So You Wanna Be In An Open Relationship. . .

Now are you sure or do you just want to fuck people? If your case is the latter, you should be reading “So You Want An Embarrassing Story About How Your Relationship Ended”. Open relationships are more than just sex, which many vanillas find out when they make their first 4 mistakes in succession. As someone that’s been in an alt-relationship for like 10 years, I can assure you that those mistakes will happen and they can be brutal. Too many people focus on the “open” part, but not the relationship part and I’d like to help you. I am no sex educator or counselor, just a man that wishes other people would stop depending on monogamy to cultivate their relationships with their partners. Also, more open relationships means more available women, whole time.

See, personally, I don’t think monogamy is bad, but I do find it dumb. Especially being that monogamy in North America is founded on Christianity and the patriarchal relationship ideals of such. Like, two chicks raped their dad in the bible and I don’t know if you should be guiding your genitals based off of its mores. Monogamy is also used as a way for people to assert some sort moral dominance. This would be cool with me, if these people weren’t usually cheating and such in the background. If humans could successfully fight their desires all the time, then I’d be like “Aw, yeah! Look at you guys all not being attracted to other people and not secretly resenting your partner for their sexual shortcomings!” Unfortunately, it’s never like that. For one, monogamy has given distrust a platform akin to Donald Trump letting Nazis ride his toupee into the white house. Going through your partner’s phones and lording over their relationships with other people of your gender is expected now. It’s become normal to defend your relationship from intruders as if your sex life was a tower defense game. I mean, shit, why be in a relationship with someone distrust so much that you have to treat them like a prisoner of war?

Now, by no means do I think open relationships are the key to love and longevity. They do open up the floor to one of the glaring issues when it comes to monogamous relationships, which is busting nuts with others. Cheating is apparently so bad that women think it’s a good excuse for destroying someone else’s property and not going to prison for it. There can be cheating in any kind of relationship because cheating is more about breaking a rule than fucking a person. You could be cheating by starting that next episode of The Walking Dead without your partner present, although you shouldn’t bust their car windows for it.

I’d like to walk you guys through a few things you should consider before actually pursuing an open relationship with another person. Shit, you should even show it to them because I wrote this and I can charge more to freelance if a lot of people see this hoe.

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But why?

So why do you even want to be in an open relationship? You want to fuck other people, duh. It’s not like you were going to be like “So my partner can fuck other people”. Well, actually, mine started because I found out my wife had an ex-girlfriend and I was like “Ah, that’s cute. You could totally fuck with other girls if you wanted.” She responded “You can, too”, and it didn’t register for a good year that she was serious. That’s it. That’s how it started. So, in our case, we had just started dating and agreed that we’re totally okay with fucking others. Don’t know how often that happens.

Now, if you’re already in a closed relationship, what made you suddenly decide to goan and hit em with a little something of the remix? Is your relationship becoming boring? Did an ex pop up and you remembered what the mouth was like (I won’t even waste time: Don’t fucking do it. Don’t you dare.) Maybe you tired of cheating and wanna get this popping so you can bring your sidepiece up like “So, I just met this person recently just now like ten minutes ago”. Whatever it is, you need to discuss this with your partner. It’s imperative to relationships that everyone knows what the fuck is going on. Preposterous misunderstandings are humorous on Frasier, but they can ruin a really good thing and lead to feelings that aren’t easily forgotten.

When expressing why you may want to open your relationship up, it may seem hurtful to the other party, but if they can get past those feelings then you’d be off to a good start. Make sure it’s understood that this isn’t a declaration of danger, but an idea to freshen up your personal life. In some ways it can even strengthen your relationship, but that’s up to y’all to find that out.

So you okay with them fucking other people?

So this is where most discussions about open relationships are shut down and the reason cheating makes more sense to people. Open relationships always sound awesome outside of the “someone else is going to help them bust a nut” part. Like, if I mention in the vanilla world that I’m in a relationship such as mine, the first question is always “so she gets to fuck with other men?” You would think common sense would suggest that the alchemicplatitude of equivalent exchange rings true here, but alas it is a serious query.

See, niggas seem to only have a problem with a penis going in a vagina they’ve had coitus with when the woman actually wants it. It’s why male rappers’ career-spanning foray into disrespecting others is filled with lines about fucking another nigga’s woman. Once a woman is claimed by a man, she’s seen as his property. What better way to show a nigga you care little for him than to put your dick in his property? If you’re a straight man going into an open relationship, you gotta let that shit go, fam.

One of the main reasons I wrote this is because black dudes can’t really have discourse with other niggas about open relationships. All they talk about is niggas’ having bigger dicks than them. Like, dead ass, I was on twitter once watching niggas talk about how emotional they would get watching their girl get fucked at an orgy. A lot of dudes aren’t built for poly shit and if they are, other niggas will shame them. Bruh, you could be out here building with some baddies so don’t let niggas project their insecurities on you.

You should also make sure your partner is genuinely okay with the same thing. It is im-fucking-perative that no one is doing this shit to make the other happy. I have witnessed couples that ended up suffering because one of them wasn’t really with the shits. Like, listen, I grew up watching Real Sex incessantly, so I knew this was the only life for me. Some of y’all on some “this just an easy way to get threesomes” shit and not thinking this through. Which is why the next part is important.

So you okay with being jealous?

I’m not asking if you’re going to be jealous; I’m asking if you’re okay with it. By sharing your partner, you gonna certainly feel some type of way. Maybe their side piece is good at something that you secretly wanted to be good at. Maybe they’ll be gone a little too long and you’ll think “WOW THEY MUST BE HAVING HELLA FUN HAHAHA”. Maybe the person’s more attractive than you. Fact of the matter is, it’s going to happen.

What makes this type of jealousy different from “oh, this bitch cheating on me” jealousy is that it should be much easier to speak on it. Like, look, homie, this open relationship shit takes next level emotional maturity, fam. Communication is key in any relationship, but it’s super key here. To announce your jealousy, you can just say some shit like “im jealous lol” or “nah, but I’m jealous for real”. Figure something out because you don’t want to hold it in and then yell “GET THAT CHEF BITCH TO COOK FOR YOU” when he asks why you didn’t bring him any McDonald’s.

So you wanna keep it on the low?

Yes.

So you gonna set boundaries or. . .?

The foundations of any open relationship are the rules set to keep each things fair. If you do something not fair, then guess what? You cheated. Know what you expect of your partner and make sure they know that. If you feel like you don’t need boundaries, you should really think about it first.

Imagine if your significant other is laid up with you watching Angie Tribeca, right? They make a piss joke on the show and he go “hahaha. Oh, that’s right, did I tell you Melissa pissed on me? I’m into piss now.” You probably never imagined you’d have to explain to this nigga that no one should be peeing on him except for you. You’d think it’s common sense, but his brain isn’t yours. Now you gotta decide how hard this piss is going to affect your relationship.

So y’all went through your hoe phases then?

The hoe phase is a period of life after beginning sexual activity where you just outchea with the orgasms. You may hit a streak of coitus that may last anywhere from one week to several years. Some may argue that this is a made up woman-shaming device, but this is something all sex-havers go through. A majority of men’s hoe phases lasted until their 60s, but then here come viagra smh.

Think about when you first got your driver’s license. You spent so much of your life seeing other people do it and be free and happy that you can’t wait. You drive any car that you can with the excitement of driving your first time. You just can’t get enough of the rush you get from traveling at cheetah speeds at your own volition. Then one day, it’s just meh.

Sex doesn’t become “meh”, but after swapping a few dozen orgasms, you realize it’s not what teenage you made it out to be. But it’s not just about nutting; you also learn about the consequences of the sex you have. You share a specific bond with someone that can cause various emotions. As a result, you become more wary of those connections and move differently. Or you just have one night stands all the time in hopes of enduring the coveted “Infinite Hoe Phase”.

I’m not saying to just be like “yo, you fuck enough people to be smarter with your crotch yet?” I feel like y’all should already be aware of that type of shit if you at the point that y’all considering hoeing together. If either of you haven’t gone through it, then be prepared. My hoe phase was low key a doozy, but now that it’s out of my system I know I ain’t doing that no more.

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Now, I’ve gotten most of the things you should consider off of my chest. At the end of the day, please realize that this is you and your partner’s relationship. No one can tell you how to go about doing shit in your relationship except for the person you share it with. There’s shit I’m not cool with that you may not be and I’m definitely sure I’m cool with some shit y’all not. The most important part, once again, is communication. If y’all talked it over and decided that you’re ready for this journey, then godspeed. Use protection and don’t hang with strangers alone.

Oh, and if anyone has more questions, I could start a curious cat or an ask.me or whatever the whipper snappers used.