I was never raped, but when I was 11, the son of a family friend copped a feel whenever we were…
Zelda Pinwheel

My real name is not Agradine. I used a name of a character for a story I started and use as a name for myself when I don’t want to use my real one. I used it here so that those who know me won’t see my real name here and then have a way to hurt or abuse me.

I was never raped…but that doesn’t lessen what happened to me or any other person who was abused.

I was never raped…but when I was 7 or 8 my grandfather started molesting me. Or how he came into the bathroom when I was taking a bath and went to the bathroom or so he said.

I was never raped…but when I was 10 I shouted that grandpa had molested me. I heard my father talking on the phone to someone. There was some kind of meeting to talk to grandpa, but nothing happened.

I was never raped…but he took me with him to clean when I was 13. It started up again. He touched me and even French kissed me! Yuck! I wanted to throw up! I got smart and wore pants. Never happened again.

Also, when I was 13, I went to a youth conference. While there, I took my roommate about the abuse and she mentioned that I needed to talk to the youth leader. When I talked to her, it felt good to finally tell it all…I mean everything! No one else had taken the time to sit with me and ask the hard questions. I felt more like a person than ever before.

I was never raped…but when I was 15 I testified against my grandfather for what he did. I was so scared. I felt like I had split the family in two. Having to point out what he was wearing, will probably be one of the hardest if not the hardest things I’ll ever do! Let’s not forget the examination!! A…uh…female exam…and leaving there with a big yellow duck. I used to talk to it and hug it when I felt alone or scared or sad.

Grandpa told me to never tell. Ha! Never tell?!?! One of the many things that abusers try to do is control their victims! With the victim not telling, they control them! So, I took control back! I told. I told to a room full of people! Some may not have believed me, but I knew. I knew the nightmare I lived for so long!

My aunt didn’t want to talk to me…this is his daughter! I felt so small and that I had done something wrong! Of course, it HAD to be my fault somehow!!

A quietly kept secret that no one, NO ONE, wanted to talk about or talk about even now! It’s such a horrible secret! We don’t want anyone, ANYONE, to know! I wanted to yell WHAT ABOUT ME?!?! What about what he did to me?!?! Are you saying it was okay and that I should just forget about it?!?! Forget how grandpa touched me in a way no grandpa should. Or how he French kissed me?!?!?!

Shhh. Shhhhhh. No one wants to hear it! No one wants to know! No one cares enough about the little girl who cried and cried herself to sleep. No one cares how painful it was. No one cares about the nightmares you had. No one cares how vulnerable you feel every time someone looks at you.

I was never raped…but during college I would freak out if I heard leaves blowing in the wind on the sidewalk as I walked from my dorm to the chapel building.

I was never raped…but I had a relationship with a guy that was not healthy from the very beginning. He ended it because I wouldn’t go far enough with him.

I was never raped…but I met a man who could love me and help me through all of this…he became my husband.

I was never raped…but when I was in my 20’s I learned I wasn’t the only one who grandpa molested. Now I’m 35 and I will not be silent. I will not give my abuser control over me! Whenever I can and wherever I can, I speak out and speak up about what happened to me! I am strong enough! That makes me a survivor!

P.S. When I told my mom, she said “I never liked him anyways!” It is still a hush hush topic.

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