I Cannot Stop Owning The Devil
You must be wondering about my abrupt change of circumstances. Where did all these riches come from? These lavish lodgings? This perfectly sculpted body?
Friends I’m happy to announce I’ve made a series of lucrative wagers with the Devil, who the more I interact with turns out to be extremely competitive and have no understanding of his own limits. If it were anyone but the Devil I would actually feel bad about making these bets. I’m starting to wonder if the Devil might have a gambling problem. Talk about Irony!
We all know tales of hapless fools selling their souls to the Devil in exchange for coveted objects, careers, and personal qualities, usually to their eventual dismay. Tragic. Cautionary. And not at all slick.
The trick is to make a WAGER with the Devil, because (and again if he weren’t the Devil I’d feel I was taking advantage) he’s basically incapable of not accepting a bet and he’s *ahem* not automatically good at everything just because he’s the Devil. Yes, I know it’s a little heavy betting your eternal soul but if you pick your battles right you never lose. I’ll tell you one thing the Devil isn’t too great with: State Capitals. That’s how I got these sweet pecs.
So the Devil is physically strong and very manipulative and he’s really into the Fiddle for some reason. He is not as good at memorizing lists or situations with which he isn’t intuitively familiar. The following is an incomplete list of instances in which I have bested the Devil.
I bet the Devil I could name more species of fish than he could. Growing up I had a set of playing cards with a different fish on each card, and I can pretty much reel off fish names indefinitely. The Devil knew a surprisingly small variety of fish, mostly the ones you eat. This wager yielded my new face. I’ll tell you a secret: It’s actually Jerry O’Connell’s face but with a cool scar through one eye.
The Devil and I played a game of flip cup and the Devil ended up puking foam on the second to last cup. Immortal demon though he may be, turns out he doesn’t have the stomach for Natty Ice. As the winner of the competition I received my Mansion Estate known as Kolleeny Gardens. Formerly The State Of Maryland.
The Devil thinks he’s great at those things called “Devil Sticks.” Do you know what I’m talking about? Basically you have two thinner sticks and one slightly thicker, decorated stick and you use the two thinner sticks to manipulate, spin, and throw the main stick into the air. The Devil is not great at Devil Sticks.
I bested the Devil in a standup competition because The Devil is one of those people who thinks because he’s funny in person that he can get up onstage with no prepared material and somehow riff his way to a killer set. I warned him before he went up but big surprise — the Devil is super arrogant! I will say there’s nothing like watching the embodiment of all evil and corruption in the world bombing with tinder jokes.
I once beat the Devil in a game of Badminton, which I barely play. I took a class in college as my Sports Credit. The Devil, however, didn’t even know what Badminton was. I had to explain the rules beforehand. I bet a waterpark against my own soul and I am now the proud owner of a waterpark AND my soul. The final score was 13/3. I felt so bad during this game, at one point the Devil hit a shot that landed right on one of the out of bounds lines and I let him call it “In.” In a contest for my soul! See it’s weird people are so afraid of this dude.
At one point after double faulting I could hear him under his breath going, “WHY does this keep happening?!”
Gambling addiction is serious, and if you or someone you know is afflicted with it there are a variety of resources available online.
Unless the person you know is the Devil in which case please let me keep grifting him.
