The Foolproof Guide to Talking About Politics at a Muslim Thanksgiving Dinner

Islam has two official holidays: Eid Al-Adha (Eid of the Sacrifice) and Eid Al-Fitr (Eid of Breaking the Fast). The former takes place after the Hajj pilgrimage; the latter after the holy month of Ramadan. Those are the only holidays that have religious significance to us— end of story.

So if you see a Muslim at your Halloween party, it’s likely because they were deprived of trick-or-treating as a kid and they just want to dress up in their genius “Netflix & Chill” costume to feel culturally relevant; they probably aren’t there to worship Satan with you. If you find me listening to Sinatra, enjoying shopping sales, and drinking peppermint anything, it’s likely because I enjoy the holiday season, not because I think Jesus Christ was born in the winter (Muslims, who love Jesus as one of their prophets, believe that he was born in the summer). Likewise, if you see your Muslim friends posting #ThanksgivingDinner photos on your newsfeed, it’s likely because we too enjoy the seasonal excuse to get together with our families and friends for some bird, or some classic Middle Eastern/South Asian/other Muslim-majority countries’ dishes (such as, white peoples’ hearts. A delicacy).

My family is 75% Syrian American, and 25% Irish-Scottish Canadian, thanks to my grandma, aka Nana. Thus, it’s obviously been the tradition to gather at my grandparents’ house for the classic American spread of turkey, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie from her sweet, sweet hands and warm kitchen. As has been beaten to death as a joke since forever, Thanksgiving dinner can be an arena for awkward conversations about politics, society, and other people with relatives you don’t really stay in touch with year-round. Here’s the Washington Post’s latest guide, How to talk to your family about politics this Thanksgiving, for instance. Here’s the rub: politics in the incredibly diverse Muslim community are a bit more complicated. The only thing in common is our racist uncle/grandfather. We need our own guide for those undesirable Thanksgiving conversations. Well, look no further:

Scenario 1: Your relative likes to talk about people of the opposite sect.

This is a classic scenario. Let’s say your family is Sunni, and your grandpa wants to remind you how “he told you so”, 10 years ago, that the Shi’ite militias in Syria contributing to the bloodshed there are proof that Shi’ites have it in for the Sunnis. And when you want to pipe in that the actions of a few don’t reflect the character of the whole Shi’ite population:

The easy solution here is to nod your head and say something along the lines of, “things are just horrible, may Allah protect everyone and ease the suffering.” Or, you can play on that person’s wanting to feel valued, and ask them countering questions that imply that you truly care for their analysis of the Middle East, or that you want to know more about their experiences. Or, change the subject, quickly. There’s no escaping that hole.

Scenario 2: Your relative doesn’t like President Obama’s Middle East foreign policies, so he/she uses racist slurs to refer to him.

Scene: You say, “hi Uncle, it’s so good to see you. How are you?” Uncle says, “good, if it wasn’t for that <racial slur> in the White House letting Putin do whatever he wants.”

You’re all like,

You don’t want to betray your values, and if those slurs offend you, you can make that clear by appearing uncomfortable, or “playfully” saying, “now, now, come on, we don’t need any of that.” Saying what is right supersedes the need to feel included, but it can be hard to not come off as that “politically correct” one that went off to a distant college to show everyone how he’s better than everyone. If you love your family (and you should), make it clear that it offends you, and that if they truly value their relationship with you, that they refrain at the very least from using words like that in front of you.

Scenario 3: Your relative has a colonized/inferiority complex that leads him/her to not like other racial or religious minorities, and especially hold prejudices against black people.

Ah, this one. A conversation about #BlackLivesMatters or Ferguson comes up, and your relative refers to the black protestors at thugs, or plays on the stereotypes that contribute to victim-shaming. Nevermind that Muslims are stigmatized in this country and that there should be a sense of solidarity with anyone being oppressed (a value inherent in the Islamic faith). All of a sudden, the table resembles that cartoonish colored Republican who needs to tell all other colored people to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps.” The hypocrisy is as thick as the gravy you’re mistakenly chugging because your mind is like this rn:

Here’s what you do: segway into a story about Muslims facing Islamophobic backlash, and while what Muslims face is no where near as systematic as what black people have faced in this country, it might be enough to remind folks about the notion of solidarity. But it probably won’t be. Just shove a spoonful of pie in your mouth.

Scenario 4: Your relative wants to talk about “the Jews”.

Well, this is likely about Israel and Israel’s policies towards the Palestinian people, and while that topic is relevant on Thanksgiving as a modern-day example of a state oppressing an indigenous population, the problem comes about when anything related to Israel is referred to under the umbrella term of “the Jews.” The air becomes pungent with anti-Semitism, and to deflect any accusation of being anti-Semitic, that person will go into the intricacy of linguistic history and transform into Ancestry.com to remind you that Arabs are Semites and thus can never be anti-Semitic. You’re not convinced.

Nice try. Smile and eat your pie. You can’t change mindsets that easilye. Know that your relatives lived through Arab countries’ wars with Israel, and that the local mosques continue to use the term “the Jews” (yahood) during sermons. Try, if you must. Fail, you will.

Scenario 5: Your relative wants to show you pictures of dead children in a Palestine, Burma, or Syria on his/her phone while you are eating.

Just, no. No one should be desensitized to the point that it’s okay to look at those photos regularly. It leads to burnout, and we’ve all felt it. The thing is, your relative is truly convinced that this particular picture is truly unique— how could it not be, as it was shared on the special WhatsApp group with his/her trusted sources (cousins). And when you even try to look or walk away in pain/disgust at the gruesome picture/video, as the relative shoves their phone in your face, usually coupled with “look, look at what that <racial slur> Obama allows the Jews to do to your brothers and sisters,”

…you get accused of not caring about humanity enough. There’s no walking away from this one. You have to watch the video, nod your head, and offer a remorseful prayer for humanity.

Scenario 6: Your relative hasn’t watched basketball since the late 90s, and thinks basketball without Michael Jordan is not basketball.

Don’t comment.

Scenario 7: Your relative wants to talk about how non-Muslim holidays are forbidden, while slathering cranberry sauce on his/her turkey.

Scenario 8: Your relative wants to make socioeconomic differences relevant, by asking you if ‘you’re too good for us’ when you don’t see him/her throughout the year, making you think deeply about your parents’ country’s educational system and poor governance which created massive inequalities and different waves of emigration due to either a.) political turmoil or b.) economic/educational opportunity.

This is a losing battle. Take it like a pro.

Scenario 9: Your younger relative throws around the N word or other slurs, and you don’t want to come off as elitist or holier than thou.

This is especially tricky because if this relative is your age or younger their ability to “give and take” and accept suggestions/criticism is unpredictable. You might care about maintaining that relationship, and you don’t want to make them feel like you’re better than them because you’re offended by actually really racist, oppressive terminology. But what if you don’t care about maintaining that relationship, and you know you’ll only see that person a few times a year as a part of your Islamic obligation to honor and visit family members? Then stand up for what you believe in. Ultimately, they’ll appreciate where you’re coming from when they wise/grow up.

Scenario 10: Your relatives want to talk about a woman’s role in society, and the female relatives in the room validate or stay silent to very anti-feminist viewpoints, but you don’t want to come off as elitist.

It starts off as “oh s***, where is this going?”

Then one of your female relatives says something akin to slut-shaming.

Then you interject, and you get asked “who made you the defender of all women?”

Scenario 11: Your relatives want to talk about “the gays.”

And you know they don’t want to discuss it from a complex legal framework revolving around the Supreme Court’s decisions.

Look, your family loves you. And they probably don’t see you often, you being out and about at school being wayyyy too good for them with all of your fancy new friends. Cut everyone some slack. Try to sympathize with where everyone is coming from, pick your battles wisely, and speak with respect and a tone that doesn’t say “hey I took a poli sci class, let me tell you about gender roles.” And if it’s an elder, know that they have a ton to share, and that it’s your loss for not asking them to tell you more stories. And the fact that one doesn’t see their relatives often throughout the year can make for some very superficial conversations, and rightly so! With little time to know about the person, one will often resort to questions about studies, career, and marriage. It’s family, deal with it. Walk that tightrope between remaining true to yourself, and exhibiting true connection with the larger family body.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Have any more scenarios or jokes about holiday table conversations? Shoot them my way on Twitter, @AdhamSahloul.