A very honest sharing — thankyou. Whilst I cannot say that life has to be a struggle, I very much relate to the rawness of what you shared, and the fact that most of us I can imagine going through similar thoughts at times, even those that are seemingly well off. I certainly have. Am I doing enough? Am I making enough money? What will happen when I get older, will I have enough saved? Should I be working at something else? Who will be my next client, where is my next job going to come from? What will happen if I stop and take a breath?
And then I have moments where I realise such thoughts often bear no true resemblance to the reality of things. That is often how anxiety works. It skews our perception of reality. I too came from a poor background and from a father who lost his job early in life, and that experience plagued me for most of my adult life, until I started to really sit back and challenge where such thoughts came from.
Sometimes I play this game where I imagine myself the day before I die, and I imagine what will truly be important to me in that moment. It is actually not an easy game to play, especially if you are caught in thoughts that consume you, but sometimes it assists to connect to that feeling of surrender and deep acceptance of yourself, and of life, that often only comes upon us near the end, and in that acceptance, there is a fundamental shift in the way you see things. You suddenly have a different perspective. The fight disappears, and as you hinted at, you resurrect your connection to the beauty of life. Seemingly mundane aspects of life start to hint at you that there is more to life than we allow ourselves to see, blinded as we are by the seeming struggle of the every day. A butterfly here, a sunset there, the rain as you so astutely pointed out. Little things hinting us to remember the magnificence many of us could so easily connect to as a child, when a cardboard box was a castle, and a tree was a world of treasures.
The greatest tragedy of struggle is that it consumes us and we lose our connection with that magic and the magnificence of simply being, lost instead in a constant battle to make something of our lives, not realising that we are already everything before we even wake to start the day, that there is beauty in simplicity, and beauty in the grace of our walk. There is beauty in our eyes, and beauty in the most mundane of tasks, should we bring our all.
Of course the world does not encourage us to bring our all. Instead, it tells us in a thousand different ways that we are not all to begin with, that we are incomplete, that we need education, we need to keep making something of ourselves in order to be able to sit back and appreciate who we are. Of course that is all an illusion, but nonetheless a very real and binding one for so many,and one that is not so easy to challenge let alone renounce.
And that is not to say we should not strive to work hard, or to make a better world for ourselves and others.That is not so much the issue, nor the answer, so much as it is our attachment to and belief that without such things we are incomplete within ourselves that is the true issue.
The fact is that there is no escape from the tension of life. The hippy generation proved that, who by moving to the hills thought to find a utopia free of the struggles of the common man, not realising that they simply took there issues with them. There is a great old movie called the Mosquito Coast, with Harrison Ford, that beautifully captured this very point.
Life in truth can only be understood and truly embraced whilst one commits to it in full, in every single way. It is through such commitment to ourselves and our own quality of being that we start to unravel the very ideals that bind us.
Thankyou once again for this most raw sharing. As it is it drew a lot more out of me than I initially thought I had to say.