For Muslim men, it should be about more than ‘Leaning In’

‘The Modern Muslim Man’ (copyright) is not so ‘modern’ after all. In fact he would hope to resemble the Prophet Muhammad (571–632 AD). Khadijah, the woman who despite the Prophet’s subsequent marriages was always his first and greatest love was 1) his boss (he was a merchant employed under her company), 2) older than him by quite a bit, and 3) the one who proposed to him. Also, 4) had a Christian cousin who helped him sort through his formative Islamic revelations. Muhammad was very much a man of his time as well as this time. For purposes of future conversations about Muslims and marriage and feminism and so on and so forth, let’s keep that in mind for like…ever, shall we?

Let us begin this with a disclaimer that we shall not be discussing the religious merits and scholarly discourse on the headscarf or ‘hijab’ because neither you nor I are qualified to do that and frankly the writer is not interested in that. This is a blogpost which shall be posted to Facebook and while the writer takes his faith very seriously he does not take himself very seriously and nor should you take yourself very seriously. My mother and sister wear the headscarf and my best friends do not and I do not really like to mix with friends — hijabi or otherwise — who discriminate against the other on the basis of what they wear or how they practice their faith or where they are at on the path called life. We must be about community building, not tearing down, shaming, or faith-measuring. I believe that when we get to that place where we say in not-so-subtle ways my piety is bigger than yours we are back in high school and many of us hated high school.

Next we shall say that any conversation on the diverse Muslim American community/ies cannot be divorced from the local context, and that as this writer is of Arab American origin and has grown up in a largely Arab and South Asian immigrant community, there is bound to be some bias in the analysis. That is to say that 1) while discourse on gender equality has travelled further in mainstream society versus the Muslim community, mainstream society is still very much behind in terms of equal pay, double standards, slut-shaming, and sexualizing the individual, and 2) I am not present in many convert/revert circles or in the largest segment of Muslim Americana, the African American Muslim community. Additionally, immigrant communities all encounter learning curves across generations and seeing that the Muslim community is partially composed of and highly influenced by Muslims from Middle Eastern or South Asian countries, we should remember that much of this is not unique to Muslims. That being said, none of these very valid points should be used as a cop-out to dilute any arguments against the state of gender equality in our community. We have recited the caveats and now we can move on. Am I missing anything? Oh yeah, Bismillah (in the name of God):

There is a vicious cycle that allows for a minority to hijack our community’s spaces and, yes, happiness. That minority is the type of Muslim that believes they are practicing orthodoxy and is on the straight path and it allows said Muslim to view themselves are more pious than those who are not. Said Muslim is likely to want to congregate with similar Muslims either because they believe that is the only way to preserve one’s character/identity or because they were raised in a particular culture and it is difficult to move out of said culture. I know this firsthand because I grew up in a similar particular culture and went to an Islamic school, so moving to a public university took a lot of learning and unlearning.

Some of you must be thinking, wait Adham, you just called them a ‘minority’, but the person you are describing sounds like the majority of people I know. But they are a minority, because 1) our community is growing and slowly becoming more open-minded and inclusive while retaining its faith, one microstep at a time, and 2) the majority is content in its culture and upbringing but does not purposefully try to discriminate or push others into boxes.

It is a minority of people who attempt to reinforce what is the ‘ideal’ Muslim, from imams to community ‘figures’ to auntie matchmakers to ‘that girl’ in the community who is told to believe that she possesses the perfect marriage profile (Syrian/Palestinian, hijabi, high-but-not-too-high career, social, and academic aspirations) to ‘that guy’ who posts Facebook statuses in solidarity with his ‘hijabi sisters’ and in self-congratulation of his beard. Said person may even seem open-minded and inclusive by saying such patronizing things at your local halaqa such as ‘we’re all on different paths in the faith’, which only translates to something probably really self-righteous. The problem is that on both sides of the open-minded and close-minded camps there is a lack of interest in interacting with one another aside from shade campaigns at the other’s expense.

To push for a more inclusive community, there must be more ‘allies’ — people who fit the mold of the community — who are willing to speak out and stand for an inclusive, egalitarian, and merciful brand of Islam.

Yes, the so-called open-minded can be quite close-minded, but I do not blame them. I am an Arab American cisgender heterosexual male of reasonable socioeconomic standing that could pretty much “fit in” to the cookie cutter community, despite our respective ideological and social differences. But I have many friends who are “Unmosqued”, burnt-out from dealing with the community, or altogether shunned, ignored, and pushed out for their views, sexual orientation, or race. Many of them are heavily practicing Muslims who do more to advance ‘Muslim’ causes or boost Muslim presence in mainstream spaces not called hospital wards, ma7als/stores, or barbershops. It is the aforementioned minority that bullies the mainstream community into the culture of conformity.

To push for a more inclusive community, there must be more ‘allies’ — people who fit the mold of the community — who are willing to speak out and stand for an inclusive, egalitarian, and merciful brand of Islam. The majority must put the reactionary minority in its place, or at least pave the path forward for future generations who have no cause to hold on to a largely imported paradigm of social engineering. I have one area of focus where this can be most applicable and which has occupied many conversations among my young professional Muslim friends: the ‘issue’ of the headscarf.

Scenario 1: ‘marriage-age’ Arab American man meets a Muslim woman that he is interested in. The feeling is mutual. There is chemistry, an alignment of values on family, career, the important things, and the not-so-important but important-to-them things. The man tells his parents, who then tell him they do not like her because she does not wear the headscarf. The parent or parents could have deeply rooted religious reasons for this, but I would argue that just as often the parent(s) would want their son to marry someone that “looks like their family and fits their culture”. There are so many racial and socioeconomic implications of this mindset, but we will focus on the headscarf for the purposes of this argument.

What happens when the parents push back? They meet little to no resistance, or the son capitulates immediately. The son may argue or advocate for the woman he is interested in, but many times the son gives up and gets pushed into searching for a hijabi. The former woman is left hanging and is forced to deal with the same episode reoccurring multiple times, or having to meet men who are not as practicing or God conscious as her.

Blessing and permission are two different ideas

The fear of disrespecting one’s parents is very real. There is an amazing principle in Islam and in immigrant culture that preaches respect for one’s elders and especially one’s parents. Where that becomes a problem is whenever a child’s views, tastes, preferences, career choices, and more diverge from those of his or her parents. The concept of attaining their parents’ rida or blessing is often seen as getting their parents’ permission. The fear of not having a parent’s rida is often scary even though blessing and permission are two different ideas. By not standing up for what we believe in, including the very simple statement of “the presence or lack of headscarf does not reflect a woman’s character and the women in my life are not my property and while we are to bring out the best in each other, her embracing of the headscarf or not should occur organically” allows for women such as the one in this scenario to be continually misunderstood and facing a small pool of potential suitors.

Scenario 2: guy gets along with a girl and they have amazing chemistry and they are great friends but when asked if he would consider exploring marriage with her, he says that though he finds her very attractive in many ways he can only see her as a friend. Why? Because, in his perspective, he’s “seen too much” of her. He says he is looking for a hijabi. Guy is not known to be incredibly religious or incredibly whatever is the opposite of religious. He is considered to be “open minded” and cosmopolitan, and the people he tends to befriend are just as independent, career-oriented, and social as he is. He befriends many females and has dated/explored marriage multiple times in the past. Guy has a set criteria for the type of woman he wants, which aside from the hijab include being younger than him and in a career field that does not hinder homemaking and childrearing. In conversations about women’s rights, feminism, modesty, the hijab, and so on, he reinforces many of the double standards that exist in the community towards women, and would not seem to ‘trust’ a woman that is just as exposed, social, and independent as he is. He ultimately wants someone that does not make him feel insecure.

This guy not only wants a hijabi (because supposedly the hijab = modesty and modesty = character and character = doesn’t talk to other guys). He wants someone who does not have an independence that threatens him. That is not to say that all non-hijabis are independent and all hijabis are not independent. That is to say that some men are not secure enough to deal with a girl who is social and independent, and those men somehow believe that the hijabi girl is more likely to not give men a headache. The mothers of those men might feed their mind with thoughts such as “would you want other men looking at your wife if she dresses like that” as if those men shouldn’t be raised to respect women and as if women don’t know how to deal with the gaze of men as they do every day and as if the hijab would make a woman less susceptible to male gaze and as if we live in a society where if a stranger sees a woman’s hair or shoulders, the woman’s man (read: patriarchal guardian) must defend her honor.

Male allies are an integral part of equation.

Both scenarios call for the men in the equation to ‘lean in.’ Many of may have heard of the concept as it is relayed to women: women need to ‘lean in’ to their careers and studies in order to assert their place in the workplace and halls of knowledge. As many have also written, men must also ‘lean in’ by promoting gender equality; fathers should encourage academic and professional success for their daughters just as much as young men should not remain silent when their female friends encounter any form of sexism. You might have seen the brilliant #LeanInTogether ad featuring NBA stars calling for gender equality. Male allies are an integral part of equation.

What does it mean to ‘lean in’ in this context? It means that men should be more willing to stand up for themselves if they want to marry a woman who is of a different race, sect, or appearance, hijabi or non-hijabi. The man in Scenario 1 needs to be able to have open, albeit difficult, conversations with his parents and advocate for the girl’s character, because sadly a non-hijabi will always have questions about her character whispered about her. Male allies need to step up, both for their friends and for the person they love or are interested in marrying. If you are a man who is interested in a woman that does not look just like the Muslim girls in your suburb, that does not mean you are destined for exile from your family and community. Firstly, your parents love you. If it is something very important to you, and you are in a position to talk about marriage (age, maturity, career, finances, and so on), they will listen. Be sure to talk about the values that matter, both between you and your potential spouse as well as those between her family and yours. Be patient and respectful when your parents resist. Understand that there are some generational, cultural differences. Understand that timing matters, and if you are so excited to get married but forgo your academic, professional, or personal development, your parents may be concerned or hesitant (and maybe you should be too!).

Your parents are not out there with you on campus or in social spaces where an array of contradictions exist and interact in harmony.

Secondly, this is one of the things worth fighting for — that ultimate companion, your soulmate/naseeb, the person you hope to spend the rest of your life with. Your parents possess a wisdom that you do not yet have, but only you can and are living your life, interact with society in the way you do, and know what your heart wants. Your parents are not out there with you on campus or in social spaces where an array of contradictions exist and interact in harmony. They may have only seen two types of girls — the hijabi and the very secular (or as some Arabs classify her, “sport”) non-hijabi. It’s your job to advocate, explain, be mature and honest, and bridge the gap, no matter how uncomfortable it is in the moment or few months. Chemistry matters, and if you believe your potential spouse fits your family, make the respectful case for her.

Remind your parents that you are not choosing between them and her; rather, you are choosing yourself. And your self is composed of all of your experiences and variables that made you who you are, including your faith, culture, and family.

If you find that you have feelings for this woman or that you have but one strong feeling that she might be your soulmate, you should try. Try, and try again. Remind your parents that you are not choosing between them and her; rather, you are choosing yourself. Your self is composed of all of your experiences and variables that made you who you are, including your faith, culture, and family. You wouldn’t pick somebody from Mars; don’t let your parents make you feel like you are. Remind them how much you love and respect their point of view but that this is important to you and the woman you have in mind deserves fair and equal evaluation just as you the male would be evaluated by her hypothetical parents. Is this hard? Yes. But this is a difference between the son who has become his own man and the son that cannot make an organic decision on his own. There’s nothing ‘new age’ about this. That gentlemanly thing where the man actually has to go out of his way to court a woman/win her over? Just because many of us grew up with a silver spoon in our mouths, it doesn’t mean this should come easy either?

When it comes to career routes and the person we love — the two big choices that can reflect true independence and agency or a lack thereof — we often defer to our parents. From the guy who switched to pre-dental in college because the girl he was talking to’s parents would only marry her off to a doctor/dentist, to the guy who wants to become an actor despite his parents’ protests and who has to lie to his community by saying he’s “pre-law”, to the guy that got engaged to a hijabi girl a few months after being forced out a relationship with a non-hijabi by his parents, true adulthood is being undermined in our community. Despite the bro who shares pictures of himself at the gym or about his awesome beard, there’s a sense that very few decisions he has ever made — besides smoking a cigarette by the garage during a taraweeh prayer break in 10th grade — could be considered ‘risks’ or something that his parents would find distasteful. That mindset that takes a few generations to find, the one that says “I’m okay if my kid wants to struggle to become an actor or build a start-up or hop from job to job while they build their career or even work for a few years before graduate school”, isn’t there yet, and a similar lack of adaptability exists when a family’s “golden son who can do no harm and is a model citizen” wants to marry a girl who is of a different race, sect, or appearance. Don’t get me wrong — so many of my friends are studious and hard-working, but to certain degree neither our ‘real world’ resilience nor our social adaptability get tested.

With such uneven playing fields, it is our responsibility to help bring balance.

This perpetuates the aforementioned vicious cycle, keeping anyone who doesn’t resemble the majority to be left hanging, being forced to make tough, inorganic choices about the hijab, or move from one potential male suitor to another until their supposed ‘shelf life’ becomes another concern for men (or their mothers!) who want to marry someone younger. Aside from very concerning issues of race and sect, men rarely face such scrutiny about their religious practice. When it comes to our religious practice and our bodies, we do not have such systematic external pressures thrown at us or the pressure to act or be a certain way to simply fit in and be considered eligible bachelors. Beyond “is he a doctor/dentist/physical therapist/engineer/lawyer”, there’s a passing question as to whether “he prays” or not, and that’s kind of it. We have very little to prove, unlike the the non-hijabi who for some reason won’t get trusted to be ‘fit in’, based on her appearance and assumed independence. With such uneven playing fields, it is our responsibility to help bring balance.

Even worse is the mindset reflected in Scenario 2, where the man feels threatened by the woman’s choice of clothing, perceived independence and social outgoing-ness. This is on us — we need to ‘man up’ and not allow ourselves to promote double standards simply based on our insecurities. It is one thing to believe strongly in the hijab, and to want a spouse to takes elements of the religion, including prayer, avoiding alcohol, and not gossiping, very seriously. It is also one thing to have deeply rooted preferences for one’s spouse — as is natural. I prefer someone who looks like Marion Cottilard’s character in Midnight in Paris and cares deeply about books and treats others with compassion. If the hijab, race, or sect is one of those preferences, that is understandable, especially since our marriage courting system is still very transactional and we don’t often get to know the other person very well and thus focus on certain external attributes. We have all been there, when you suggest a person to a friend and they say “show me his/her picture on Facebook”. However, we must be careful not to oppress people on the basis of their differences. Good character, attraction, and sound faith are the starting point; it is a pity when a person “not being Syrian” or not wearing the hijab brings about the conclusion of the interaction. It is also a pity when a guy who is very ‘social’ or alternatively has dated in the past is embraced for who he is today but women must always explain and justify who they were yesterday or prove who they are today. Many women face a lifetime of this pressure, or at least through their entire teenage and “marriage age” years.

Some of my closest friends, who also happen to be non-hijabi, wish that men would stand up for them more often, so that the only potential suitors remaining aren’t the “douchey” type that barely practices their faith. This is not a call for “charity” or “pity” for non-hijabis or partners of a different race or sect for that matter. This is to say that if your mind, body, and soul are aligned on a person even in a preliminary stage and you are looking to explore this further, view your parents as partners who are heavily invested and care deeply and have some valuable advice in the process, and not your enemy and they are not going to ex-communicate you. Before you shut someone down on the basis of whether they wear the headscarf (or are very independent), ask yourself if this is because you are threatened by her. Ask yourself if you would appreciate your character and modesty being questioned because you have female friends or because don’t catch all five prayers every day on time. I pose this simple question to my fellow Muslim men— what, or rather, who, are we afraid of?