friends anymore, but that doesn’t mean they’ve ignored it — they’re just working on something else: building a dynasty.
Entering this weekend on the bad end of a 3-way tie, the defending champs will certainly be ruthlessly aggressive fresh out of the gate in their matchup against JLA. All season they’ve proved that outs are hard to come by in this lineup — line-drive hitters and a very talented female cast. A base-coaching shake-up has now placed a significant amount of scoring power in the hands of 3B coach Pete Hansen (no pressure!). Plus, the Misses offspring love helping me keep score, and are much more adorable than me. Without MVP Brian Foley in the order, they still look like they haven’t lost a step, but I say a repeat championship will hinge on the play of reliable outfielder and increasingly-threatening hitter, Cat Cockerham, one of your tournament “X-Factor”s this weekend.
Odds: One play away from losing their tournament opener last year, the Misses flipped the proverbial bird to the doubters in the crowd and proceeded to run the table. They know they can’t give any room for JLA to make a surprise attack, and if they can keep the lawyers at bay, expect another strong, championship caliber run from the disciples of Crash. A final four appearance at the very least.
The MVPs (Teams 1–2)
Meet your (regular season) elite. With the top seed comes a lot of pressure, and a slew of young, scrappy, and hungry teams (WHAT UP, HAMILTON?) gunning for you.
#2 The Free Agents
Aaron Rodgers
The Agents are very, very good at softball. No matter the departures, they replace talent WITH talent, and its uncanny that they’ve played at such a high level for so long. Rodgers has seen similar times, with a carousel wheel of receivers and the like on the end of some brilliant scoring drives courtesy of #12.
Rodgers career got off to a delayed start, but it didn’t take long for him to claim his place as a Super Bowl champion, and remains among the league elite. The Agents, seen as a perennial also-ran until the turn of the decade, have too themselves declared themselves the best. Championship runs and a stockpile of MVPs (Barry, McLaughlin, Miller, Lenkin) remain on this roster.
No matter the defense, offensive line, or weather conditions, offenses run by Rodgers have shredded defenses with an almost uncanny “focused recklessness” — the Agents offense is no different. Enter the younger blood of the Brothers Harper, finally in tow for a tournament weekend, along with the tournament debuts of impressive rookies Nikki Smith and John Morris, our old pal on the mound Ranger Ken will have little to express displeasure at (but we’re sure he’ll find something…and we’ll be prepared when it happens!).
Still, players the likes of Lenkin and Ken and McLaughlin and Braun — and a refreshed Phong — have all been in pressure packed situations before, rising to the occasion with a smile on their face. Rodgers thrived under the coach he loved, and the Agents respond similarly to Megan “Artist Formerly Known as Mullen” Fortenberry at the helm.
Rodgers never gives up, whether down by 22 or up by 33. The Agents? Similar. They’ll take an extra base if they see the opportunity (Phong gonna Phong — Brad gonna Brad), because, when it comes to the season, and tournament, the professionals are always performing at their best.
Rodgers makes a better ballplayer than celebrity (awkward……), and the Agents will certainly be the buzzsaw to tear through the competition on the field. Another championship would cement both of these competitors’ legacies, so who’s going to deny them? Jake from State Farm? Methinksnot.
Prediction: Champs until proven otherwise.
#1 The 39ers
Phillip Rivers
There is no denying the desire to win, no matter the situation, injury, circumstance, or odds, in a player like Phillip Rivers. He just has nothing tangible to show for it. Hello, Niners.
Gutsy runs and legendary ascents have certain found their place in GPCSL lore, but the Niners are missing the hardware. Some say the team is cursed from a moment decades ago, before any of the current roster was on the team. Others say they just can’t find the extra gear. They keep knocking, but nobody’s home. Is this the year?
With the loss of Gabe Harris (but he’ll be back this weekend! Anybody got some couch space?), the Niners reshuffled the deck, and have brought in new candidates to the championship campaign (Mortier, Copeland). Still, the same reliable pieces remain. Like Rivers has had Gates (like, seriously, he’s still there, and still always open), the Niners still turn to Whitey, Jake, Koehler, and the Melchiors.
Is it a new regime that gets them over? The laissez-faire style of new manager-by-default Adam Kowalsky has yielded positive results and a strong team spirit, but where does the extra “ooomph” come from?
Another Rivers-esque attribute? Fertility. The Niners are a growing family, as their propensity to create future Niners has certainly increased in the coming years between all of the new families emerging. Rivers himself boasts a menagerie of children, setting an example in leadership and athleticism for the future scholar-athletes. The Niners themselves owe the next generation an opportunity to see greatness…if not just for the sake of finally shunning the doubters to never-never land.
Sigh. As much as I’d love to openly declare the 39ers your 2016 league champions, I believe in jinxes. I believe in curses. I believe in these stupid football player metaphors almost too much. However, I do believe in great hitters, slick fielders, a necessarily game-time serious pitcher, women that hit a softball very hard, men that hit a softball strategically, and players that are best used sparingly (hi!).
I believe in a lot of things, but one of them we can all agree is that I married a superior softball player who will certainly make an impact this weekend (whether on the field or keeping me from playing too much Duran Duran).
I believe in love, though, and love is what makes me proud to be a Niner. Love is what keeps me coming back as your commissioner, year after year, to bask in the glory of a wonderful weekend with the most colorful personalities this side of the Potomac. Love is love.
Prediction: Love will tear us apart. Again. But not until we make some more everlasting memories this weekend.
2016 Season Awards
The Replacements (Rookies of the Year): Chris Copeland (39ers), Whitney Cochran (JLA), Chris Romick (Kids), John Morris (Agents), Nikki Smith (Agents), Chris Rexrode (Assets), Ethan Schurkman (Warriors), Josh Finver (D2s)
The Waterboy (Comeback Player of the Year): Katie Coppins (Gary’s), Robert Furst (JLA), Dan Miller (Agents), Peter Silva (JLA), The Weather
The Longest Yard (Retirees): Nick Coston (D2s), Larry Thomas (Larry’s Kids), Sara Kryder (JLA)
Congratulations on a storied, well-celebrated GPCSL career! And remember, “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
Tournament Predictions
Super Bowl Champions: The Free Agents
Air Bud, Golden Receiver (Male MVP): Dan Miller (Agents) & Will Bennett (Assets) (coin toss!)
Necessary Roughness (Female MVP): Sara Kryder (JLA)
Little Giants (Tournament X-Factor(s)): B.J. Talley (JLA…hopefully he’s here this year!), Cat Cockerham (Misses), Randall Kempner (Warriors)
That’ll do it for me this year, folks. Until tournament Saturday — rest up, ice up, and prepare to boogie down.
Yours (from the bench),
Commissioner Gordon
