I Finished Writing My Book In March. This Week, I Finally Read It.

When I finished the first draft of my book, I was told by many, “The hard part is over!” I believed this because writing the book was rather hard indeed! Devious jackals, all of them! The hardest part of writing a book is reading the book afterwards. When I received the first proof pages in the mail in July, I was too scared to look at them myself and entrusted several confidantes to look it over while I jumped around the PDF document, never fully accepting that it was a proper book. When I received my galley copies in the mail, I felt like i was being invited to a surprise party for myself but that I was expected to host. (Don’t read into that metaphor, it is trash). I am not some kind of ingrate so I took a photo of one to celebrate and put on the internet:

Now just because I photographed it in my hands did not mean I read the thing. I left the book in the guest room, scared of it like it was a horcrux or a pregnancy test result that I wasn’t ready to face yet. Until a few days ago.

At the bidding of a friend who said it felt really nice in her hands, I ventured to touch the book. Then I sat down and flipped it open to a random page. It was either an especially good page or I was expecting something far worse but, lo and behold, I declared, “Well, it seems we have ourselves a fuckin’ party!” Sure, there are places I cringed and made a note for my copyeditors (copy editors?they alone know) and some where I was like, “Who does this bitch think she is?” But mostly I was relieved and happy, way less concerned that I would disappoint my friends, lovers, and fans and stoked that my growing stable of worthy nemeses will be irate!

Below, like the fabled drug dealer from D.A.R.E. who gives you your first hit for free (spoiler alert: drug dealers don’t do that!), I’ve included a few passages below that show some of what it’s like inside the book. It’s got everything!

Atmospheric descriptions of California as rendered by Joan Didion!

From “Emparadised: On Joan Didion and Personal Mythology As Survival”

Semi-conspiratorial claims that Courtney Love is an actual witch!

From “The Queen of Hearts: An Alternative Account of the Life and Crimes of Courtney Love”

Callin out fictional boys and their presumptuous boners for not really caring about the interior lives of girls and women!

From “Our Sisters Shall Inherit The Sky: On the Lisbon Sisters and the Misnomer of The Virgin Suicides

Admiration for the range of ways that a diverse range of women can get the last word in toxic relationships!

From “Long-Game Bitches: On Princess Di, Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopes, and the Fine Art of Crazy Exing”

Putting my Divinity School degree to work on Lana Del Rey and Fiona Apple!

From: “Heavenly Creatures: The Gospels According to Lana, Fiona, and Dolly”

Those are samples from five of the fifteen essays in there. I didn’t include my favorite favorites because I think they belong too much to the broader essays in which they are contained and because (HERE IT COMES) I want people to buy the book and read it for themselves. If you’d like to do that, do visit any of these lovely websites to pre-order a copy so I can put my cat through finishing school:

Amazon (hardcover)

Amazon (Kindle)

Barnes & Noble (hardcover)

Barnes & Noble (Nook)



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