How to Give Feedback Without Hurting Feelings: The Mirror Holding Method
We all know the struggle of giving feedback, it’s like trying to tell your soulmate they need to lose weight without hurting their feelings.
Many people worry that their feedback may hurt their employees’ feelings or negatively impact their productivity, leading them to resort to face-saving techniques like the “praise sandwich” that end up doing more harm than good.
Similarly, it’s difficult to collect genuine feedback from the team, since teammates find it uncomfortable to give feedback to someone who has a say in their career advancement.
Most employees feel like walking on thin ice when it comes to giving feedback to their boss :-)
This article provides a better approach to feedback conversations that focuses on partnership and asking questions rather than giving orders.
Setting Expectations: The Importance of Clear Vision and Goals
Setting expectations is like going on a first date — you want to make sure you’re both on the same page before diving in.
Before delving into feedback conversations, it is essential to ensure that your team is operating from the same mindset and is clear about your vision and goals.
This requires setting clear expectations and making sure that all team members are aware of your vision and are motivated to work with you.
During the hiring process, it is essential to ask questions like “Did I set the expectations clearly?” and “Does our vision excite them to work with us?” This approach helps us set up a foundation for a feedback culture that is built on trust, partnership, and mutual respect.
How to Give Feedback: Shifting from “Window Holding” to “Mirror Holding”
Long time back, I wrote about two types of managers: Hands-on managers and Eyes-on managers, based on their working methodologies.
In simple words,
Hands-on: They can criticize, control, threaten, and judge their people. They try to interfere in every project and will try to fix things in their own style.📌
Eyes-on: They can mentor, encourage, coach, and genuinely care about their people. They just show the problem, they won’t fix it.📌
This time, here as well, I am going to classify managers into two:
Window Holders & Mirror Holders
When giving feedback, it is crucial to adopt a humbler approach that focuses on asking questions rather than telling employees what to do. This approach involves shifting from “window holding” to “mirror holding.”
Window holding refers to telling employees what to see, while mirror holding involves asking probing questions that guide them to reflect on their work and shape the way forward.📌
The difference between a window holder and a mirror holder? One lets in light, the other reflects it. Read this twice ;-)
📢There are three stages in the execution of Mirror Holding.
1️⃣Shifting from a “Window Holder” to “Mirror Holder”: The Power of Starry Questions
Asking ‘Starry’ Questions. I call it starry questions because it focus on one’s achievements and strengths.
Examples of “starry questions” that focus on strengths and achievements include:
Could you share an experience from the past month where you felt so excited?
What have been some of your most successful strategies for achieving your goals in the past?
What was the outcome of your try?
What feedback have you received that made you feel more confident last time?
Which of your strengths has been utilised / invested well in this project?
Can you describe a recent instance where you provided assistance to someone and the impact it had on both their work and yours?
The next step is to uncover the employee’s perception of the challenge and how to address it by asking questions.
2️⃣Diagnosing the Issue: The Power of Open Communication
Before proceeding with the diagnosis, managers should ask themselves whether the employee is holding back and what their body language and tone of voice convey.
If you get some positive answers, we should move on.
If it’s negative, let’s continue a casual chat and try the following, maybe after a day.
Examples of questions that can be asked at this stage are:
What are your priorities this month?
Are you facing any blockers where you feel we can help?
What is occurring, and what is your reasoning behind it?
What insights have you gained about yourself while working on this project / these days ?
What approaches are you trying now, (give them some confidence by connecting it with some past experience) I am asking this because I know that you addressed comparable blockers in the past and handled it well.
Open communication is essential when it comes to addressing issues, and both sides must gain clarity and work towards a shared solution.
By asking the right questions, you can turn a blocker into a breakthrough.
3️⃣Taking Action: Guiding Your Employees’ Next Steps
Once employees suggest a way forward, managers should guide their next steps by asking questions like:
In what ways do you plan to put this into action?
What do you anticipate occurring if you attempt this?
How do you see your strengths and skills contributing to the success of future projects?
What new challenges or projects would you like to take on?
Asking “And is there anything else I could be working to improve right now that would make your work easier?” as a manager or saying “I appreciate you telling me this. This is very helpful, and I am going to take action to fix this. Here’s my plan…” helps to actively, openly, and politely close the loop.
If you observe these three steps, you can see that in the first step, we are building confidence by looking into the past; then, we are making them self-aware by talking about the present; and finally, we are building motivation by talking about the future.
This approach is also a solution for those who deal with a defensive or resistant employee. 📌
During my Thailand trip, I noticed that in almost all the bars, you can see that there is a mirror behind the bartender. There are a few reasons why they have that interior, but one strikes me most: when you have to deal with an unhappy or frustrated customer, it’s good to keep a mirror facing them.
No one wants to see themselves act like a jerk. This same idea is what we are incorporating by being a mirror holder in feedback sessions.
Remember, a mirror can be your best friend or your worst enemy — but in feedback sessions, it’s always your ally! So hold a mirror.
Soliciting Feedback: Demonstrating Empathy and Humility
Feedback is a two-way street — you give it, you get it. Just like karma, except hopefully with less reincarnation ;-)
As a manager, it’s not just important to give feedback but also to ask for feedback from your team. It’s understandable that it might be tough for them to give feedback to someone who has an impact on their career growth. That’s why it’s crucial to show empathy and humility and approach feedback as a two-way conversation.
We all want to learn and improve continuously, and that’s why it’s essential to create an environment of growth and development. One way to do this is by asking open-ended questions that allow your team to share their experiences and insights without feeling judged. This builds a feedback culture based on trust, honesty, and mutual respect.
📌In conclusion, giving feedback is an essential aspect of any team’s success. However, it’s crucial to approach feedback conversations with care, trust, partnership, and mutual respect. It’s time to shift from the “window-holding” approach to the “mirror-holding” approach that focuses on asking questions rather than telling employees what to do.
By asking the right questions and guiding your employees’ next steps, you can empower them and set them up for success.
“Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.” — Anne Morrow Lindbergh
