Taking Time for Me

Maybe it was that tarot card reader I met in Bali who told me that I wasn’t doing what I was meant to be doing. Maybe it was the healer who told me I needed to love myself more. Maybe I was inspired by all the amazing souls I’d met who left the safety of their full-time jobs to do something their heart and soul desired. Maybe it’s a midlife crisis. Maybe it’s the escapist in me. Or maybe I’ve just had enough of being anxious all the time and just needed a break. Whatever the reason, I did it. I finally made the decision to take some time for me.

Making the decision didn’t come easily. I thought no, I’m too old to do this again. No, it’s not the right time. No, I can’t be unemployed. No, I need to make money and save. No, I am escaping yet again. No, my parents will never understand (yes, I still care about what my parents think.) No, it’s stupid, crazy, and irresponsible and the list goes on. But at one point, it became very clear that this is exactly what I need to do and letting go of the self doubt and judgement is just a part of the work that was waiting for me. Who would quit a great job at this stage of her career? Who would leave their adoring family and awesome friends to worry for her but be happy for her? Who would let go of all the comforts of home and leave this beautiful city to go on a soul searching journey to South America? Who ever really does that? I fucking do!

For the folks that know me, this probably doesn’t come as a surprise. I’ve done this before. I went away on a 3 month sabbatical and didn’t come back for 7 years. When I returned to the US, it was a struggle like reverse culture shock and over the years I found myself back in the San Francisco grind. If you live in San Francisco, you know exactly what I mean. It looks something like this: I have a job in tech. I spend so much time and energy worrying about work so I often work evenings and weekends. I never want to let any one down and I take on more than I should. I pay rent on an apartment that is considered a great deal in SF, even though it easily covers the mortgage for a 4BR home anywhere else. I am constantly comparing myself to my friends who seem to be doing so much better than me in all areas of life. I feel so damn inadequate cause I haven’t started a company nor do I have any great ideas. I feel old cause I was born in the 70’s and I can karaoke to just about every awful 80’s song. I am afraid of being irrelevant and outdated. I overbook my social calendar which is just a way for me to keep busy and not be alone. I am unlucky in the dating department and toggle between blame and shame. I sleep less and less and I am sure I’m addicted to melatonin. I suffer from anxiety and I obsess about work, money, health, dating, food, friends, family, aging, the environment, etc.

This has been my life for the last 6 years and I wouldn’t give any of it back, but what I’ve realized is that I have somehow lost myself in all of this. I just got stuck doing the day to day and not really pausing to check in on me. I do less for me and do more for others or I do more so that others would see me as a better person. I care more about what others think of me than I think of myself. I make excuses for not taking care of myself. I give so much love to others but save very little for me. I often portray confidence but I am insecure as fuck. I blame myself, doubt myself, and judge myself on a regular basis. This existence sucks and I’m finally ready for some change.

I want to be clear though- I am a lucky gal and I’m not complaining about any of it. I have a pretty fucking awesome life. I have my health, I have the means to make money, I have more than adequate shelter, I can eat whenever I want and whatever I want, I have supportive and loving friends and family, and I have the freedom to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I know that I have had so much opportunity and experience in my life already. This is not about being depressed and unhappy with my life. Nor is it about going on a big adventure for the sake of it. I am very grateful for the life I have had so far and all the beauty surrounding me. This is about finding more confidence, clarity, and peace within.

A therapist once asked me to recall a time when I felt inner peace. I told her it was when I was living in a small village in Thailand, living with a host family who only spoke Thai, volunteering my time teaching English to children at the local school, and living an incredibly simple life. It was challenging but very fulfilling. I felt like I belonged there and I was super clear on my purpose. I was accepted and I was loved. I had a lot of time for myself and by myself and I was okay with that. I did yoga and meditation every day because I had very little distractions. I was selfless and I was proud. I know that I won’t be able to recreate that time in my life and I don’t want to. But what I want and what I need is to get back to basics. To spend some time away from all the attachments, dependencies, obligations, and judgement. To focus on acceptance, intention, mindfulness, purpose and love.

And so I planned a South American journey which will include yoga, meditation, volunteering, farming, surfing and teaching. As I prepare for my trip, I’m realizing one of the biggest differences between traveling 14 years ago and now is the internet. I don’t need to carry around a big ass Lonely Planet book anymore. In 2002, the internet was going through it’s awkward adolescent years and certain information was not so easy to come by. Now, I have access to more information than I know what to do with and I was able to find some amazing volunteer programs and experiences that will be a part of my journey. In fact one of the biggest sources of information for my trip were blogs which is what inspired me to start a travel blog. But, having access to all of this data has also resulted in me spending way too many hours researching the most inane details. For example, I just spent more time than I want to admit Googling which bus service I should take from Lima to Cusco, reading reviews from all sorts of sites and then looking up images of how far back the seats recline, what the toilets look like and what kind of food they serve. I no longer have an interest in showing up at a random bus station and waiting for hours for the next local bus to depart so I could save myself $20. I’ll be on the VIP bus with the 160 degree recline. Another difference between now and then is that I am more concerned about my safety and comfort. I bought additional travelers insurance. I registered my travel with the consulates of the countries I’ll be visiting. I booked flights to take me from country to country. For the first time ever, I booked a group tour for an overland adventure trip from La Paz to Buenos Aires. My younger self despised any sort of planned trip and group travel, but my current self sees value in this specific tour and welcomes the company of like-minded, adventurous folk. I even created a document with hyperlinks, detailing my travel itinerary for my friends & family. Gone are the days of completely throwing caution to the wind and going with the flow. Fuck.. I’m old.

I take off soon and true to my neurotic self, I am about 75% anxious and 25% excited. I’m over thinking everything and pretty sure I’m forgetting something. I’m going through a lot of different emotions, but despite the doubt and guilt that creeps in every now and then, I know that in my heart of hearts I am doing the right thing for me. I do not expect to be a completely evolved person with all the answers to my life, but what I hope is that this journey will result in loving myself more, loving others and becoming a better version of me.