Break Down, Build Up, Rinse…

Image from Google Search/Undertale, by Toby Fox

..and try not to repeat that first part, please and thank you.

So, like, yeah. I gave myself a nervous meltdown. Again.

I set goals that were too high. Again.

I let drama that I had limited control over get to me. Again.

I didn’t get enough sleep or eat enough healthy things. Again.

But this time, either due to age or just the time we are in, it was bad. I haven’t been sleeping well, and I’ve been jittery to the point of feeling…trembly all day. I think so much about all the things I have to do that I can’t actually follow through and do them. I worked myself into a panic.

Finally, my body decided to put a stop to all the things. I’m writing this in bed, surrounded by blankets and tea, soothed by the knowledge that achievement of any sort today is impossible due to a combination of sinus headache, fatigue, and cold drugs. LOTS of cold drugs.

That’s pretty awful, isn’t it? I feel better than I have in weeks, or even months, because I had to put the brakes on life and not even think about anything for a day or two. My nose is doing what noses do during colds, I’m coughing and ache head to toe.

“I don’t have to goto the gym!”

“I can’t work on my skillcrush stuff while I’m doped up!”

“NaNo planning will have to wait!”

“Can’t write pitches or cover letters while I’m sick and groggy!”

I have never been happier to to see a cold in my life.

The election has been making me angsty as all fuck since the primaries were over. This election, in case you’ve been frozen in Carbonite or Kale Smoothie, is not just about party dynamics but about a power shift. It’s a culture war, and a lot of people’s demons have been popping up. A lot of people’s worst characteristics have been brought to light and it’s scary.

I have also been pressuring myself to perform better for the last year. I was laid off in November of 2015, and while it was due to company restructuring and I am actually still on good terms with the managers, I can’t help thinking that part of the reason was that I was the most expendable person there. My lack of luck in the job hunting world ended up landing me what I have to say is the worst job I’ve ever had in my life. (I feel safe saying that here, btw, because anyone who would take offense at that from my company is not likely to be on Medium, and I am a person of minimal importance and fame online, for now *hopeful face* so no one has any reason to call that to anyone’s attention.) It’s caused me to reflect on my skills and talents and determine I’ve let them rot in the interest of survival and doing “what I should”.

So I made a new “what I should” list and it’s too full and it’s killing me.

I decided to take a class with Skillcrush. But I put too much pressure on myself to meet deadlines, when, in fact, those were more like suggestions and I have a lot of flexibility. I decided to work out, and, in doing my best to keep up with imagined rivals who, in fact, couldn’t care less if I live or die, much less if I can out pace their mile, I tore a muscle and lost months of progress during recovery. I decided to try again for some new media jobs but put so much pressure on myself to apply for new work it ended up gluing me to my phone. Damn LinkedIn app. I also ended up consuming too much time sending applications into the void. I’ve only recently started getting interviews, and obviously nothing has panned out.

And then there’s the whole “keeping up when you’re far behind” thing. I got off to a late start in life due to some bad career choices in my 20’s. I didn’t prioritize myself in the right way. So, next to my peers, I am way behind financially. I’ve also had to “start over” several times since 2012. I feel like the world has moved on without me and I am desperately sprinting to catch back up.

I want to have value to the people I admire. I want to have happiness. Since I will probably stay single by chance and childless by choice, my career and what passes as my talents are all I have left to go for. I have limited resources to work with.

Time is my biggest enemy. Hopefully that will be better soon, as the busy time at work will be over. I can then get back to my regular schedule of working out. I may also change gyms, so working out on weekends is less of a hassle. Comparison is a close second. I keep wanting to keep up with someone who is no longer a part of my life. I admired that person. I want to be the type of person someone like him would respect, if not admire back. I want to be someone. Because I am damned tired of being no one. Even before the internet I was always part of the background, and all anyone can say of me is “I’m quiet.” While I don’t seek the limelight per se, I’d like someone to have something to say about me besides that I’m “nice” or “quiet”.

But then NaNoWriMo starts. It’s supposed to be a fun project, something I do just for me every year. But I am wondering how to fit it in with everything else. AND I KNOW AT LEAST TWO IMAGINARY RIVALS MIGHT BE PARTICIPATING THIS YEAR FJKSJKLJWPRJOWPJROWP

I can’t do everything every day, that much is clear to me. Tomorrow I will work on making a schedule, a more reasonable rotation of things to keep my sanity. I will avoid political coverage since it only upsets me, rather than enlightening me to what’s happening in the world. I will try not to feel like people are watching me because in reality I have the opposite problem. This is a challenge because I have had issues with stalkers in the past year, nothing dangerous but I *always* feel like I am being watched.

In any case, I am past the worst of it. I am not seeking a way out of my life like I was this summer. The autumn air and shorter days seek to restore reason to my mind, so I can keep on keeping on. I have goals and things to work for.

I will keep trying.

I will figure this out.

I will calm down.

I will try again, slowly, without tearing up my mind, body, and soul.

I suppose this is learning to pace myself.

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