I Am Boycotting The New Robot Wars Television Show Because They Have Made All The House Robots Girls

When the BBC announced that the Hit Television Show The Robot War was coming back on our screens soon, I was excited. I was hooting and hollering about how my childhood was coming back. I got less excited when I realised that I wouldn’t actually relive my childhood and undo some of the past mistakes I did, but still, ROBOT WARS.

Remember the video game? You could make the robot out of wood and paint it whatever colour and have it beat Chaos 2 in every battle. Fuck Chaos 2 the bastard robot from Ipswich. Chaos 2 was the worst robot in all of the robot war. Chaos 2 made battles really boring. Oh no the robot is flipped over and they can’t get up I guess the fight is over now. Oh no the robot has been flipped out of the arena. I guess we have to end the battle here. Oh no, Chaos 2 the bastard robot from Ipswich has flipped over the house robots and is now flipping them out of the arena as well. Drat that awful robot. Drat that awful robot to heck. I hate Chaos 2 the bastard robot from Ipswich and I hope that piece of scrap is rusting in hell.

Fuck Chaos 2 the bastard robot from Ipswich.

The best robot from the robot war (other than Razer who is the actual best at beating all the robot with their glorious piercing robot beak like the majestic robot bird they are) was obviously Diotoir.

There’s many reasons why Diotoir is the best and also the robot I identify most with. These reasons are as follows:

• Diotoir is stylish as heck. Look at that red with black spot fur they’ve got there. Do you see any other robots from the robot war using fur for their armour? No, because the other robots have no fashion sense. “Sir Chromalot”? Those nerds have no sense of actual style. Just because that robots are cold and metalic creatures doesn’t mean you need to emphasise that. Get outta here with that “making our robot super shiny for no reason” shit. Diotoir needs no such gimmicks. The Diotoir team were also just as stylish with their furry waistcoats. Clearly they were ahead of their time on The Robot War Television Show.
• Diotoir was actually better than what most people remember. You thought that this was a joke robot that lost at the first battle? Heck no. Diotoir was a completely serious robot that was built to win the robot war. That “being on fire all the time” thing was just a trick. A ruse, you could say. Normally, a robot that competes in the robot war weren’t allowed to have flame weapons (however the arena and House Robots are allowed as many as they want); but Diotoir found a workaround. If they were able to set themselves on fire, they could then use that fire against the robot they were battling against without being disqualified. Diotoir has actually won more times than they have lost (13 times won vs 11 times lost). This is more times than actual gimmick robot Sir Chromalot (6 wins and 7 losses).
• Diotoir is Irish. The Nemesis Team (as they were called) came from Northern Ireland which is a country which is north of the other Ireland. Despite that, Ireland claimed Diotoir as their own. This meant that Scotland was the only country on the British Isles that didn’t have a robot representative of its country (I’m counting Wales, Scotland, England, Northern Ireland, and the Republic of Ireland as countries, sorry anyone who lives on the Isle Of Man or any of the other islands. Also sorry to Cornwall which totally should be its own country and would have Roadblock as it’s robot representative). The robot representative for Wales was Panic Attack and the robot representative for England was Chaos 2 the bastard robot from Ipswich.
• Another reason you could tell that Diotoir was Irish was because in 2001 The Nemesis Team took part in the Techno Games, which was like the Olympics but it was for robots and also they did it once a year for four years (2000–2003). They had a walking robot called Ulysses to take part in the walking race, which in 2001 became the champion. The Techno Games wiki says that the robot is named after the Roman mythology of Ulysses. However, Ulysses is actually just the Latin name for Odysseus which is actually Greek and not Roman. I’m surprised that the prestigious wiki editors of The Techno Games Wiki would get their facts wrong like this. In fact, I doubt that it’s even based on the Greek myth. Instead, it’s far more likely that it’s based on the novel Ulysses by the Perpetually Horny Irish Man James Joyce. This was a rather clever name cause not only it indicated the Irish links the team had, but it also indicated that the robot was one that was built for walking as Ulysses is known as a book that’s about a man that just walks to places.

With this new series on the horizon though, I was looking forward to seeing The House Robots being back in action. The House Robots were one of the main highlights of the original show and I was looking forward to seeing their return.

In case you don’t know, The House Robots were the robots that didn’t really take part in the competition. If they were to take part in the competition they would be disqualified for being Illegal Robots. Robots were not allowed to be really heavy, or have flame throwers, or Fuck Shit Up For No Reason. Instead of taking part in the games they would take a corner in the arena and Fuck Shit Up for anyone who dared to go in any of the corners. The House Robots were the only robots that were allowed to Fuck Shit Up and that’s why I hate Chaos 2 the bastard robot from Ipswich. Fuck Chaos 2.

I wasn’t surprised to hear that The House Robots had changed a little for the new series. It made sense to me that The Robots Whom Fucks Shit Up got an upgrade. However, I was shocked to see the new changes, and the upgrade I saw (haha I said saw, like a chainsaw) were horrifying. This wasn’t an upgrade but more of a DOWN grade if you catch my drift.

Shunt

Before

Shunt was the original daddy House robot. Before Sir Killalot was on the scene it was just Shunt, Dead Metal, Sergeant Bash, and Matilda. Shunt was the biggest and toughest of all of them. Shunt doesn’t play games He fucking charges your ass. look at that front scoop there, and also that back scoop. There’s no way that this robot wasn’t built for shoving things all over the place. Shunt also had an axe, which while wasn’t the best house robot weapon, would still pierce the heck out of any robot who thought it could mess with him. Don’t mess with Daddy Shunt.

Now

To unobservant people and those who should not call them True Robot War Fans would look at the new shunt and think “Huh, not much has changed here”. While it’s true that shunt here still pushes people around, and has a spiky axe that can put holes in washing machines and robots the same size as washing machines, there’s one major difference. The Shunt as we know him, or shall I say her, now is a woman. Look at that pinkish glow that’s coming from that press photo. This isn’t the manly and rugged Shunt we loved when we were 90s kids. Our daddy bot has now turned to a mommy bot. How could the BBC betray us like this?

Dead Metal

Before

Dead Metal was the sparky robot. His saw blade could cut through anything and would spit a billion sparks showing that it was doing a lot of damage. See those pincers he’s got on the front there? Those were for grabbing any robot that was silly enough to go near him. No robot was going to get away from Dead Metal’s saw blade. Everything about Dead Metal gave a Punk Rock vibe about him which was thematic because he was meant to be the most noisy of all the robots, especially when his saw blade would grind against another bot’s metallic flesh.

Now

I don’t know about you but Dead Metal looks a bit smaller now. Almost like a baby. You could probably say that Dead Metal should probably be called Baby Metal after the Japanese All Girl Rock Band Baby Metal. Dead Metal has become the Baby of The House Robot Crew, and a Baby Girl at that. Sure, they’re a baby girl that will Fuck Your Shit Up, but still not the Punk Rocker Manly Man that was the original Dead Metal.

Matilda

Before

Now I know what you’re all thinking. “Matilda was already a girl”. Yes I know. She was the only girl house robot that existed in The Robot War. If you were to ask someone what they remember about Matilda they would say “They were the girl robot” and also “They were the Triceratops Dinosaur looking robot”. It’s true, while Matilda was clearly The Girl Robot, she was also The Dinosaur Robot; and as you know, Dinosaurs are a Boy’s thing. Matilda was therefore more of a tomboy and therefore cool and therefore OK for boy’s to like. She also had a chainsaw for a tail. Do you have a chainsaw for a tail? Didn’t think so.

Now

She now has a pink flywheel as her tail. What the fuck. Her flywheel is pink. I mean flywheels are fine. Probably more effective than a chainsaw you could say, but now it’s pink. Her eyes glow pink as well, and her body paint has a purple-ish tint. What the heck? Whoever heard of a purple dinosaur? Our tomboy girl has turned into just plain girl.

Sergeant Bash

Before

Everyone remembers Sergeant Bash as The Robot With The Flamethrower. Bash was also the only house robot with a bit of colour with his green camo look. Bash was the grand dad of The House Robots. He was the one that went to war and looked the part. He was the old soldier with the flamethrower that would set you on fire. Unfortunately, not may robots did go on fire, and it was said that the flamethrower was only ever there for show and to make the bot look more dangerous than it actually was.

Now

Sergeant Bash isn’t in the new Robot War. He’s not there. Maybe it’s because he was the old grand dad and he died. However The True Robot War Fans know that the actual reasons that Sergeant Bash isn’t in the New Robot War is because of Political Correctness Gone Mad. It is apparently politically incorrect to now have a flamethrower on a robot. Instead we’re all going to have House Robots that are all girls and none of them with flamethrowers on them. This is No Country For Old Men except with robots. No Area For Old Robots.

Sir Killalot

Before

Sir Killalot was everyone’s favourite house robot when he was introduced in series 2 of The Robot War. He had a lance and a claw that he could use to pick up robots and put them in the pit. While Shunt was the Original Daddy, Sir Killalot became The New Daddy. Sir Killalot was the biggest robot. In fact, it was the only robot that was allowed to be big. If you were bigger than Sir Killalot then you were going to be hated. No one was allowed to be bigger than Sir Killalot.

Now

Uh…. has that breastplate always been there? Did Sir Killalot grow Robot Boobs while The Robot War was gone? How do robots get boobs? I am so confused and I don’t know what to think of this. Also, if Sir Killalot is a woman now, wouldn’t that make her Lady Killalot? Or is “Sir” just a title to signify that Killalot is a knight? I have so many questions about this and I’m not getting any answers. What happened to Killalot?

Refbot

It’s not clear whether Refbot is coming back to the new series of The Robot War but I will not miss him if he’s gone. Refbot was a huge nerd who ruined robot battles with his red cards and countdowns. Some robots took effort to get their deadly weapons on them for the purposes of smashing shit up and now they’re illegal? Go away Refbot. No one likes nerds like you.

Mr Psycho and Growler

Before now, Mr Psycho was the worst House Robot. He was a Killalot ripoff that looked really menacing and shit but was a huge anticlimactic disappointment. He’s got a big hammer that he can use to smash down on robots, but the swing it did looked absolutely pathetic and didn’t do anything. It was the worst robot and I’m glad that my parents didn’t have digital television so I didn’t have to see this embarrassment in the latter series of The Robot War.

Growler however was a million times better. Growler was super fast, had crunching jaws that would smash up a robot, and sometimes had a flamethrower tail (although it got removed because it didn’t work that well). Growler was the puppy of The House Robot Crew and was clearly the best addition to The Robot War since Killalot.

Cassius Chrome

What the fuck is this bullshit? Who the fuck made this garbage? This is perhaps the worst looking house robot I’ve ever seen. Also this robot didn’t get an intro like the other house robots did. They just said “Oh, I guess there’s a new House Robot now and it looks like a fucked up fish” and stopped there. It was only around for one series. There are no toys for Cassius Chrome. Probably because it was the worst house robot of all time.