Thank you for leaving me

It’s been five years since you walked out the door of the home we built together. Leaving me behind to clean up your mess as you waved goodbye to start a new life with someone you barely knew.

You decided she was now “the one.” Eleven years of marriage. Gone.

I thought you broke me.

I floated in a fog for months. Maybe years. Caught glimpses of you through old Facebook posts that you liked back when I was “the one.”

I had to delete everything about you, and block you from seeing anything about me, just so I could begin healing my soul.

Still, friends like to gossip, and I heard you married the girl you left me for. Great. Just great. Another blow to my fragile self.

I did not ask to hear that news.

I poured myself into my work and trudged along in the muddy mess of self doubt and shame.

A year ago, I forgave you. But you don’t know that. I’m not ready for you to know that. It hit me suddenly while driving down an old dirt road. A weight lifted and I smiled. That was it. I forgave. But I can’t forget.

The hurt is still there affecting the relationships I’ve had after you.

But I’m okay.

I’ve learned to love myself and realize now that I’m responsible for my own happiness.

You emailed me a few months ago to finally apologize. I soon learned the apology was more for you than me.

Typical.

You told me you remarried. I pretended to be surprised. In a way, I’m glad I already knew.

An apology disguising a knife to the heart…

Typical.

There’s still a bitter taste in my mouth. It’s not because you left. It’s because of the way you left. The nasty things you said and did to me; the way you stole my ability to trust.

Despite it all, I can honestly say I’m better off. My life is happier and more fulfilling without you in it. I’d wager you’d say the same about me.

At the time it all went down, I couldn’t imagine the fog ever lifting. But now, my sky is clear and my future bright.

The funny thing is, I owe it all to you. If you had never walked out that door, I would have never found my true self.

So I guess I should say, thank you.

Thank you for leaving me.

I am much more myself now that you’re gone.


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