Woman accuses best friend of stealing husband’s penis
A woman in Lagos, Nigeria has accused her best friend of stealing her husband’s penis and using same to pleasure herself repeatedly.
Rosemary Ejemba filed a complaint with the newly-created penile division of the country’s police force, stating that her friend, Juliet Briggs stole the penis when she visited to complain of her man’s lack of adequacy in intimate affairs.
Rosemary also went on Twitter to call out her friend in a series of tweets laden with many allegations, including that she’s always passed compliments, which she now sees as always being in envious tone, on her husband.
Superintendent of Police Muyiwa Ajao sighed many times while reading a public statement over the matter that has trended for hours on social media, pausing once in a while to examine the next sentence with a mild grimace.
‘This case is the first of its kind and we will treat it with seriousness and the diplomacy it deserves’, he said.
‘We are aware of the further allegations against the accused using said organ over the weekend to pleasure herself without regards to the consequences for the man involved, thus leading to embarrassing situations for the man who is currently on a business trip to the United States’.
SUPOL Muyiwa’s discomfiture is not uncommon from policemen who have had to deal with the astonishing changes that have been wrought on the world since the instantaneous sexual transformation of February 15th.
The world was jolted as the clocks on the International Date Line (west) struck 12 midnight on Valentine’s day to find the separation of men’s urinal and sexual organs, with the latter becoming detachable without any physical danger to the man and transmission of sexual feelings to a man whose sexual organ is being used for intimacy purposes no matter where he is.
Police force across the world has to deal with upheavals of political, economic and social nature (most notably in the Arabian Peninsula where it has led to a change in rulership in Iran and Saudi Arabia) while also contending with the change in their personal lives.
According to data from GAGUP, complaints stemming from what is being termed as ‘#Switch’ to forces across the world has reached the 10 million mark and promises to continue rising with a steep growth curve.
A source with Interpol said, ‘We are seeing a dire gap in reality and legislation across the world. We need new laws and enforcement units’.
Pressed for examples, she said, ‘A man was rescued from a mob in Northern Nigeria who wanted to lynch him for detaching his penis and giving himself a blowjob.
‘We’ve also seen cases from around the world where a man is beaten up and his penis stolen but that has tapered out since it was discovered that pleasure from it will always go to the owner, thus there’s a rise in abandoned penis cases.
‘Many countries have also introduced so-called spousal laws which grants ownership right of the detachable penis to the wife or girlfriend, with many men having to be forced to hand it over. Of course many of such men are policemen themselves.
‘There was even a violent fight amongst professors at Stanford over the name to call the extra flesh that suddenly appeared just above the penis for urinating purposes. The minority who wanted to call it the penis and give the sexual organ a new name grew violent when they were called dicks. They are still arguing’, she finished with a perceptible glint in her eyes.
The curious development has yet to be explained by scientists who have remained puzzled and continue to study the phenomenon.
‘We can’t even use the astronauts in space as control as they were also affected’, a visibly-exasperated Giorgio Seinfield, head of adhoc United Nations team spearheading the investigations said to the body on Monday.
That is however not the concern of the vexed Rosemary, who insists that her friend be charged to court and jailed for stealing and misusing her property.
‘My husband was embarrassed while having a business meeting in America because my friend was using his thing all night. She was just using him anyhow she liked.
‘He was having orgasm while discussing business! Thunder must fire that woman who wants to break my home. My husband is threatening to divorce me now’, she tweeted on Tuesday.
SUPOL Muyiwa, in an answer to a question from a journalist at the press briefing, said that this may be difficult to get to a judge since there is no law to back such claim to penile property by a woman as the Spousal Act bill has been repeatedly shut down at the Nigerian national assembly.
‘How do you want women to own me? How? I have four wives, which would I give my thing to? You want civil war in our houses? This bill will never pass in Nigeria’, a popular allegedly-paedophilic senator who’s an ex-governor was quoted as saying in the closed session to discuss the bill’s latest amendment.
Note: This story is pure fiction stemming from a conversation with my cousin, Bolu who came up with the initial premise. Any resemblance to anyone or event(s) is purely coincidental.