45. Forgive Me My Journal for I Have Sin
It has been a hard yet satisfying week.

First of all I haven’t write here for like, a week. It’s bad. But listen.
I have been working like hell this week. Last Wednesday I went home at 3 AM. So it was technically Thursday. There was this project that my team supposed to work on. I would say it’s huge. It’s very important. I slept quite rarely this week, this morning I woke up at 9 and I didn’t give a fuck. I liked it. And perhaps I’m gonna do it again tomorrow. But let’s not. I hate waking up late.
But hey! They gave me my own PC. Finally. For the first two months I use my own laptop for work. They said they’re afraid the new guy would leave the moment they buy him an expensive computer. Yes, it’s a good one. The spec is enough to do a design job. And I’m not a designer. But hell, I still do design here and there. Mostly reports and presentation but, lucky they have a guy who know how to use a design software when they didn’t put it as a requirement when I applied for the job. So yeah, I love this PC.
Second, it’s a big one, at least for me. I started smoking.
Fuck.
I bought my first pack yesterday. Now I realize it’s quite an expense, so I don’t think I’ll do this often. It’s a mild one and I haven’t figure out what to enjoy. I read about how to do it. And I do it right.
The idea is I do it for work. Quite pathetic isn’t it? No. Look. I work in the industry where most people, no, all, of the guys is smoking. So far, all of the people I need to meet to talk and discuss do smoke. And quite often they ask me, “you don’t smoke?”, and I could tell that they see me differently. They have been smoking for god knows how long. People around them also smoke for sure. Puffing white smokes and the smoking gesture is what people for them. So when one not doing it, they respect them, but they see them quite differently. The stranger has become stranger. Now what do you do to a stranger? You don’t open up. I don’t want that. I need them to open up. To tell me things. To tell me stories. When you start taking a pack out of your pocket and puff one, these people know that it’s time to relax and chat. And that’s the idea of it. The whole reason of why I start smoking. It’s a camouflage.
Yesterday I smoked one. It felt awful. Today I smoked ten cigarettes and feels okay. Quite much for a first timer isn’t it? I want to know how to do it.
When you’re doing something wrong, do it right.
I believe that’s what they say. Now I don’t feel the urge to smoke like my coworkers do. Maybe I haven’t. But I guess I’ll be okay to just smoke occasionally. I’m gonna try to avoid doing it tomorrow. To see if these 11 cigarettes has made me addicted. It even feels heavier to breath already.
Don’t do it guys. It really is not good for your health.
