Or: Profile Of The Lemon As A Young Loser

In 1999, my brother in law sent me a copy of Quake 2.

I knew about online FPS in theory, but didn’t really have the ability to take part. I was on a 56k dialup modem and, because of my job at the time, my computer was a Mac. But Quake 2 worked on a Mac. …


Hi Wyatt Ingraham Koch. I just saw this video, and I have some questions I’d like to ask you below.

  1. So obviously your goal with this company here is to build a lifestyle brand. Do you think you’re succeeding with that? Your shirts are “for men who dream big and live bold”, and to demonstrate these core concepts, it’s mostly you driving around in a Jeep and taking different women to the same restaurant.
  2. Hey, speaking of those women, I know your goal here is to present yourself, the CEO, as a successful man of leisure. Maybe you could…


Note: For Episode 78 of I Don’t Even Own A Television, I recorded four remote segments. This is the one that was too beautiful for them to use.

Some years ago, Insane Clown Posse was performing a show in Minneapolis, in a parking lot between a biker bar and the bar that once replaced their marquee with the words “FUCK DANZIG”. Being an outdoor show, the concert area was wrapped in temporary fencing, and from East to West, there was a stage which would hold people pretending to be rappers, then an audience who was there because they were interested…


(this article originally appeared on The F Plus)

A month ago, I wrote An Adventure In Analytics, describing how user privacy and accurate reporting find themselves at odds with each other. I said that I know that I’m getting traffic that I’m not reporting, and promised that I would be running two different analytic suites (Google Analytics and Piwik) side by side on The F Plus for a month, to see how each reported data. Broadly, the thesis here is that some ad blockers interfere with Google Analytics, therefore if I use something else, the data will look a lot different.

When I started this process, I went…


(this article originally appeared on The F Plus)

It was only yesterday that I learned that I learned that The JuggaloCoin (the oft-reported juggalos-only currency developed by Papa Nutt) is no longer with us; The JuggaloCoin is not being traded publicly and perhaps even more tragically, juggalocoin.org just brings up a squatters’ page now.

This discovery led to some related discoveries, which in turn led to this page: a list of all (?) 705 publicly traded cryptocurrencies and their value in relation to the American Dollar. …


I know a lot of people out there are hurting and afraid. You’re looking for comfort, and women and minorities are hostile to white men saying “it’s going to be okay” because they feel these white men don’t know the reality of what this election means.

But I do! I may be a white man, but I am a time traveler. And I’m writing to you from the year 2020 with first hand knowledge of what will happen in the Donald Trump presidency.

To begin, I know that there’s been a lot of discussion about Trump’s interpersonal difficulties with the…


I make websites, both for a living and for fun. And when I’m making websites for other people, a lot of times the process begins by talking other people out of using WordPress. It happens a lot, and sometimes they can’t be convinced. They have a specific budget or half-cocked idea, and they want WordPress. And every time that happens, the site ends up poorly.

Before we begin here, I want to start this thing out with a disclaimer: WordPress is not, at its core, built poorly. WordPress is not necessarily unserious or a bad choice for “real developers”. WordPress…


Ad blocking software is everywhere, including the browser I’m using right now. This is for a number of valid reasons: Website ads can be invasive, ugly, slow and expensive, and can sometimes serve up malware. Because of this, there’s an upward trending line of people who are doing all their web browsing behind an ad blocker. This no doubt improves web browsing for the people using it, but also fundamentally disrupts how monetizing anything on the internet works.

I’m not going to discuss the effects of this on an ad-supported economy, because I don’t build ad supported websites and so…


The client isn’t getting as many email signups as they’d like. Can you add a popup window to the page where if you’re on the page for a couple of seconds, it’ll bring up a message and it’s like ‘Enter your email address to sign up for our newsletter’? I feel like I’ve seen that before and I think it’ll really drive conversions, so could you get this on the site?

This question (or a variation of it) comes up with some regularity, and so I’ve provided a list with helpful things you can say to encourage good decision-making and long-term success of your project.

  1. “No.”

I hope you found this helpful!

(Inspired by This Six Revisions List that should have never been published.)

Lemon

I do things to the internet. It does things to me as well. ahoylemon.xyz

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