Reflections

As I near my 3rd decade on this plane of existence, I find myself thinking a lot about what it means to have lived a fulfilled life.

Despite what most assume with regards to my disability and it being a hindrance, my life has been fulfilling beyond measure. I’ve experienced and achieved more than most will in their entire lives, and yet, I have an insatiable hunger for more.

By all accounts, I’ve achieved more than all the doctors and ‘experts’ expected of me. Hell, I’ve achieved more than most of my family expected of me. While having proven everyone wrong is a ‘hell yeah’ moment, I’ve never felt victorious. I’ve never held myself to such low standards or expectations and everything I’ve accomplished has left me thinking, “Well yeah, this was the obvious outcome.” Yeah, I’m a bit arrogant.

Ironically, the one thing I want most in life is also the one area where my inner strength and confidence falters. Although, I guess that isn’t exactly ironic and is more just human nature. I’m not sure if I’ll ever achieve the one thing I’m after, and as time goes on, I find myself questioning whether everything else is for not. Does it matter how many barriers and obstacles you’ve gotten past if you’re short of the finish line?

I’ve gotten this far by thinking of every struggle and challenge as a stepping stone towards my goal but what if I never reach it? Will I be satisfied with the journey?

I’m not sure. We’re told to live in the present so that it doesn’t pass us by, and I’ve lived my life with that in mind. I just don’t know if I’ll be satisfied having never reached my endgame.

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