This one is for you. Yes you who decided to have a damn kid.
We arrived home from a week long vacation a few days ago and as I was giving my four year old son a bath I reminded him that I had to return to work the following morning. He bluntly stated to me that “You don’t need to go to work.” And that I should stay home. I asked him “Well how will we eat?” He instantly responds with “We have enough food forever so you can stay” believing that was that. So I carefully explain to him that “in order to sustain our lives dad has to tend to his duties elsewhere sometimes. But I’ll be sure to take that suggestion into consideration.” He then responded with a semi-defeated “OK” and a sigh. I almost expected him to continue his line of questioning as he usually does until he received an answer that benefitted him in the present. But I guess I was unlucky this time.
I do admire the ability of a child to rationalize, unburdened by the responsibility of reconciling their desires with unintended consequences. Most socially acclimated children possess this amazing gift until the pressures of society slough off their naiveté one layer at a time. And this is a necessary process in most children if they are to succeed in the world. Its ultimately part of the process of learning to maneuver their social circles and find acceptance among their peers.
We live in a society that requires its most capable thinkers to actively contribute to its continued functioning — we all need a reliable source of food, a stable shelter and predictable rest cycles. For the most part, we require companionship and the vast majority of us need a relatively consistent routine to minimize anxiety. As children we shirk this necessity in favor of adventure, and wait for our parents to snap us back to reality in time for dinner. But as a person grows ever more competent by improving their motor skills and gaining some critical thinking ability through adolescence and into the teenage years, we initiate the process of reconciling our own selfish needs with the requirements of our expanding world. As we embark on the necessary journeys of independence in our early 20’s, we develop a perspective and hopefully mold some vague idea of what we would like to do with our lives (and wherein society we would like to position ourselves socially) by our 30’s. Throughout this journey, ideally, we will have unwittingly allowed our once naïve presuppositions to be pruned in favor of more applicable skills.
This is a very general blueprint to a healthy functioning adult, stripped of its nuance. I am intentionally failing to address the need to be an almost literal superhero that many single parents take on when they are forced to do what is best for their children and take on that responsibility. My hat is off to you and could not possibly begin to give you advise you on your superhuman efforts. The need, however, for TWO sufficiently conscientious parents carrying the workload together, is crucial. Children in two parent homes are four times less likely¹ to live below the poverty line which determines access to education and proximity to crime within their communities. Growing up with two parents in the same home also provides a model for conduct. Children naturally use their home experience to model their view of the external world. And that is where many parents fall short in their understanding of consequence. Your children are constantly observing you. They imitate your mannerisms, whether it leads to success in their social arena or not. It is important for you to constantly reaffirm behaviors that are ideal and of positive consequence (i.e. feats that benefit themselves or others as well as actions of independence that reinforce self reliance). When a child has the opportunity to grow in a two parent household, they have a chance.
When children are not afforded the luxury of a healthy two parent system they oftentimes develop habits that are more inclined to their immediate survival, such as placing a higher value on money than is healthy, rather than habits that allow for a more successful social life later. And a healthy social life is one of the pillars to unlocking much of the happiness we ultimately strive for. We yearn for acceptance. It is one of our most engrained traits and is a part of the human condition. Securing a place within the group affords protection from many outside threats. Because of this, social ostracization is one of the most stressful predicaments a person can endure, leading to not only mental, but physical complications, such as increased risks of dementia, heart disease and stroke² — and it tends to manifest even worse in children. Social isolation has detrimental effects on the developing brains of children. This recent SARS-Cov-2 pandemic has prompted dozens of studies on social isolation in children. They have, pretty unanimously, shown measurably higher rates of depression and anxiety³. These are real consequences with which we must contend.
The pandemic should not be the end
While Covid-19, as well as the mostly necessary public policy measures that have been enacted to slow down its spread, has been an artificial cause of social isolation, the impact of parental decisions has proven to be an even more dangerous cause as children tend to blame themselves for their inability to establish healthy social connections when opportunities present themselves. Hold yourself accountable. Stop blaming the schools. Stop blaming your government. The more you cede your parental duties to other institutions, the less agency you ultimately have in impacting your children's future.
From the moment a child is born, they are actively observing and absorbing information from their parental guardians which will have an immeasurable impact on the way they interact with society as a whole before they ever take one step out of the house on their own two feet. Society is far from perfect, and in many ways is overdue for necessary change, but we as parents, need to look in the mirror. Clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson states in rule 5 of his novel 12 Rules For Life to “not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them” and in rule 6 that you should “set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world”. Regardless of your opinion of him, these particular words should ring true at a religious depth to any parent who loves their children.
Guys and gals (as well as any non-binaries I have the pleasure of addressing), it is imperative that we pay more attention to our future leaders. Hold them accountable for ever-increasingly complicated tasks. Reward them for their achievements; delicately correct their mistakes. Love them. And in paying attention and taking their opinions seriously you will have set them up for success by arming them with the tools (the drive for knowledge and social competence) they need to more competently tackle the problems of tomorrow. I can do better, and so can you.
Thank you.
¹National Center for Education Statistics — Characteristics of Children’s Families
² Centers for Disease Control and Prevention — Loneliness and Social Isolation Linked to Serious Health Conditions
³ National Library of Medicine — Social isolation in childhood and adult inflammation: evidence from the National Child Development Study
