Piagra: The New Pill To Preserve Muslim Male Piety
Advertisement paid for by the U.S. Coalition of Really Relevant Muslim Groups Inshallah (USCRRMGI)
Men and women are created equal but we all know a women’s voice is less equal and only deserves to read the Old English translation of the Quran at the community event — because we all know that hearing a woman recite the words of God will stir up erotic emotions within you.
*cuts to male at Muslim fundraiser folding his legs while listening to female recitation*
Ever hear a woman sing or recite Quran and think “oh no, I’m going to hell”? We’ve been there. If you are a Muslim male and this happens to you, then you have real problems. But, with the help of some allies in the medical and pharmaceutical field, the folks at the U.S. Coalition of Really Relevant Muslim Groups Inshallah (USCRRMGI) have created a solution!
Meet Piagra — the first pill for men designed to help you maintain your piety. Simply take Piagra before you go to a CAIR or Islamic Relief fundraiser, and you’re good to go! Piagra also helps guard your uncontrollable male urges if you shake a woman’s hand or see a woman without the headscarf, or worse!, with a headscarf but just not to your Islamic standards. No more embarrassing sexual harassment lawsuits caused by female carelessness. Piagra has got you covered.
*shows group of Muslim men at event high-fiving, hugging, doing traditional Arab greeting kisses*
Piagra is also great for maintaining piety with your wife, female relatives, your mother, and even the girls we all know you meet on Tinder. How so? It creates a force field around you so no female can shake your hand or hug you — so your wudu is safe! That way you and only you are in control of your wudu. Piagra also helps get your piety up when you get home from the fundraising event so you don’t forget to pray Isha at night.
*guy asks, ‘and Witr?’*
And Witr. Do not take Piagra while smoking hookah, watching pornography, or going to mixed weddings. Side effects include increased friendzone, sudden urges to comment on a women’s choice of clothing on Internet forums, angry activism for Palestine/Syria, the need to be contrarian all the time, and increased basicness.
You can’t predict what a woman will wear and what hugs or lawsuits she will throw at you. Your body is a mystery: don’t take a chance on your piety. Ask your doctor about Piagra, insha’Allah.
Piagra. Because God knows you can’t control yourself.
(if you don’t get that this is meant to be comedic/sarcastic by now, I can’t help you)