5 Tips to Raise Your Self-Esteem: How to Love Yourself and Be Happy
I once heard Tony Robbins on a podcast talking about self-esteem. Like many things Tony says, it transformed my perspective on how I view myself. Robbins says:
Self-esteem doesn’t come from what people say about you. Self-esteem is earned within yourself. It’s esteem for yourself which only comes by doing things that are incredibly difficult. And then your brain goes: this is who I am.
Many of us who believe we have low self-esteem as adults have determined that we missed the self-esteem boat. We believe because we did not receive a healthy dose in our childhood from our parents that we now cannot do certain things. However, here Robbins makes a subtle yet powerful distinction: Self-esteem comes from doing the things we most fear. Or as Jordan Peterson puts it, we become an esteemable person by doing esteemable things. So fear, specifically anxiety, is normal for a person with higher levels of self-esteem? Absolutely. The difference is that this type of person has practiced doing the thing that most induces fear in them which, in turn, raises their self-esteem.
Being a person with self-esteem, doesn’t mean you aren’t afraid, it means you have gained and continue to gain significant insight about yourself through doing things that first seem hard. So yes, children who persevere with challenging tasks as children are likely to become adults with reasonable amounts of self-esteem because they were given the space to fail and make mistakes and then encouraged to get back up and try again. There was no shame in falling in the first place. So it is understandable if we have not received this type of experience as children a core belief will develop that tells us we are unworthy and generally incompetent.
The key as Robbins so succinctly puts it is to do the difficult task while feeling the anxiety and pressure anyway. This creates self-esteem in us. We do not deny that the feeling is there. We simply recognise that it is a feeling and will change. We are not the feeling.
So how can we do what scares us if we don’t feel like it? Just like recovering alcoholics have a programme, I believe we ALL need one. A routine that prepares us to act in our best interests. When we have principles to live by we are living in the integrity of who we are instead of reacting (re-acting out old patterns) and thus can be proactive in our lives. In short, we have the capacity to show up for ourselves. Here are the top five things I do/have done that have allowed me to raise my self-esteem:
- Give up alcohol. This is a simple step, not an easy one. It took me many years of trying to quit on my own. I was so desperate that I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting to see what it was like and today I am almost 13 months sober. What giving up alcohol has done for me has been revolutionary for my quality of life. I feel grateful and I now know that my life is meaningful. It was always meaningful, alcohol just clouded my ability to see it. I have something to offer others. If that doesn’t raise your self-esteem, nothing will.
- Get up early. Now that you don’t drink anymore, it is way more possible for you to get up early. Let’s face it, a late night, booze-fuelled Saturday night is not going to be the catalyst for a fresh, clear headed Sunday morning filled with gratitude. Living the former way, week after week is not esteemable. There is no judgment here, it just doesn’t contribute to good feelings. The benefits of getting up early are far reaching with the one that stands out most for me being that I feel good about myself. From this place of feeling good about me, I can be the best version of myself. It’s a domino effect that just keeps going.
- Implement a morning routine. Now that you’re up early, you have time to do the things you always wanted to do but put off. This is the act that will revolutionize your outlook on life. These quiet moments to yourself while everyone else sleeps can be some of the most beautifully cathartic moments you will ever experience. Here you can finally meditate like you always wanted or work out or start writing that book you have been thinking about. This is a magical part of the day where anything is possible. And you get to do it over and over again, one day at a time.
- Be consistent. Waking up hangover free never gets old. Being well rested and up early feels even better. Completing a morning meditation and going to the gym all by 8am will feel like you can fly. It’s part of the dopamine hit that comes from the novelty of doing esteemable things. Just try to do it again tomorrow and the day after that. You will find that the dopamine high is no longer there and you may be reluctant to get up because it’s now become boring. Don’t do it for the temporary high. Set your intention for why you do these things. Perspective changes everything.
- Have a gratitude list. Being grateful for what we already have raises the frequency of our vibration. Positive things happen more frequently when we value what is already good about the present moment. In truth, that is all we have.
